Poison and Wine
by Nerwen Aldarion
Summary: Post Red John: Volker is released from prison pending a new trial and is targeting Lisbon. Cho seeks Jane out to get his help in putting Volker away, he returns to Sacramento to face his sins and the life he threw away. He has to decide if what he once said wasn't enough to save him...maybe actually is. Jisbon
1. Wake Up Lonely With You By My Side

Disclaimer: I own nothing

A/N: Call this a way to fill the void now that Lavinia is finished. Or maybe this is me missing Jackass Jane from TBM? LOL This little fic is dedicated to my good friend Eva who asked me to write a fic like this and I wasn't sure, then one day while driving from the grocery store out of nowhere this idea popped into my head I was sunk. It's an interesting idea that I hope you guys stick around for.

Note: Yes each chapter will have a different song. The title of the fic comes from the song "Poison and Wine" by The Civil Wars which fits this whole fic of both Jane and Lisbon trying to deny the love and anger they feel for the other. But this chapter is from the song "Belong" By Cary Brothers, read the lyrics and you'll see how it fits in.

Note 2: Yes I will update TBM soon, but I needed fill the void in my heart that Lavinia left me with

* * *

Poison and Wine

Chapter 1: Wake Up Lonely With You By My Side

_Wake up lonely with you by my side_

_One more night it doesn't feel_

_There are movies playing in your eyes_

_You dream of our fortunes_

_But you're wrong_

_I don't belong to you_

_The moon is the only friend I have outside_

_One more drink and I'll be healed_

_I told you the words and then knew it was a lie_

_I wish I could offer an appeal_

_You're wrong _

_I don't belong_

_You're wrong _

_I don't belong to you_

_What I'd give for that first night when you were mine_

_Tried with all that I have to keep you alive_

_I wasn't taught this way_

_With a thousand things to say_

_I was born with a broken heart_

_What I'd give for that first night when you were mine_

_Thought you were mine_

_So I'll put this cigarette to bed_

_Pull some sheets from off your side_

_I put my arm around you safe in the night_

_Still dreaming of fortune_

_But you're wrong_

_I don't belong_

_You're wrong_

_I don't belong_

_I don't belong_

_Belong~ Cary Brothers_

* * *

_Jane spent thirty seconds trying to recall exactly how he got to this situation but it was all hazy surreal blur. He could go back to the past few day or even reach back the last decade of plans, failed attempts, lists and traps. Really everything led to this moment where he was where he wanted to be and nowhere near what he wanted to happen._

_ He was staring face to face with Red John._

_ But Red John was holding on to Lisbon, the knife in his hand a mere millimeter from her throat._

_ "You see, Patrick? There was never a way for you to win, not really." He laughed at him, "What will you have when this is all over? Not her…not anyone. I'm the only person you've truly had for ten years, you can't let that go."_

_ Jane knew that wasn't true. There was only one person that Jane truly couldn't live without and it wasn't Red John._

_ But he did have a knife at her throat._

_ Lisbon was staring at him, not looking so much afraid as resigned. Her eyes never left his, she didn't move, hardly breathed but she kept looking at him with…hope. He wanted to find a way to do this, to do what he wanted._

_ But he couldn't look away._

_ Then the gunshots sounded and Red John fell. But all Jane could stare at was the knife as it cut into her throat…_

Jane woke up with a jolt but felt immediate relief at the reminder that this was a dream. Well a dream of a memory but that memory was long gone, five years ago and he already knew how that ended.

"Still chasing him in your nightmares I see."

He rolled over to see Lisbon lying beside him, her green eyes sparkling with amusement and her alabaster skin fresh from the morning sun. The only flaw now was the small white scar on her throat, right by her pulse. Too close for comfort but not close enough to destroy him.

But he didn't smile at her. "He was right about one thing, I'll never be free of him."

"Because you've let him keep you captive."

He nodded to his heads to his hands and feet. "I don't see any chains."

She smiled and shook his head. "Those chains are up here," she tapped the side of his head for emphasis.

Jane sighed heavily; he knew that she was right. He'd known it for a very long time, even before Red John's death. He'd known that he'd gone too deep, done too much, had never considered what to do with his life when that was over. He'd known and done it anyways…and resigned himself to this fate.

"The stupidest thing I ever did was go on," Jane told her.

Lisbon's grin fell but no there was a sad smile on her face. "That's not the stupidest thing you ever did. Do you know what it is?"

Jane rolled onto his back and stared up at the ceiling. "Mouthing off on TV to get my family killed."

"No, that was the worst thing that happened to you, but it was from arrogance, not stupidity. Guess again."

Jane grinned, deciding to have a little fun. "Thinking that it wouldn't be a big deal if I didn't shut the elephant pen tightly when I was fifteen."

"No, but you'll have to tell me that story later."

Lisbon leaned up closer so she was right up against him, but Jane still couldn't see her, his eyes were focused on the ceiling. "Do you really want to know?"

"Yes."

She smiled again, that same sad smile. "The stupidest thing you've ever done," She leaned in to whisper it in his ear. "Was leaving me."

Jane closed his eyes at the pain her words conjured up and then rolled over again to look at her side of the bed.

It was empty.

It always had been.

Lisbon wasn't here; she was thousands of miles away in Sacramento where he'd left her five years before. This Lisbon was the one he imagined but she wasn't real. He could imagine her voice, her touch, even her kiss but all of it was fake, built from memories he'd turned his back on.

Jane heaved a sigh and rolled off of the bed, his bare feet hitting the course wood of the floor. It was a dreary morning in Camden, Maine. It almost always was.

When he was dressing in the bathroom she came to him again.

"You know, it's a shame that I'm not real. The real me would love to see you in jeans and flannel," she told him with a quirk of her eyebrows, "But she'd be making Brawny Man jokes."

"Then I suppose it's good you aren't here."

"It's never good that I'm not here. It's really bad because you are talking to yourself, you do remember the definition of 'crazy' right?"

Jane rolled his eyes. "I do believe they went over that definition when I was at the mental hospital."

"Maybe it's time for a reunion."

He put the toothbrush down. "With who? You?"

She shrugged. "I was actually referring to the hospital but yeah, having a reunion with me wouldn't be a bad idea either."

Jane turned back to the sink, cleaning the remains of the toothpaste with a damp rag. "I left for a reason."

"Yes you did…what was it again? It's getting so hard to recall it."

He threw the rag into the hamper. "If you don't remember it's not my problem."

"Actually it is, since I'm your subconscious that means _you_ can't remember it," she told him with a gamine grin, "so what is it, Jane?"

He didn't reply, just threw open the bathroom door and left that ghost behind him.

Breakfast consisted of scrambled eggs and bacon, nothing unusual there. He watched the waves lapping up on the rather rocky beach, eyes following the seagulls as they dove for food whether it was shellfish or garbage. It was the peaceful quiet morning he was used to, the same one he'd had for the past year since he'd purchased this piece of beach.

Jane thought about staying around and walking along the beach or just reading or finding something else to pass his time. But he felt the urge to see some people. Perhaps it was just that kind of morning or maybe it was the lengthy conversation with the fake Lisbon in his head.

The town of Camden was a small rustic salt of the earth seaside town. The kind of place where a lot of ships came in, crabbing and lobster mostly. They'd accepted him as they would any outsider, perhaps less so because he'd never tried to fit in…then again he hadn't disrupted anything either.

The convenience store doubled as a small sandwich shop if you desperately wanted a bad tuna salad sandwich but the glass-bottled cokes were worth the price. There were always at least two old fishermen sitting up in the stools, never ordering but always eager to debate whatever the argument of the day was. The small TV was always on but never more than glanced at by the teenager behind the counter. Said teenager gave Jane a nod as he walked in but turned back to his video game magazine.

Jane barely noticed. He decided now was a good time to stock up on some necessities like bread, floss and a six-pack of beer for when he felt nostalgic like today. He moved down the aisle and caught the tail end of the debate between the two old men.

"Now you see, I was in the northeastern up near Nova Scotia in '76 and I'll swear on my life that I saw that ship."

"Your life isn't worth an empty crab pot, Gus."

That made Jane smile a little. He finished grabbing a few more things before before bringing his purchases up to the front. The teenager put down his magazine long enough to glance at the items. "Is that all?"

"Yes," Jane told him, pulling out some cash. He was thumbing through his wallet when he caught sight of the television. It was on CNN and the slightly overweight reporter was talking straight into the camera. The volume was on low but the old timers stopped their conversation just long enough for Jane to hear.

"Thomas Volker was released yesterday, pending his new trial."

He stopped and gaped at the screen, straining to hear over the old men's argument. "Turn it up," Jane told the teenager.

"What?"

"The television," Jane said sharply, "Turn it up now."

The teenager gave him a weird look but dutifully grabbed the little remote and turned the volume up so Jane could hear.

"…Judge Marcowitz ruled that extenuating factors involving the initial investigation in Volker's first trial tainted the evidence. He has ordered a new trial to take place and Volker was released on a $500,000 bail. The original investigation was conducted by Agent Teresa Lisbon of the CBI who was interviewed outside of the courthouse just after the judge's decision."

And then there she was, lighting up the tiny, dusty and poorly wired television set of a nondescript New England town.

She looked beautiful, exactly as she did before, perhaps with a few more wrinkles near her eyes and slightly tired eyes. For a moment he wished he'd been there to see what caused those wrinkles…wondering if he might have helped smooth them away…or cause a few more.

"The evidence in the case is still solid," Lisbon declared, "I am confident that in a new trial, Thomas Volker will be convicted once more."

"What about the allegations that you have a personal vendetta?" One shrill reporter asked.

She looked flustered for a bit but recovered admirably. "I am an officer of the law, I do not let my personal life interfere with a case. Excuse me." She said now pushing through the reporters and refusing to take any more questions.

Then she was gone and Jane was back to staring at he overweight reporter again. "Agent Lisbon and her team are well known for taking down the notorious serial killer, Red John. They were also responsible for the original investigation into Thomas Volker and we're told, are continuing the investigation to this day. Coming up! Congressional vote on the new Think Green Amendment, find out what it holds in store for you next."

The newsreel faded to a diaper commercial and Jane felt that loss. He stared at the television for a minute longer than necessary before looking back at the teenager. "You all right, sir?" the kid asked, staring at him as if he wasn't quite right in the head.

Jane nodded his head and lied through his teeth. "Fine," he threw down some cash and gathered his lone plastic bag before hurrying out to diner down the street. Mindy owned the place and she had a phone she'd let him use if he charmed her enough. For a second he actually thought he would do it. Call the airport, arrange a flight and go back to Sacramento.

But he'd left, he'd severed his ties and that included her.

Jane stopped in his tracks and stared at the building that could hold the key to him facing his demons once more.

Then he turned around.

"What are you doing?" Lisbon asked him, trotting up beside him.

"Going home."

"Home is 3,000 miles from here.

"No," Jane corrected her; "Home is half a mile that way where I don't have to think about Volker or the CBI or you."

"Except all you do is think about me…and the CBI…and even Volker once in a while."

"Will you stop?" Jane asked, stopping on the dirt path leading to the beach. "I don't want to talk to you or think about you or anything. I left you. I _left_ you."

The specter stood there, so crystal clear her hair blew in the salty sea wind. "Yes you did," she told him softly, "you left and you've hated yourself every day since. I was right wasn't I, there was a reason for you to stay."

Jane stared at her for a long moment before turning away again. "It wasn't enough."

He walked away from her again.

* * *

_ Even Jane's infamous mind failed him in the two days following Red John's death. He barely remembered anything about those days; vague flashes of pain came and went but nothing concrete. He just knew it didn't feel like he thought. There wasn't any peace, no feeling of accomplishment, it anything he felt unfinished. For the first time in his life he honestly had no idea what to do._

_ He just knew he couldn't stay._

_ But ten minutes after he returned to his hotel room there was a knock. He checked through the peephole and saw Lisbon standing there. Either she had impeccable timing or she'd been waiting for him. No doubt it was the latter._

_ Jane took a moment to think, to breathe…before finally opening the door._

_ She didn't smile when she saw him but gave him a tentative. "Hey."_

_ He just nodded, reaching up to feel the bandage at her throat. "Is it sore?"_

_ Lisbon nodded back. "A little, but it's far better than the alternative." She looked over his shoulder and gave him a soft look. "Can I come in?"_

_ He stepped aside and she walked into the room. She noticed the suitcase and was quick to figure out what it meant. "You're leaving?"_

_ "Yes," Jane stated._

_ "Why?"_

_ "Why not?"_

_ Now she was looking very upset. "Jane…no, you can't just leave!"_

_ He sighed, shaking his head a little. "It's over, Lisbon, there's nothing else for me to do here."_

_ "So that's it?" Lisbon asked, "You didn't get to kill him so you're going to runaway and pout?"_

_ "This isn't about that," Jane replied, "He's dead, it doesn't really matter who did it anymore. That's over, no amount of regret will change it."_

_ "Then what is it?"_

_ "I don't have any reason to stay," Jane told her. "There is nothing keeping me here. I worked with you to find Red John, that's over now. What else is there?"_

_ She stared at him for a minute, gaping at him really. "A lot of stuff, Jane!" But he waved that statement off dismissively. She folded her arms over her chest. "So you must have a plan then."_

_ He shrugged. "No."_

_ "No?"_

_ "I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing, I just can't stay."_

_ "This doesn't make sense, Jane!"_

_ "I don't know what to tell you," Jane replied, moving around her to stand by the small breakfast area. "I don't know what I'm living for…why I'm even still here?"_

_ "There are a lot of things," she told him, her eyes sparkling with unshed tears. "What about our job? What about the team? What about…me?"_

_ He stared at her for a long while and then slowly shook his head. "I don't know how to live for you." Then he looked away._

_ But Lisbon remained rooted to her spot, her eyes fixed on him with a look of determination. Then she stepped forward, putting a hand on his shoulder. He turned around to look at her, wondering what she was doing. Then she framed his face with her hands, her fingertips wrapping around the nape of his neck. For a second all they did was look at each other, then she pulled him down and pressed her lips to his._

_ The first brush of her lips was gentle and seeking. He just stood there, letting her pure clean taste wash over him. It was something he'd imagined for years…but never allowed himself to have. And here she was, freely offering what he'd secretly wanted._

_ He should push her away, should stop all of this now. He should leave like he planned and let Lisbon move on with her life._

_ But this felt too good. It was the first true feeling of pleasure he'd had in over a decade._

_ He leaned in to deepen the kiss, his hands finding her shoulders than moving around her back to press her closer. She smiled against his mouth, encouraging him to taste the warm smooth skin of her throat. "You have me," she whispered._

_ Jane didn't reply but did push her over to the bed. She pulled him down on top of her, wrapping her legs around his waist. Her nimble fingers undoing the buttons on his shirt._

_ "You have me," she repeated before pulling him down closer to kiss him again._

_0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0_

_ Lisbon found him in her office the next morning. She'd left before the sun had risen in order to change her clothes but now here he was in the place she desperately wanted him to be. She smiled as soon as she saw him. "You're still here."_

_ Jane still didn't know why. Yes the previous night had been amazing, the closest he'd ever come to happiness in years._

_ "I'm still going to leave."_

_ She gave him a smirk. "You haven't yet."_

_ "But I will."_

_ "But you haven't," she repeated, sashaying over to her desk with an enticing bounce._

_ "I will."_

_ "We'll see about that."_

* * *

Jane leaned against one of the jousts on the small dock, one sad little dingy was tied to the end and a couple of old crab lures dangled from the sides. He just stared at the rolling sea but wasn't seeing it; his mind was trapped in five years ago when he'd had a taste of paradise before walking away from it.

He'd set the chess piece on the top of the salt-weathered joist, the pad of his thumb running over the edges of the crown. This little piece had traveled with him across the world, resting in his pocket in London, clutched in his hands when he was in Monte Carlo. He'd told himself countless times to get rid of it, to throw it in the ocean, just toss it away.

He never had.

"I don't think I'll ever understand how you could walk away from that."

Now she was leaning but against the joust next to him, her arms crossed and her eyes sparkling with mischief. Jane just shrugged. "I just did."

She gave him a very unladylike snort. "As if it was just that simple. You had me, I was in love with you and offering everything you could possibly want…and you still left."

"It was the best thing for you."

"No it wasn't, quit lying to yourself, it's pathetic."

He glared at her. "You deserved a lot more than a broken man."

"Maybe if you'd stayed you would have picked up the pieces."

"Or I could have broken you too."

Now she gave him a serious look. "And you think leaving stopped that? You're even more idiotic then I thought if you believe that I didn't fall completely apart. Remember when you disappeared for six months? Grace told you that I completely withdrew from everyone, that she saw me crying in the stairwell. And you think that a permanent separation would be better?"

He was looking at her; no he was staring at the chess piece. The one he'd filched from her office weeks before he left after that final surprising match between them. He knew that the imaginary Lisbon was right; undoubtedly she'd been completely devastated after walking away. He could still remember the tears in her eyes as he'd turned to leave her forever.

"It's been five years," Jane reminded her, "You're a strong woman. By now you've undoubtedly picked up the pieces. You don't need me anymore."

"I'll always need you."

Jane snatched up the chess piece and turned away from her now. He didn't want to hear about this. Not now, not when he was still trying to cling to this peaceful bit of nothing of a life he had. The house was up above the dunes and Jane walked up past the rocky section to finally reach the steps. He'd opened the back screen door that led from his little wooden porch, bleached by the salt and sun. It was quiet inside, like it always was. He made his way past the small living room and into the tiny kitchen; linoleum and slightly outdated appliances but he hadn't wanted much. Sometimes he dreamed about warmer sunshine and a different life, a different home. He hadn't had many of those thoughts over the past five years but this past year they were getting far more frequent and now tinged with regret.

Not enough to make him change his mind…not yet at least.

But why not? Why was he sticking around in a place he didn't want to be, all alone when he craved the company of a lovely brunette woman with soft yielding green eyes?

He'd left though. He'd left her with tears in her eyes and a breaking heart, turning his back on everything she freely offered. He'd turned it down once…why did think that he might want it now?

The thoughts were troubling but he was interrupted by a slight creak from the front. It was an old house, there were creaks but Jane knew the difference between a settling home and someone lightly treading on the old wooden floor. He turned around in time to see his intruder, but it took a moment for his heart to leap back into his chest.

"Cho…what the hell are you doing here?"

The CBI agent just gave him a blank stare and walked further into the kitchen. "I came to see you."

Jane let out a sigh of relief and turned off the stove. "I'm honestly impressed, I don't know how you found me."

"I've been following you."

"Of course you have," Jane stated, "You wanted to keep an eye on me."

Cho gave a small tilt of his head to acknowledge it. "It's been easy this past year."

"I suppose it would be." He leaned back against the counter and crossed his arm. "What brought you to fly all the way to Maine to talk to me after five years."

His eyes narrowed. "You need to come back."

"And why is that?"

"It's serious, Jane. I wouldn't be coming here if it wasn't."

"I know that," Jane replied, "But that still doesn't answer my question."

Cho gave him a hard look. "Volker was released from prison."

Jane just nodded his head. "I know."

"You do?"

"I saw a news report," Jane replied.

"He got a judge to grant him a new trial, he was released until the new trial starts…which won't be for at least a year."

Jane frowned, standing up straight as he recognized how serious this really was. "I don't have to ask how Lisbon took it."

"That's why I'm here," Cho replied. "Volker is going after her."

"He would be risking his freedom," Jane pointed out, "he should have just headed for the border."

"Doesn't matter. He wants revenge."

"Of course he does, he wouldn't let this go," he agreed, "I'm just saying that he isn't thinking this through."

"And that matters?"

"Of course, it makes him more dangerous."

Cho nodded his head. "Now you see why you need to come back."

"Actually I don't," Jane said calmly, "This doesn't really concern me."

"You are the one who caught Volker before."

"Lisbon had a hand in it."

"Lisbon was in over her head then and she's in over her head now."

Jane shook his head. "She's more aware of Volker, and his anger with her is public knowledge. He can't try anything without people immediately suspecting him."

"That won't stop him."

He thought about it for a moment before nodding. "You're right, he's too blinded by pride and revenge."

"You have to put him away again."

Jane scoffed. "You say that like it is so simple."

"She has to be protected."

"I won't be of much use there."

"No, but you can get this bastard back behind bars. You're the only one who knows how he really thinks." He must not have looked sure because Cho took a step closer to him. "And you know that she's not the only one in danger."

Jane looked up at him, his mouth slightly open as a rush of guilt flooded him. Yes he knew what Cho was talking about; it was something he'd found impossible to forget over the years though he'd certainly tried. Now he'd been reminded of it with what felt akin to a slap in the face. It hurt, it hurt because he knew he was to blame.

But it worked too. He knew he really did have an obligation to go back, if only to do this one thing for them.

Jane drew in a ragged breath and met Cho's eyes again. "Does Lisbon know about this?"

"If she did then you know I wouldn't have made it here alive."

That was the truth and Jane knew it.

He couldn't help but smile a little, he knew this was going to be a quite a show when Lisbon saw him again. It would be difficult to get out of it without being maimed. For a second he felt a familiar thrill, the rush of amusement that he hadn't felt in years.

Perhaps there was some hope for him after all.

"What time is our flight?"

* * *

_ Jane didn't know how he got there but somehow he found himself knocking on the door to Lisbon's apartment. She took a minute to answer, wearing sweatpants and a simple t-shirt. She gave him a very soft look. "What are you doing here, Jane?"_

_ How could he explain it? He knows he shouldn't be there, should leave, he should turn around walk away and never see her again._

_ But he wants that warmth she granted him like a craving; a hunger that he wasn't sure could be satisfied._

_ Jane didn't say anything just walks inside and pushed her against the wall. She gasped just before his lips find hers but she kissed him back immediately. She didn't ask any questions, didn't ponder why he is here and didn't push him away. Lisbon was giving as good as she got, tearing his jacket from his shoulders and attacking his vest._

_ Somehow they stumbled up her stairs and to her bedroom. Then it was a long time filled with her heavenly taste, the feel of her smooth skin beneath his fingertips, the sound of her soft cries of pleasure and eventually the warm heat surrounding him._

_ It wasn't a gentle or tender session by any means. He was rough and demanding, this was hard fast lust that he needed. Maybe he wanted to hurt her, to make her afraid of him but it didn't work, he could never work himself into a frenzy that much, not with her._

_ But it felt good when he found his release, that warmth he'd been searching for._

_ For a long time he simply lay there, allowing himself to hold her but he didn't say anything. She didn't speak either but simply let her fingertips draw small circles on his chest. "You're going to stay," she told him firmly._

_ His jaw clenched at the reminder of his plans. He was going to leave…he just hadn't yet._

_ Jane finally sat up and got out of the bed, leaving her naked and alone in the tangle of sheets. He can feel her eyes on him as he gets dressed but neither of them said a word. He never looks at her, not even when he leaves._

* * *

Cho had planned ahead, reserving a flight for both of them later that very day. Jane hadn't gotten much of a chance to do anything more than pack a few things. The man stayed with him the whole time, probably to make sure that he didn't change his mind. But Jane wasn't going to do it, he thought about it but not seriously. Lisbon needed him in California.

Almost as soon as they got to their seats Cho bent his head and went to sleep. The man had been on a twelve-hour flight and was now about to start another, it was no small wonder he was exhausted. Jane knew that this wasn't for him though, it had probably taken a lot of effort to keep from beating the shit out of him the moment he saw him again. Cho was doing all of this for Lisbon, that was the kind of love and loyalty she inspired.

Which is why he was now on a flight back to Sacramento.

"You can say it."

Jane didn't turn his head, still staring out the window. His imaginary Lisbon was sitting beside him and giving him a smug smile. "Fine then, _I'll_ say it. I told you so."

"You didn't win."

"I told you that you needed to go back. I told you that I needed you and here we are, on a flight back to California where you'll see me again."

"It's only temporary," Jane assured her, "I'm going to put Volker away again and then I'll leave."

"How many times did you tell me that you were going to leave before?" She asked him, "You said it almost every night for three months!"

"But I _did_ leave."

"And you've hated yourself since."

"What else is new?" Jane replied calmly. He was used to hating himself for the terrible sins he'd made over the years. He could live with self-hatred if it meant protecting the ones he cared about.

Lisbon was quiet for a minute and Jane briefly wondered if he'd finally rid himself of the ghost for the time being. "What about the baby?"

He closed his eyes against the pain. It wasn't the first time Lisbon had brought up that particular subject and every time he felt that that rush of guilt like a tidal wave crashing down around him. "I don't care about the baby."

"I'm sure that's what I really think, after all you _left_."

"I didn't leave because of the baby."

"Do you really think that technicality matters to me?"

Jane didn't say anything he knew that she was right. Lisbon didn't care what his real reason for leaving was, she certainly didn't care that it had everything to do with who he was and what she truly deserved. All that mattered to her was that he'd known there was a child…and he'd still walked away.

What kind of man did that?

"Maybe you don't have a problem," she pointed out, "maybe I got rid of it."

He shook his head. "No, you didn't."

"How do you know?"

"Cho said so," he reminded her, "But you were going to keep it anyways, it's in your nature."

"Do you think we had a boy or a girl?" Lisbon wondered, her face scrunched up with a pensive expression.

"I don't think about it," Jane replied.

"Liar."

He gave her an annoyed look. "What did you call me?"

"You're a liar, I know you are lying," Lisbon replied smugly. "When you were standing on the bridge in London you wondered if the baby would look like you. In New York you imagined what it would be like to have a son. In Lima you kept thinking about a little girl with dark brown hair. You've imagined what our child looks like almost as often as you've imagined me!"

He was getting frustrated right now. "So I've thought about it? So what? It isn't going to make a difference. I won't see it anyways."

"You really think that is going to happen? You're going to be in the same city limits as the child you've obsessed over for five years and you really think you are going to have the willpower to stay away?"

"I've stayed away from you."

"Yes you did," Lisbon agreed, "Where are you going again?"

Jane groaned in frustration. "Why do I even talk to you?"

"Because you miss me," Lisbon reminded him, "but don't worry. In about ten hours you'll be able to talk to the real me. We'll just have to see if you conjure me up again after that."

He nodded numbly and stared out of the window again. It was true; in a few hours he would be seeing her again. He couldn't decide if he was excited or worried about that, he did know that his stomach was tied up in a knot so tight it actually hurt.

"You do know that when you see me you'll be lucky to escape with your head still attached to your body."

Jane smiled now. "I'm aware of that."

"Just checking."

He leaned back in his seat and closed his eyes, he wasn't going to be able to go to sleep but he didn't try. Right now he wanted to imagine what it would be like to see Lisbon's face again.

That was what he looked forward to most.

* * *

A/N: Interesting no? There's a baby! But what happened? hehehe there's a twist coming up with the kid that I think you guys will like. In the next chapter you'll learn what Lisbon has been up to for the past 5 years and she finally sees Jane again. You don't want to miss her reaction

Review please, I already have chapter 2 finished so you can guarantee a quick updated.


	2. He's Long Gone When He's Next To Me

Disclaimer: I own nothing

A/N: Awww thanks for the warm welcome this little fic has received, thanks for having faith in it hehehe. I'm excited to explore Volker's character because I fetl like we didn't get the ending we deserved with him, he was such a snake hehehe. So you'll get to see the infamous Volker in this chapter and get a bit of a hint what Lisbon has been up to for now. Hope you like it.

**Anonymous Reviews:**

**Anonymous:** Here it is!

**Misfit1-3:** Well here you go, LOL glad to see you like it

**Kourian:** About 4 years old, so preschool at the moment, wait till you see what I have planned there.

**Jessica:** Don't worry, chapter 12 of TBM will be up as soon as I'm done writing it. Got it all planned out ;)

**Anonymous:** I think you may be...right

**Anonymous:** Awww thanks so much, glad you liked it

**Kinzell Brighton:** Well I'm certain you won't be disappointed LOL. You know, I don't intend to write family fics but for some reason the plot bunnies take over my brian and keep knocking Lisbon up LOL.

**Sheila's Pets:** You are undoubtedly right since TBM probably only has 4-5 chapters left.

**Anonymous:** Oh thank you! I don't think they are ALWAYS amazing but I'm glad you enjoy them so much

**Malin:** PArt of this was written because I loved TBM so much, I wanted to do a different twist to it though. You'll see about the baby soon.

* * *

Chapter 2: He's Long Gone When He's Next to Me

_Once upon a time a few mistakes ago_

_I was in your sights, you got me alone_

_You found me, you found me, you found me_

_I guess you didn't care, and I guess I liked that_

_And when I fell hard you took a step back_

_Without me, without me, without me_

_And he's long gone when he's next to me_

_And I realize the blame is on me_

_'Cause I knew you were trouble when you walked in_

_So shame on me now_

_Flew me to places I'd never been_

_'Til you put me down, oh_

_I knew you were trouble when you walked in_

_So shame on me now_

_Flew me to places I'd never been_

_Now I'm lying on the cold hard ground_

_Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble_

_Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble_

_No apologies, he'll never see you cry_

_Pretend he doesn't know that he's the reason why_

_You're drowning, you're drowning, you're drowning_

_Now I heard you moved on from whispers on the street_

_A new notch in your belt is all I'll ever be_

_And now I see, now I see, now I see_

_He was long gone when he met me_

_And I realize the joke is on me, yeah!_

_I knew you were trouble when you walked in_

_So shame on me now_

_Flew me to places I'd never been_

_'Til you put me down, oh_

_I knew you were trouble when you walked in_

_So shame on me now_

_Flew me to places I'd never been_

_Now I'm lying on the cold hard ground_

_Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble_

_Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble_

_And the saddest fear comes creeping in_

_That you never loved me or her, or anyone, or anything, yeah_

_I knew you were trouble when you walked in_

_So shame on me now_

_Flew me to places I'd never been_

_'Til you put me down, oh_

_I knew you were trouble when you walked in_

_So shame on me now_

_Flew me to places I'd never been_

_Now I'm lying on the cold hard ground_

_Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble_

_Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble_

_I knew you were trouble when you walked in_

_Trouble, trouble, trouble_

_I knew you were trouble when you walked in_

_Trouble, trouble, trouble_

_Trouble ~ Taylor Swift_

* * *

Lisbon woke up in the morning with the same feeling of dread, anger and frustration she'd had for the past couple of days. She never could have imagined that Volker would be released, not when she'd literally shot him before he killed a defenseless little boy. The same boy who witnessed a murder, unfortunately the ties to said murder had been nonexistent beyond a frightened boy's testimony. She'd settled for attempted murder but now even that was going to hard to achieve.

She'd love to find out how Volker had managed to crawl his way out of this one but it probably involved blackmail, threats and bribery. It didn't really matter anyways, what was done was done.

She didn't have the luxury of indulging her own demons, she had to be a mom and that meant getting breakfast ready, wrangling up some clothes and doing any other last minute chores that inevitably needed to be done. Forget showing up to work an hour early, she was lucky if she made it on time.

As soon as she walked in she got the memo from Bertram that he wanted to talk about the Volker situation. No doubt it was going to be a very long argument about him wanting her to drop the matter and her insisting that more work needed to be done. Bertram wanted to let another team handle it since there were rumors that it was too personal for her. But Lisbon wasn't about to let this go without a fight.

Rigsby was at his desk when she and Van Pelt entered the bullpen. "Where's Cho?" Lisbon asked, it was unusual for the stoic agent to be missing. He never missed a day.

"He's sick," Rigsby explained, "called me up yesterday and said he wouldn't be able to come in."

Lisbon considered that explanation but shrugged it off. There was a flu going around and Cho was one to suffer in silence. "All right, until we get a new case I want you guys to look over the Volker investigation. I want to make sure that when his new trial comes up we are prepared, we don't want him getting away with this again."

Her orders were given and they were quick to follow, Lisbon moved on to her office where she could do some work herself. She'd had Volker's file and the evidence log brought back up to her office so she could look the whole thing over again. She'd thought this was all over years ago but apparently she'd been wrong.

Lisbon opened the file and glared at Volker's smug face, she'd love to shoot him again. Then she flipped through the report she'd written years ago, the different steps she'd taken catch him in the act. She was fine looking over the past; she had no real regrets about the initial investigation.

Then she saw the name Patrick Jane.

There had never been any way to avoid the memories of him over the years; she'd spent almost nine years working with him and three months in his bed. Anytime she looked at old reports she'd see his name, whenever another book, article or made-for-TV movie came out about Red John she'd remember those years with him.

None of that stopped the rush of pain she felt every time one of those many reminders came up.

She set the file down and stared off into space as memories came, welling forth like blood from a wound. There was the time they'd shared a sundae and talked about life and death, the many times he'd cheer her up with tea and a smile. Then there was the worst of them all, watching him walk out that door, certain that she'd failed.

_"It's not enough. I don't care…It's not enough to make me live again."_

Lisbon shook her head and took a deep breath. That part of her life was over, yes she'd been left with a multitude of scars but she had survived it. She pulled open the folder, determined not to let her memories affect her again. Now she skimmed over every mention of Jane and it worked…mostly.

The time was only interrupted by Bertram's phone call reminding her that her team was on call and if a case came up then they would have to drop the Volker investigation and do their jobs. She was glad he wasn't seeing her because she had a feeling that the expression on her face would have gotten her fired.

"My team is doing their job," Lisbon stressed for the fifth time, "that includes double checking our evidence against Volker to ensure that justice is served a second time."

"This isn't the time or place for vendettas."

"This is _not_ a vendetta," Lisbon declared, "I want to make sure a murderer does not get away with his crimes."

"You still have a job to do, Agent Lisbon."

"And I'm still doing it," she assured him, "you know everyone on my team are professionals." For once that was the absolute truth now that the tall, beautiful and blonde headache was gone.

The pain was back just like that.

"Keep it that way," Bertram ordered.

The phone call didn't last long after that and once she hung up Lisbon allowed herself to groan in frustration. On a good day Bertram was tiring, on days like this it took a lot out of her to keep herself from shouting back at him. He wasn't quite as irritating now that the source of his displeasure was gone but it didn't mean he was easy to work for either.

She was ready to get back to work and get lost in the case but then she caught sight of the time and cursed herself. She was going to be late!

Lisbon grabbed her purse and al other necessary materials before racing out of her office and to the elevator. Fifteen minutes later Lisbon was pulling up at the romantic little bistro that served fabulous sandwiches, soup and pasta, just the type of comfort food she needed on a day like this.

Jeffrey Rose was waiting just inside the door and he smiled as soon as she got out of her car. His dark brown hair was tousled like it always was, his face too babyish to ever be called sexy but he was passably handsome. His best feature were his gray eyes, like storm clouds before the rain. But his looks weren't what she truly cared about.

He was a Phys Ed teacher at an elementary school; he adored kids and was the ideal father figure. He was stable, sweet and had a playful nature that was perfect. There was no bullshit or mystery with him, what you saw was what you got. She was content.

"I almost thought you forgot."

She blushed and let him kiss her softly. "I was caught up at work, with Volker being released it's been pretty hectic."

"How are things with that?"

"As good as they are going to get until he is in prison again," Lisbon told him honestly, "But I don't want to talk about him. I'd much rather forget about him for the next hour."

Jeffrey grinned and took her hand. "Sounds good to me."

They were seated immediately and a meal of club sandwich and French onion soup did wonders to make her feel better. They finished their food rather quickly, which gave them some time to stroll down the street and look around. Jeffrey held her hand the whole time, which was fine, he was her boyfriend after all.

She was content.

They passed a small boutique and then a flower shop. Next door was a little jewelry store that specialized in high end jewelry. She was a little surprised when Jeffrey stopped and turned to look at her. "Want to take a look?"

Lisbon knew exactly what this meant. They'd been having several subtle conversations the past month about marriage. Small suggestions like the lease in his apartment was up in three months, she'd pointed out that she could move some space around in her closet. That Grace's bedroom could be turned into a guestroom when she moved in with Rigsby. Yes they were talking about marriage and that was what she wanted, the perfect father figure.

Still it was a little unsettling to suddenly be looking at rings.

But why not?

"Sure," Lisbon said and he led her inside. The bell rang with a light little jingle when they entered. Another couple was looking in display cases at necklaces but she and Jeffrey headed straight for the rings. Her eyes widened at the choices and then at the prices. The one engagement ring she'd worn for six weeks over twenty years ago had been a small round diamond with a plain gold band. Apparently that was fine for nineteen year olds rushing into things.

Now she saw the choices. Big diamonds cut into pear shapes, ovals, emeralds, even one like a heart, and squares. But not just square cuts, there were square cuts with sharp corners, rounded corners, and somewhere in between. There were different qualities of diamonds too even though it was near impossible for her to see a difference.

Then there were the bands. Yellow gold, white gold, diamond bands and platinum. Did she want one big diamond, several small ones or other stones surrounding it? So many possibilities that were suddenly resting right in front of her, the one ring she would have to look at for the rest of her life.

Jeffrey pointed to one ring. "What about that one?" Lisbon leaned in closer to see which one he was picking. It was nice, a big round diamond with a crest of smaller ones on one side with a white gold pave band. It was a little showy for her but she couldn't think of a reason to turn it down.

"It's nice," she agreed.

Then Jeffrey waved over one of the sales reps. "We'd like to see that one." Lisbon did her best to hide some of her discomfort as the man pulled out the very nice ring.

"Wonderful choice, 1.25 carat diamond, only slightly cloudy, perfect choice for the lady. Would you like to try it on?"

Lisbon hid her apprehension and gave him a small smile. "Sure." The rep slipped the ring onto her finger; it was a little loose so Lisbon knew that it would have to be resized. But that was only if she picked this one…and she wasn't sure in the least about it. "It's a little big," she admitted softly.

"We could have it resized."

She slipped the ring off and set it on the counter. "We've only just started looking," Jeffrey took her hand again as they both walked out of the door, she felt better once they were out of the ring shop.

"Did you see anything you really liked?"

Lisbon shrugged. "I didn't realize there were so many choices."

"Would you rather be surprised?"

She considered that idea for a minute. Lisbon liked the idea of a man picking out the perfect ring, of being shocked with a beautiful stone that would magically fit. But that sort of thing only happened in movies and Lisbon didn't trust Jeffrey's taste in jewelry.

"No," Lisbon told him, "Since I'll be wearing it for my whole life I think I'd like to make sure I love it first."

He grinned at that and nodded, squeezing her hand as they made their way back to the parking lot. They stopped by his car and he turned her to meet his eyes. "We can take our time, there's no rush."

"Exactly," Lisbon agreed, smiling sweetly. Jeffrey leaned in and kissed her softly, a sweet tender kiss that suited him. Like everything else about him, it made her content.

After a decent amount of time he pulled away. "I have to get back to school."

"I need to get back to work," she told him with a small smile.

"I'll call you tonight, maybe we could all do something this weekend?"

She nodded. "That sounds great." They kissed again before she stepped back and waved goodbye as he pulled out of the parking lot. That was the man she would marry. She sometimes tried to picture growing old with him but always ended up picturing it wrong. It didn't matter; he was exactly what she needed.

Lisbon turned and headed around the building to her car but was stopped short when she saw the man standing by it.

Tommy Volker was still a snake whether he was in a nice suit or a prison jumpsuit. "Your boyfriend has good taste, but I would have chosen something more upscale."

For a second all she could do was stare at him in shock. How did he know about Jeffrey? How much did he know about her life? But shock quickly gave way to firm anger, he shouldn't be here! "What do you want?"

The man gave her a once over, his eyes lingering over he body, making her skin crawl. "You look amazing, Agent Lisbon. I'd never guess you are a mother now."

Lisbon felt her stomach twist into a knot. He knew. She shouldn't have been surprised, it was public knowledge…but she hated the idea of this monster knowing about her personal life. "Shouldn't you be with your lawyers?"

He gave her a cold smile. "I felt the need for some fresh air."

Her keys were still in her hand but she crossed her arms and leveled her gaze with him. "I suppose you didn't get enough of that in prison."

She saw a flash of anger then, she wasn't surprised. It was obvious he'd done a stint in prison; new haircut, pale complexion and fleshy skin that was result of high starch prison meals. He looked older, much older than before. She wished he'd rotted there.

"The air was fine," Volker replied, "the same can't be said of the scenery."

"I hope you got used to it. You'll be seeing it again soon."

"So much confidence," he told her with a sly smile, "but you and I both know that I won't be going back there."

Lisbon gave him a firm look. "I put you there once. I'll do it again."

But Volker didn't look fazed in the least. Instead he took a step closer to her, so close she could feel his breath on her face and it made her chill run down her spine. "How do you expect to accomplish that, without your ex boyfriend by your side?"

Her eyes widened and she felt the blood drain from her face at that comment. The words stuck in her throat as she struggled to regain control of this situation. "I…I don't know what you are talking about."

Volker gave her a smug smile. "Hmmm," he murmured noncommittally, "It was good seeing you." He gave her another once over, eyes trailing over her body. "_Very_ good."

Lisbon remained rooted to her spot as she watched him walk away towards one very expensive Mercedes and drive away. Only then did she get into her car. She gripped the steering wheel and realized that her hands were trembling. She let out a few disgusted sounds as she recalled the way the man had looked at her, as if undressing her with his eyes.

He knew.

He knew everything.

She wasn't sure what she had expected, she might not have aired her dirty laundry in public but the gossip mills had run their course. Everyone suspected that she'd slept with Jane. Then there were the public records, she should have just left the father information blank…but she'd never thought that it would be used against her.

What was worse was he'd pointed out something she'd been trying very hard to avoid. She'd only managed to catch Volker because of Jane.

Lisbon remembered standing by those train tracks with three dead bodies by her feet and a feeling of absolute fear and dread.

_"Jane…I need help."_

He'd done it. He'd stepped up and taken the reins. He'd been the one to figure out the murder, the boy's kidnapping…everything. In the end she'd known that Volker was just too far out of her reach, she'd needed the master manipulator to help her finally bring him to justice.

But Jane was gone and she was alone.

Lisbon wiped away a stray tear and started up her car. She would do it; she would figure this out on her own. She'd managed to clean up the mess she'd made of her life after Jane had left once…she would just do it again.

But she had a feeling it wasn't going to be that simple.

* * *

_ Lisbon knew she only had herself to blame for this messed up situation she was currently in. She'd started all of this; from the beginning it had been her. She went to Jane, she kissed him, she seduced him in his motel room and then challenged him. She'd known that it was in his nature to take it, this time she was the one manipulating him and it was working…somewhat._

_ Jane was still here. He hadn't left but his behavior was erratic at best. Some days he deigned to come into work, mostly not._

_ But he came to her home a lot._

_ She closed her eyes at that thought. The routine was almost always the same. He'd come without a word, take her to her bed and screw her until they both were quaking with their release. Then he'd get dressed and leave her there, her thighs still damp with his seed._

_ Like she was nothing more than a two-dollar whore._

_ But that was her fault too. This is what she'd offered and she was fine with it really, if she had to be his fuck-buddy to get him to stay then she would play that part. It was true she'd rather be something meaningful._

_ She wanted him to stay for love._

_ But that was probably nothing more than a dream._

_ Lisbon sat up again and began to get back to work, she had to wile the hours away until she could go home and wait and see if Jane would come tonight or not. She wasn't even sure if he would show up at the CBI or not. Some days she feared that he really would make do on his promise and leave._

_ She wasn't sure she could survive that now._

_ Cho came in with his report, setting it on her desk without a word but she stopped him. "Cho…has Jane come in today?"_

_ "No," he told her simply._

_ Her face fell at that knowledge though she wasn't surprised. "Oh…I hoped he…he would come."_

_ "Why?"_

_ She looked up, puzzled by that statement. "What?"_

_ "Why do you want him to stay?" Cho asked her honestly, "If he doesn't want to stay…why try?"_

_ Lisbon thought about that for a minute. "He needs to stay, he needs to be with people who care about him."_

_ "Not if he doesn't care."_

_ "He does care," she insisted, "He's just…Jane." She saw Cho give her a doubtful look. "I'm trying to convince him to stay, he just needs to see that there is a life for him here."_

_ Cho stared at her for a very long time, the same way he studied a case file, looking at every piece. It was awfully unsettling to have him focused on her like that. She thought he was just trying to think of what to say next. She was wrong._

_ "You're sleeping with him."_

_ She blanched at that statement, shocked that Cho was so bold…and that he'd figured her out. But then she shook her head. "That's none of your business." There was no hiding the blush on her cheeks though._

_ His gaze remained hard. "You need to stop."_

_ "I'm a grown woman, Cho."_

_ "It won't work," Cho stated, "Jane is going to leave, none of us have ever been enough to keep him before. This won't be either."_

_ "You don't know that."_

_ "You're just going to hurt yourself."_

_ Lisbon set the file down on her desk with a loud thwack. "You don't get to question my choices. It's my personal life."_

_ Cho didn't say anything for a long moment, but his eyes remained on her. "Let him go," he told her softly. "You need to let him go…before he destroys you."_

_ She was a bit surprised by his plea and any arguments caught in her throat. Cho didn't say another word but left her alone to ponder everything that he had said. He wanted her to let Jane go._

_ Because Jane could destroy her._

_ She knew that was possible, probably even likely. If there was one thing Jane was good at it was breaking things. Why should her heart be any different?_

_ She should let him go._

_ But she couldn't._

* * *

Lisbon was more than frustrated with the current goings on in Sacramento. It had been quite a shock to find out that Volker was being released, she briefly wondered if he'd paid off the judge but in the end it didn't really matter. He was still out and about and a danger to her.

She'd known that the second he'd shown up outside of the deli she'd been having her lunch at. He'd smirked his serpent smile and once again remarked on her appearance, a compliment that made her feel the need to scrub her skin until it was raw. She'd let him gloat and kept her composure, itching to draw out her gun and shoot him again. But instead she'd watched him walk away, knowing that this was not over by any means. His subtle hints were clue enough that he had plans, plans that included finding some way of getting even with her.

Well she'd enjoy putting the cuffs on him a second time.

For now she would take a restraining order. Unfortunately the judges in town disagreed. "I'm telling you, he was following me. How else did he find me outside of the deli? ... No I can't say for certain he wasn't just walking down the street. Come on, you know this is suspicious. No he didn't actually threaten me but…all right, fine. Thank you for your time."

She let out a frustrated growl and hung up her phone. Lisbon pushed away from her desk to march out in the bullpen where Rigsby and Grace were diligently working. "Anything?"

"Nothing that we can tie him to," Rigsby admitted, "He's covering his tracks."

"I can't believe he's getting away with this," Grace muttered.

"He hasn't yet," Lisbon declared, "We'll find some other way to catch him if we can't use the boy's testimony now. Keep looking. Cho is still out sick so until he gets back we'll be a man short, we can do this though. I'm not going to back down."

But she saw that Rigsby was no longer looking at her…but behind her. And he looked like he was seeing the ghost of his dead grandmother. "Boss…Cho is here."

"What?" Lisbon asked whirling around to see her missing agent strolling into the bullpen.

With Jane.

For a long moment all she could do was gape at him as she felt all of the blood drain from her face. Her heart pounded in her ears and then sank down to her feet. He simply stared right back, looking exactly the same. The same beautiful features, unruly hair and piercing eyes. Those eyes that were once so cold on that rainy night all of those years ago.

_"It's not enough. I don't care…It's not enough to make me live again."_

_ "Then leave. Leave and if you care even the smallest bit…don't come back."_

And just like that, love had turned to hate.

Shock melted from her system, replaced by rage. Lisbon marched towards him and didn't give him a second to think, just reeled back and punched him in the face.

There was a quick gasp from Grace and Cho pushed Lisbon back a few steps while Jane covered his now throbbing nose. "Was that really necessary?"

"You're lucky I didn't shoot you!"

Jane kept his eyes on her but finally lowered his hand, his nose still red. "Okay, you're a little mad."

"No shit." She glared at him menacingly and then turned her attention to Cho. "Why would you bring him here?"

Cho simply shrugged. "We need his help."

"Like hell we do!"

Jane raised an eyebrow at that. "Well I could always leave."

"Yes, do that. Go!"

But the other agent stepped in. "He's not going anywhere."

"Excuse me? Who authorized this?" Lisbon asked, "I'm in charge, not you!"

Cho gave her a meaningful look. "You know we need him. He was the one who caught Volker the last time."

Lisbon fumed at Cho, thinking about how much she'd actually like to fire him at the moment. "I'm not working with him."

Jane gave her a knowing look. "You did like me once."

"Shut up!"

"Now _there's_ the Lisbon I know and love," Jane replied, actually grinning now.

For a second she just stared at him, that beautiful smile that had melted her heart. "Don't say, 'love', Jane. We both know it's a lie."

He looked pained at her words, guilt and hurt crossed over his face but she didn't give a damn about that. Guilt was fine; there was a lot he should feel guilty for. And why should he be hurt if she was simply stating the truth.

Jane straightened, giving her a serious glance. "I'm here to help you, Lisbon."

"I don't need your help."

"You did before, you admitted it. Now he's even more dangerous, he truly has nothing to lose…and you have a lot more at stake this time."

It was hard for her to argue with that statement, even as she stiffened. He had no right to bring that up, not now and not ever.

"I just want to help put him away," Jane explained, "call it a partial payment of my infinite debt."

She glared at him as she considered all of her options and realized she truly had none. "You will look at the files, give suggestions, offer some _appropriate _help and you will stay _far_ away from me. Is that understood?"

"Crystal."

"Good," Lisbon stated, "If you break these rules I _will_ shoot you."

He raised an eyebrow. "I believe you."

Lisbon didn't reply but stiffened her back before marching into her office and slamming the door shut behind her. She wanted walls between them, miles and miles of land and ocean too…and it still wouldn't be enough.

No amount of distance would ever be enough to keep her heart safe.

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There was a very long awkward moment of silence after Lisbon quit the room. Rigsby and Grace kept switching their gazes from Cho to Jane, trying to decide who they were more shocked and angry at. It didn't take them long to decide that their real anger would be focused on the man that had walked out on all of them. Jane had been expecting that.

Cho didn't seem to care about the looks directed his way; he walked over to his desk and grabbed one of his thick files. "Everything we have on Volker," he said, shoving it into Jane's hands, "you know what to do."

"Yes I do," Jane replied, shrugging off the hostility. He looked over and saw that while his desk was gone, his old couch was still there. "I see you didn't move my couch."

The only agent that was talking to him grunted out a reply. "Not yours anymore.

He raised an eyebrow at that comment but didn't say anything about it, just took the file and reclined back on the couch. It was just like old times.

Except for the blatant hostility he had to deal with.

Rigsby and Grace stared at him for a minute before the former turned his attention to Cho. "What the hell are you doing?" Rigsby said softly but Jane could still hear him.

Cho didn't look up. "What needed to be done."

"Are you crazy?"

He finally met Rigsby's eyes. "What happened while I was gone?"

"Nothing," Rigsby told him

But Grace was more forthright. "Lisbon ran into Volker on her lunch break…he really freaked her out."

"That is why I got Jane." Cho stated and turned back to his files.

For a second they stared at him in a long moment of silence. Then Grace leaned over in a harsh whisper. "How do you expect them to work together?"

"I don't."

"So what are you going to do if he starts to cause trouble?" Grace whispered as she pointed to Jane.

"Shoot him."

"Well, that really isn't fair." Jane piped up from his spot on the couch.

Rigsby glared at him. "Do you really want to talk about fair to _us_?"

"This has nothing to do with the three of you," he pointed out

"No, it doesn't have anything to do with _you_," Graced replied, her anger at him glaringly obvious. "You left."

Jane looked back down at the file, not meeting her eyes. "I had my reasons."

"We don't care. Just stop Volker and leave again." She paused for a moment before continuing, "And if you hurt Lisbon, then Cho won't be the only one who shoots you."

"Enough all of you," Lisbon said, breaking the argument. No one had even seen her come in but apparently she'd taken the time to calm down or she realized that more needed to be said after all. She glanced at Jane for a half a second before turning her gaze to the real object of her fury at the moment. "You and I need to talk," she pointed to Cho.

Cho was dutiful as he rose from his desk to follow Lisbon to her office. Jane watched them go and decided that this was going to be a bit more difficult then he had imagined.

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Lisbon waited for Cho to enter her office before shutting the door behind him and whirling around to face him. He was calm like always, not batting an eye at her anger. And she was angry; furious really that he had done this. He knew as well as anyone on the team what she had gone through, perhaps more since he'd been the one to find her the day after Jane left. He'd been the one to tell her to let Jane go.

And he was the one who brought him back.

"I really want to know what the hell you were thinking," Lisbon stated, crossing her arms over her chest to give him her best glare.

"Jane got Volker last time," Cho reminded her, "we need him again."

"Is that what he told you?"

"No."

"Then how did you know he was in Maine?"

Cho raised an eyebrow. "How did you know that?"

She faltered and for a second they stared at one another, reading the truth from each other's faces. "You've been tracking him too," Lisbon said, she wasn't quite as angry but more surprised.

"Yeah."

"Why?"

He shrugged. "In case we needed him again. Why did you?"

"It's always best to know which direction the storm is coming from," Lisbon stated dryly. The truth was that it was best to know where the man who knocked her up was at any given time. She sighed heavily and shook her head. "You shouldn't have brought him here."

"We need him," Cho stated.

"I don't want him here," Lisbon countered.

"I know."

She gave him an annoyed look. "So you brought him anyways?"

Cho looked her right in the eye. "What did Volker say to you?"

Lisbon blanched, she wasn't about to admit how badly Volker had shaken her up, especially when he gave her that lecherous gaze that made her feel dirty. She didn't want Cho to know how worried she actually was either. "It was nothing."

"Tracking you down isn't 'nothing'." He pointed out.

She had a hard time refuting that argument. "It's my problem."

"He's targeting _you_," Cho reminded her, "you were always the one he blamed because you were the one who didn't give up. He toyed with you once, this time he'll make sure you can't escape. The _only_ way to catch him is Jane, he's the one who figured him out last time, he's the only one who can do it again."

Lisbon looked down at the floor. She hated the idea of needing Jane's help again, especially after everything that had happened. But she'd been in over her head entirely six years ago; it was hard to deny that she was in over her head again.

And Cho was right…she had more to lose now.

"Keep him away from me and my family," Lisbon told him firmly. "He can work here, he can help us trap Volker and then he can leave. But he lost any trust I had a long time ago."

"You don't have to trust him."

"Good," Lisbon said.

She turned towards her desk thinking that this conversation was over. But Cho had one more point to make. "He's going to find out."

Lisbon flinched and looked back at Cho. "Not necessarily."

"You really think you'll be able to keep him separate from all of this?"

She shrugged. "I have to try."

"Why?"

Lisbon looked away and sighed. "Because I let him destroy me once, I'll be damned if I'll let him do it again."

* * *

_ Lisbon realized that her days were revolving around her evenings, specifically around wondering if Jane was going to come by and engage in meaningless and demeaning sex. Why was she doing this? Letting him take what he wanted and leave without a word, it was such a terrible way to try and keep him._

_ She felt used and foolish, sleeping with him to get him to stay. She'd never been one of those desperate women and now…here she was._

_ And the worst part was…she couldn't stop._

_ The knock and the door told Lisbon that it was one of those nights. But tonight she hesitated at the door before making a decision. Tonight she wasn't going to sleep with him, not until they talked, not until she got a guarantee that he would stay. She couldn't keep it up like this, maybe she was putting on a good front but inside she kept getting smaller and smaller every time he walked out that door._

_ As soon as she opened the door Jane stepped in, he brought her in close and kissed her, hot needing kisses that made her blood sing. But this time she pushed him back and shook her head. "No, Jane, not now."_

_ He looked surprised by that and why not? Every other night he'd come over for booty call she'd accepted, no questions asked. "Jane," she began softly, "I need to hear that you are going to stay."_

_ "Why?"_

_ "Why? How about because I can't keep wondering if you are going to walk out that door and never come back!"_

_ Jane simply shrugged. "You should have said something before."_

_ "I think my asking you to stay counts," Lisbon replied quickly._

_ But he shook his head. "You know I can't stay."_

_ Tears threatened to spill down her cheeks and she tried to hide that, to remain strong. "Why not?"_

_ He gave her a very cold look. "Because there is nothing keeping me here."_

_ Now she felt real anger…and pain. "I'm here!" she shouted at, "Me, the woman you have been screwing for the past month. Doesn't that mean _anything_ to you?"_

_ For a second he looked pained. "It means everything to me and you know that."_

_ But she didn't. How could she know that when he walked out the door every time without a word? "But it's not enough to make you stay?"_

_ "No, I need to think about some things."_

_ The pain the followed devastated her, she wanted to curl up into a ball and cry…after beating him to death first. "Fine!" she shouted at him, "then go!" she shoved him forcefully out of her door, ready to slam it on his face._

_ Jane slammed his hand against the door to keep her from doing just that. "You always knew this was going to happen as soon as he was dead."_

_ "But you had to fuck me first," she told him harshly._

_ Jane stepped closer to her, a feral gleam in his eyes. "Don't pin this on me, woman. You started all of this, _you_ wanted this. You should have just let me go but you couldn't."_

_ "Then why haven't you left yet?" she asked, her voice low and harsh._

_ "I wish to hell I knew!"_

_ "You're a bastard," Lisbon hissed, meaning ever word._

_ But Jane didn't look affected by that at all. "Then why do you want me to stay?"_

_ "I don't."_

_ "Liar."_

_"It's true, you son of a bitch." Lisbon insisted, even though her heart was screaming to stop. "If you want to leave then leave! I don't care anymore!"_

_ "More lies."_

_ "Just go," she told him, "Go!"_

_ "Fine," He said firmly as he rebounded from the shove, pushing her back slightly. "But you want me to stay."_

_ "No, I don't. I'm done with you!" She told him, shoving him again. No longer caring if her neighbors heard or saw._

_ Jane didn't seem to care either; he was looking at her with a cold gaze. "You and I both know that I will leave but it won't be tonight. You want me to stay tonight so just say it."_

_"Fuck you!"_

_ "Such language," he took a step closer to her and she could feel his hot breath on her skin. "If you want me to leave you will need to do better than a little shove."_

_ "How about I knock out your teeth instead?"_

_ "I dare you."_

_ Lisbon was all too happy too happy to deliver on that dare. She reeled back her arm to do just that but Jane grabbed her fist and forced it behind her back, drawing her closer to him. For a long moment all they did was stare at each other, lightening flashing in their eyes. In that second she loved and hated this man all at the same time, she had a feeling he felt the same, the question was which side would win that battle._

_ In a second they knew._

_ He tightened his grip on her and pulled her closer until he smashed his lips against hers. She fought back, returning his kiss with wild abandon and wrenching her arm free so she could run her hands over his chest, his neck and hair and back again. They weren't being gentle or sweet, leaving bruises was fine._

_ She stumbled backwards into her apartment, dragging him with her. He shoved her up against door as soon as they were inside, pinning her with his body and she let out a low moan at the feel of his hard length against her stomach. There was no stopping this from happening now…but she wasn't going to be gentle about it._

_ She shoved him back with an angry smirk; he had a feral gleam in his eyes as he hauled her against him. She didn't know what happened next, but somehow they both stumbled and wound up on her living room floor._

_ After that it was an absolute frenzy, they tugged at each other's clothing in an attempt to find the feverish skin beneath but mostly all they did was rip fabric and return to just attacking the other with lips and teeth. Jane tugged her sweatpants down over her legs, being even less gentle with her panties as she heard the fabric tear. She reached for him but gasped in shock when he grabbed her hands and held them up over her head._

_ There was no foreplay; their fight had taken care of that. He just freed himself from his pants and entered her in one quick thrust. Her mouth opened in an 'O' but not a sound came out, he didn't wait for her to adjust, just started a fast bruising pace, still keeping her hands pinned._

_ His low growls mingled with her moans, she cried out softly every time he thrust inside of her, the pleasure pain driving her mad with lust. His rhythm was fast and erratic; his grip on her wrists so tight she knew she'd find bruises later. She felt the tingling bubble of pleasure start in her stomach and spread outwards as the throbbing grew intense._

_ Jane moved to shackle both of her wrists with one hand, allowing the other to reach beneath her torn shirt to find one warm breast. He pinched and teased the nipple none too gently, making her cry out even more. She felt the bubble inside of her burst and she dug her nails into the skin of his hand she rode out her release._

_ He continued to pump her, his thrusts faster and harder. She cracked open her eyes to see that he was staring at her, a mixture of pain, lust, beauty and something else in his gaze. He gave a low moan and she felt his warmth fill her. He gave her two more shallow thrusts before coming to a shaky halt._

_ They stared at each other; the only sound was their heavy breathing and the blood roaring in their ears. He still held her wrist captive in his hand, the other supporting himself on the floor. The anger was gone now, replaced with a painful longing. She didn't want to fight with him, she just wanted to matter._

_ After a long moment he finally slipped out of her and rose to his feet. It only took a moment to rearrange his clothes and make himself somewhat presentable. Then just like he always did he walked out the door without another word._

_ Lisbon remained on the floor for several minutes and then slowly sat up. Her legs and hands were still shaking as she pulled her knees up to her chest and then started to sob, gut wrenching cries. All she wanted was to mean something to him._

_ But perhaps that was too much to ask._

* * *

Jane went through the pretense of looking through Volker's file but he knew it was pointless. He'd already reassessed everything he knew about Volker while on the plane, that was far more informative then the court documents regarding his first arrest and trial. No, the file was merely a cover to gather what information truly mattered to him at the moment.

What had happened over the past five years?

His desk was gone and there was no replacement, meaning the team had given up finding someone to fill the void he'd left on the team. Cho seemed more at peace, which meant there was probably someone in his life, no clues as to who the lucky lady was, but Jane was confident he could find out more information soon. The ones he didn't have any doubts on were Rigsby and Van Pelt, he saw the looks they gave each other, the brief moments of contact, they were in a relationship again. Judging by the level of intimacy shown they were ready to take the next step and move in together or even further with an engagement, the one question was what was keeping them from doing so right now?

Lisbon was the toughest nut to crack mostly because she had been avoiding him all day. She'd remained shut up in her office, not coming out once which meant she really wanted to make a point, as she didn't even stop to get a cup of coffee. But Jane knew she would fold eventually, she needed her favorite brew like others needed oxygen.

Sure enough, in the evening she gave up the fight and crept out of her office. He knew she glanced at him to see what he was doing so he made sure to look like he was completely engrossed in the Volker file. Once she was certain that he hadn't noticed her, she relaxed and continued to the break room.

He waited three minutes before getting up heading over to the break room. She was stirring sugar in a cup of coffee and taking a satisfying sip when he walked in. She turned to walk out the door but stopped right in her tracks like a deer caught in the headlights of a car. For a second all she did was stand there and stare…then she remembered to be mad at him.

"I told you to stay away from me," she reminded him icily.

But Jane just shrugged it off. "You know better than to believe that we'll be able to avoid each other until this is over."

She set her mug down with a clink; it was a wonder her coffee didn't spill out. "When will this be over, Jane?"

"Excuse me?"

"Give me an end date," Lisbon demanded, crossing her arms over her chest, "When are you going to leave? Tomorrow? The day after that? When?"

He raised an eyebrow at her. "When Volker is no longer a problem for you."

"Then go now," she told him, "Because I don't have a problem."

"Oh really?"

"Yes."

He smiled knowingly. "Quick question, what _did_ Volker say to you after he followed you this afternoon?" Lisbon blushed and looked away which told Jane two things. One, he was right, and two, it was something bad. "Ah, he must have made some disgusting remark about you again, he hasn't changed much in five years has he?"

She shook her head and then sighed. "Why are you here?"

"I want to help," Jane told her honestly, "Volker is not an opponent who should be underestimated and I don't want you getting caught in his web again."

"Why do you care?"

"Why shouldn't I?"

"You didn't before," Lisbon replied smoothly, "you told me as much."

He knew she wasn't talking about the initial investigation with Volker; he'd cared a great deal then, especially when he realized the man was targeting Lisbon. She was talking about the callous way he'd walked out the door and out of her life.

"I never said I didn't care," he pointed out, "I said it wasn't enough."

"It's the same thing."

"No—."

"I don't want to argue," Lisbon interrupted, throwing up her hands. "Just tell me what you have on Volker, the sooner this is over with the sooner you can leave."

Jane nodded since a part of him agreed with her. He wanted to be gone too, being near her only made the pain more prominent…but it also soothed some of the hurt he'd been carrying around. The guilt was the worse now though, much, much worse.

"You need to drop the old investigation."

She gaped at him as if he'd grown a second head. "What?"

"Volker has undoubtedly had that evidence tainted, he's planned this too well. What we had before is useless, we need to start fresh."

"That is _all_ we had to hang him on," Lisbon reminded him, her voice high and angry.

"At the moment," Jane agreed, "Which means we'll have to find something else."

"Like what?"

"His future or his past."

Now Lisbon gave him an annoyed look. "You aren't a psychic so how the hell can you predict what he'll do?"

Jane gave her a knowing smile. "Volker is a man who needs to be in control who has been in prison for over five years, it isn't difficult to figure out what he will do next?"

"And that is?"

"Who took over Volker's company?"

Lisbon was taken aback by that question, as if he asked her how to divide 13 into 335,578. "I don't know."

"Whoever is controlling Volker's company is the one he's going to go after next," Jane explained, "He wants to gain back what he lost, what he believes is rightfully his."

She studied him for a long moment, processing his information. "I'll get the team to look into it, see who's in charge now and if he'll accept our help."

Lisbon turned back to her coffee, taking a sip and grimacing a little, he could guess it had gone cold. For a second all he did was stare at her back, he supposed this was her way of saying that he was dismissed. Maybe he should leave but he couldn't find the will to walk away yet, there were too many questions and he didn't know how to ask them. And then one just slipped out.

"Boy or girl?"

She tensed up at his words and Jane couldn't blame her. A part of him wanted to go back in time and stop himself. But it was too late, the question was out there, might as well try and get some answers from it. "Did we have a boy or a girl?"

Lisbon remained still for a very long time before finally turning around to look at him. Her eyes were ice cold. "Let's make one thing clear, Jane. _We_ do not have _anything_ together. _My_ life, _my_ family is none of your business."

"I…I just want to know."

"Why?" she asked, "what difference does 'knowing' make? You aren't going to stick around, you said that yourself."

Jane was quiet for a minute as he stared at her hurt face. There were things he needed to say, above all, two simple words. "I'm sorry."

"Good," Lisbon told him coldly, "you should be."

For a very long time they just stared at each other, she was angry and he was sad but neither one of them had anything else to say. The silence was only broken by Grace who came to the break room, car keys in hand. "Lisbon?" She asked softly, eyes darting from one to the other. "You ready to go home?"

Lisbon turned to look at Grace and nodded. "Yeah, I'm ready," she poured her cold coffee into the sink in preparation to leave.

Now it was Jane's turn to be shocked. "Wait a minute…you two are living together?"

"Yes," Lisbon told him simply.

But it wasn't that simple. Why was Grace living with Lisbon? What piece of information was he missing here? "How long?"

"Going on five years," she replied. Lisbon didn't say anything else but turned and walked out the door. Grace stared at him for half a second before following her boss, friend and apparently roommate.

So many questions, not enough answers, Jane hated it when situations came up like this. Cold reading just wasn't cutting it; there was only so much he could see from Lisbon's face and even less when she refused to look at him.

He sighed and left the break room; apparently the investigative part of the evening was over. Jane made his way back to the bullpen to find Cho and Rigsby the only two other occupants. Rigsby glanced at him before turning away; he'd barely spoken two words to Jane all day. Then again…nobody had.

"I'll have a rental car in the morning," Jane explained, "But I need a ride to a motel."

Rigsby didn't look up but Cho met his eyes, no surprise there since his luggage was still in Cho's car anyways. "All right," Cho told him before standing up from his desk and grabbing his keys.

The car ride was mostly silent, the same way the plane trip had been. Cho wasn't one to talk unless spoken to but he wasn't one to give answers even when questions were asked either. But Jane's head was still spinning with the recent revelations.

"Grace and Lisbon are living together?"

Cho didn't even bat an eye. "Yes."

"Why?"

Now he did glance over at Jane. "You already know."

Yes he did, he knew that Grace's new residence probably was because of the child he'd abandoned. He was just surprised that Lisbon had actually admitted that she needed help. He couldn't shake the feeling that there was more to this story than he originally assumed.

"Everything is okay with the baby, right?"

"Yes."

"And her pregnancy?"

Cho pulled into the parking lot of a motel and killed the engine. "Stop asking, Jane."

Jane stared at him for a minute. "Something did happen."

"Yeah," Cho said, stepping out of the car, "you left her alone."

Things were quiet between them again as Jane checked into the motel at the front desk and received his room key. He was a little surprised that Cho was sticking around but he guessed the man wanted to know where his room was, probably in case something happened or to find him in a quick minute.

Jane slipped the key card into the slot and opened the door…and then said what he needed to say. "I didn't leave because of the baby."

"She said that too."

So she hadn't lied…interesting.

He sighed and set his bag down, running a hand through his hair. "Thank you, Cho. Thank you for getting me, Lisbon wouldn't have admitted she needed help with Volker."

Cho's eyes narrowed. "Just get him."

He turned to leave and Jane assumed that was the end of it. But two steps from the door Cho changed his mind; suddenly he turned around and strode towards Jane. Before he could think twice Cho slugged him hard in the stomach, it felt like he'd thrown a brick in his gut.

Jane let out a low 'Oof' and crumbled to the floor with a moan while Cho simply turned around and walked out.

He clutched his middle, feeling the agony of a real punch like that. He somehow managed to roll onto his back and he saw his fantasy Lisbon standing above him, her green eyes sparkling and a real smirk on her face."

"Don't. Say. A word," he told her through gritted teeth.

She did as he asked.

But he still had to hear her laugh.

* * *

A/N: Hehehe so Fantasy Lisbon is still around LOL, you'll get more of her pithy remarks int he future. I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter and the reintroduction of Volker. See if you can fill in some of the blanks Jane is missing

In the next chapter: Jane and Lisbon continue to cause friction as they work on figuring out Volker's next move but Volker has his own agenda and when he threatens Lisbon's family she is forced to take some drastic measures...and Jane learns that his sins are even greater than he realized when he finally meets his child.


	3. You Take Your Heart and Walk Away

Disclaimer: I own nothing

A/N: I continue to be astounded by the support this fic has gotten, I guess people like Jane being a jackass LOL. Yes Jane is being a jerk but honestly, Lisbon has to take some of the blame too, she brought some of this pain on herself by allowing herself to become his little toy that could be discarded. But you'll see what happens. And oh yes, Volker returns hehehe

**Anonymous Reviews: **

**Jessica**: LOL here is an update, sorry about the wait but I have to make money so I can eat LOL Yes Fantasy Lisbon has been taunting JAne for the past five years, ever since he left. You might be right about CHo too ;-)

**Sheila's Pets:** LOL here it is, you don't have to wait anymore

**Merylin:** I love Fantasy Lisbon too, so happy that she's been so well recieved. I'm working on updates, so I hope this helps. Jeffrey is still being fleshed out but frankly, Lisbon doesn't really care for Jeffrey as much as she'd like to so it makes it harder to like him. Jane doesn't know when anything was occurring with Lisbon and her pregnancy, but you'll get some more information about where he was and what he was doing.

**Wavehap:** Cho is going to have stepped up quite a bit in the beginning of Lisbon's pregnancy, you'll see something there. But I'm glad you like fantasy Lisbon, she is too much fun to write

**Brando:** Awwww thanks for the high compliment, I'm glad you enjoyed Lavinia so much

**Jackson5: **Of course I will explain that, Lisbon needs those answers too. LOL I'm glad you like it so much, you'll get your answers I promise

**KinzellBrighton:** You'll get the answer to that question hehehe.

**Anonymous:** Yes it was deserved and Cho has another reason for why he punched Jane...

* * *

Chapter 3: You Take Your Heart and Walk Away

_Should've kissed you there _

_I should've held your face _

_I should've watched those eyes _

_Instead of run in place _

_I should've called you out _

_I should've said your name _

_I should've turned around _

_I should've looked again _

_But oh, I'm staring at the mess I made _

_I 'm staring at the mess I made _

_I 'm staring at the mess I made _

_As you turn, you take your heart and walk away _

_Should've held my ground _

_I could've been redeemed _

_For every second chance _

_That changed its mind on me _

_I should've spoken up _

_I should've proudly claimed _

_That oh my head's to blame _

_For all my heart's mistakes _

_But oh, I'm staring at the mess I made _

_I 'm staring at the mess I made _

_I 'm staring at the mess I made _

_As you turn, you take your heart and walk away _

_And it's you, and it's you _

_And it's you, and it's you _

_And it's falling down, as you walk away _

_And it's on me now, as you go _

_But oh, I'm staring at the mess I made _

_I 'm staring at the mess I made _

_I 'm staring at the mess I made _

_As you turn, you take your heart and walk away _

_And it's falling down, as you walk away _

_And it's on me now, as you go _

_But oh, I'm staring at the mess I made _

_I 'm staring at the mess I made _

_I 'm staring at the mess I made _

_As you turn, you take your heart and walk away_

_~ Parachute_

* * *

There was a tinge of blue on Jane's cheek, an even darker purple bruise on right side of his stomach. All came from a day with the only people he really considered friends, he supposed they disagreed.

"I really did a number on you didn't I?" Lisbon quipped. He could imagine her beside him, her beautiful reflection in the mirror as he inspected his wounds. "Maybe you should stop pissing me off."

"I left," Jane reminded her, "that should have taken care of that."

"Oh I bet I had five years of blissful peace," she agreed, "excepting the massive heartbreak, gut wrenching pain and the joys of raising your child _alone_."

"You weren't alone," he said softly, "you had your brothers and the team, Grace is living with you."

"Yes, why do you think she's living with me now?" Lisbon asked, "must have been pretty big if it meant I swallowed my pride and asked for help."

Jane shrugged. "Taking care of an infant by yourself isn't easy, it makes sense that someone would step up."

"Someone besides you."

He gave her an annoyed look. "Well I wasn't in Sacramento."

"And whose fault is that?"

Jane ignored that question entirely, moving past the fantasy and into the sleeping area of the room where he could change his clothes. But Lisbon simply followed him. "You know, you should be grateful he just punched you in the stomach. It's a shame it wasn't a few inches lower."

He straightened up at that threat. "You had your shot," Jane reminded her, "You punched me in the face."

"I bet I want to do it again."

"I'm sure you'll have the chance," he replied, grabbing a pair of slacks and pulling them on.

She remained standing there, a fantasy witness to him transforming back to his old self, at least visually. "Why do you think Grace still lives with me?"

"I have no idea."

"The baby isn't a baby anymore, why stick around now? I can put the kid in daycare while I'm at work and pick it up on the way home, so why the extra roommate?"

Jane didn't look at her. "It doesn't matter to me."

"Apparently it does since I am you subconscious and your subconscious is bringing it up." She caught his eyes, her gaze narrowing at his. "You're worried. You're afraid that something is wrong, your kid is disabled or sick and you haven't been there for it."

That was the worst thing about this fantasy Lisbon his mind had conjured up, because she was in his mind, she was always right.

"There isn't anything I can do for them now," Jane stated.

"You can't change the past," Lisbon agreed, "but you could do something about the future."

"I know my future."

"Oh you do? What does the great Swami see now?"

He knew she already knew the answer, he also knew that she didn't believe it. That was unsettling because he knew it meant a part of him didn't believe his words either. "You're fine," Jane told her, "You're still working and are well enough to hit me."

"So that makes leaving again okay?"

Jane sighed heavily. "You know I can't stay."

"No, I don't. I know you most certainly can."

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

He was late arriving to the CBI, but then again since he didn't work there officially anymore he supposed that he was on time. Getting the rental car had taken a bit longer than he'd anticipated; he wished he'd left his Citroen here if only for convenience. Still he had a hard time getting out of the car, he just sat there, his hands clutching the wheel and staring ahead.

"Coward," Lisbon told him, now suddenly sitting in the passenger seat.

Jane didn't look at her; he was still trying to figure out if he should leave and go back to merely existing. He'd made that choice five years ago believing it was right, yes he'd had doubts but that didn't mean it had been the wrong one.

"That's the most ridiculous thing you've ever thought." He glared at her but she just gave him another hard look.

"I made the right choice," Jane told her calmly, "I left you because I couldn't be what you needed."

"That's what you think."

"It's what I know."

She leveled her gaze with him. "What I needed was a father to your child."

Jane looked out the window. "You can still find that."

"You _hate_ that idea."

"And how would you know that?" he asked, giving her another glare.

"Because I hate it and I _am_ your thoughts, remember? That means a part of you cannot stand the idea of someone else taking care of _your_ kid…or taking the woman you love."

He kept his grip hard on the steering wheel, he didn't like that thought one bit, he couldn't deny that. "Loving you was never a problem."

"Then what was?"

Jane was quiet for a moment before saying very softly. "Living with it."

He stopped arguing with her then, choosing to step out of the car and face his demons for at least a little while. The stares followed him as he made his way through the CBI and up to the bullpen. There were more people staring at him today than yesterday, word had gotten around and people wanted to see if he really was there. It was probably the only time in CBI history that no one had called in sick and shown up on time, Bertram should thank him for that.

He didn't look at anyone of them, why should he care what they think? Soon enough he'd be away again and the gossip mill would fade away along with the memories. Jane made his way to the bullpen and back to the life he once lived. Lisbon was there along with the rest of the team, a file in her hand and she was talking to Grace. That didn't stop her from giving him a glare. "I thought you'd gone back to Maine."

"Volker is still out and about isn't he?" Jane replied. She just stared coldly back but he shrugged it off. "Do you know who took over his company?"

Lisbon looked at him for a moment, obviously trying to decide whether or not to actually include him in a part of this. Jane knew she would give in if only because she knew that he would be of invaluable use here.

"His name is Gregory Marcowitz," Lisbon told him calmly, "he was one of the regional partners and was voted in after Volker was voted out when he went to prison."

Jane nodded. "They can't expect him to run a company behind bars, but Volker doesn't care about that. It's his company and that means it is his property, he'll want it back."

"Marcowitz won't answer any of our calls," Lisbon replied, "his secretary said that they no longer have any contact or connection with Volker and he wants the matter to be dropped."

"Then he's a fool."

Lisbon turned away from Jane and focused on the rest of her team. "We need to talk to him, if he won't take our calls then we'll go in person. Cho and I will go, Rigsby, Van Pelt I want you looking into Volker, see who he talked to in prison, what he did, everything. He has a plan, we are going to find it."

Cho grabbed his things to follow Lisbon out of the bullpen but both of them stopped when Jane started to come too. "What are you doing?" Lisbon asked accusingly.

"I find myself curious about this man," Jane told her, giving her a small smile and reveling in her look of annoyance.

"You're not coming with us."

"I'm here, Lisbon," Jane reminded her, "I'm here to help you. The more I help the sooner Volker will be put away and the sooner I can leave your life forever. If you'd like to keep me here longer than by all means, don't listen to me."

She glared at him. "So, that's it? Either I let your run amok or you stick around here?"

"Those are your two options."

For a second she looked like all she wanted to do was kill him, she did have her gun so Jane knew it wasn't an idle threat. But he also knew that reason would reign over emotions. "Fine, you can come, but only because I want you gone as soon as possible." She turned her attention back to Cho. "You drive."

Jane raised an eyebrow at the fact that Lisbon wasn't taking her own car; no doubt she'd changed that plan as soon as he'd invited himself. She wanted him nowhere near her life and her child…that was fine, he shouldn't know.

But he was curious.

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He waited until he was in the back of Cho's car to start his own little interrogation. Lisbon was quiet in the passenger's seat, looking out the window and away from him. "How long do you expect to keep up this silent treatment?" Jane asked.

"As long as you are here," she replied, still looking away.

"Hmmm" Jane replied turning his attention to Cho, "Perhaps Cho will be more agreeable. You know she won't even tell me if she had a boy or a girl."

"Does it matter?" Cho asked, his voice low and stilted.

"She won't tell me about her boyfriend either."

"Who told you about Jeffrey?" Lisbon whirled around to glare at him.

Jane's eyes sparkled. "No one. That was a complete guess."

Her cheeks flushed at that statement and she turned back around so she wasn't looking at him anymore. That only meant he didn't have to keep the appearances that he didn't care. Truthfully he'd been hoping that he'd been wrong, he shouldn't care, he should want her with someone who was undoubtedly a better match for her than him.

"So, his name is Jeffrey," Jane repeated, settling back into his seat, "what else?"

Lisbon flicked her eyes to Cho. "Don't tell him anything."

"Yes, boss."

Jane rolled his eyes. "Now this isn't fair."

"No, Jane," Lisbon stated turning around to look at him again. "What isn't _fair_ is watching you walk out that door. It isn't _fair_ being single mother to…" She clammed up then which really caught Jane's attention.

"To…?" Jane continued, "a boy? A girl? What?"

She slumped back in her seat. "You don't want to know, Jane."

"You think it will make it harder for me to leave?"

"No," Lisbon stated coldly, "I don't believe it will be _enough_."

That statement struck him but he did what he could to hide that pain. "Then why not tell me if it doesn't truly matter?"

She turned to look at him again, her eyes filled with poison. "Because let me have some revenge, Jane. Even if it is petty."

Lisbon remained silent for the rest of the ride; no amount of prodding could get her to speak. Jane gave up after a little while; honestly feeling a bit ragged himself. Her revenge might be petty but it was working, not knowing was driving him mad.

They finally arrived at their destination and the mood was decidedly chilly before they made it into the over air-conditioned lobby. The receptionist knew who they were immediate and did not look pleased about it all. But she dutiful, informing her boss that the CBI was there to see him. After a quick phone call they were told to head up to Marcowitz's office on the fifth floor.

Marcowitz had taken over Volker's previous office but had changed the décor quite a bit. It was a bit cozier with some comfortable looking chairs and a sofa, his own personal pictures on the wall and a couple of plants in the corners. Lisbon still remembered coming here to confront Volker, everything about that man was gone but his presence still haunted the place.

"Agent Lisbon," Marcowitz said, standing up from his desk and shaking her hand. "My secretary told me you were here."

She nodded. "This is Agent Cho and Patrick Jane, we need to talk to you about Tommy Volker."

"As I told you on the phone, this company no longer has any affiliation with Tommy. I have not contacted him since his conviction."

"But he has contacted you," Jane stated.

Marcowitz flicked his eyes to Jane, trying to decide who he was and how to address him obviously. "He has reached out to me."

That was news to Lisbon. "What does he want?"

"For me to step down, he believes that with his release that he is now able to take control of the company again. Of course that is ridiculous, his conviction has not been overturned."

Jane raised an eyebrow at that statement. "And if it were?"

"Tommy left this company vulnerable, the board would never support his reinstatement, not as long as I am here."

"So if you weren't here then they would."

"What?"

"You just said that as long as you were here then the board would continue to support you," Jane pointed out, "implying that if you weren't then Volker would have a chance to regain control of his company. That means that _you_ are the only thing standing between him and what he wants."

Lisbon felt like hitting Jane for the implication…but she couldn't help but admit that he had a good point.

"There are a myriad of complications preventing Tommy from returning."

"But mostly you," Jane finished.

Marcowitz looked very uncomfortable when he admitted. "Yes, I suppose so. Why are you asking?"

"Volker has a history of eliminating his threats," Jane replied.

But the man shook his head. "No, Tommy won't do that."

"Volker was convicted of a attempting to kill an eight year old boy," Lisbon reminded him, "And he was implicated in the murder of at least five other people."

"I'm aware of that," Marcowitz replied, "But Tommy is no threat, not now when you and your team are keeping a careful eye on him. He has issued no threats against me."

"So you just trust that he won't kill you?"

"I don't see how he can."

Lisbon honestly wondered if this man was brain dead. She could think of ten different ways off the top of her head that Volker could use to try and kill him, the most obvious being like Amanda and try to make it look like a suicide.

"Now, Agent Lisbon," Marcowitz told her, "I do appreciate your concern but I have to ask you to leave."

She stared at him for a minute, hating that she was being dismissed like this especially when he didn't seem to realize the danger he was in. Cho and Jane followed her out the door with Lisbon not doing much to hide her anger. "The man is not just arrogant," Jane stated as they got into the elevator, "but a fool as well."

"Isn't that a bit of the pot calling the kettle black?" Lisbon asked, unable to resist that dig.

Jane actually smiled now. "I may be arrogant but would you really call me foolish?"

"Yes," Cho stated immediately.

His grin widened. "I walked right into that one."

Lisbon was smiling now as she made her way out to the car, exchanging a look with Cho on the way. Like she'd said in the car, it might be petty but whatever form of revenge she could find she would take it.

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The light banter didn't mean they were actually willing to talk to Jane on the ride back to the CBI. Lisbon and Cho remained mostly silent and this time Jane didn't try to cajole them into speaking, he was sure if he wanted to hear anymore about the past five years or not.

Things remained uneventful until they were pulling back into the parking lot and Lisbon's phone rang. "Lisbon?"

"Teresa Lisbon?"

"Yes, this is she."

"I'm Amy from Helping Hands Daycare."

That statement was enough to fill Lisbon with real dread. "What's wrong? Has something happened?"

"Nothing severe but there was a man here who talked to Madison…he said his name was Tommy?"

Now Lisbon felt something close to panic. "What did he do? Is he still there?"

"No, ma'am, once one of our supervisors saw him, he left but we thought it should be brought to your attention because he told Madison that he knew you and…"

"I will be right there," Lisbon stated, shutting off her phone and practically jumping out of the car before it had come to a complete stop.

"What happened?" Cho asked, quickly getting out of the car to follow her.

She turned around, not hiding her fear. "Volker showed up at the daycare!" She didn't elaborate any further but instead raced off in the direction of her own vehicle.

Lisbon could take having threats to herself.

Her family was another matter entirely.

* * *

_ Two months after Red John's death and Lisbon was beginning to feel confident that Jane wasn't going to leave. Their unspoken arrangement was still going on; eventually she'd stopped drowning herself in self-pity of being something of a sex toy and instead resigned herself to that fate. But now…now she was beginning to wonder if maybe it was finally becoming something more. He was staying longer; he'd even held her for a few minutes the previous night._

_ Perhaps she was finally starting to mean something to him. If that was the case then her plan was actually beginning to work._

_ That didn't mean he stopped saying otherwise._

_ He showed up to the CBI again on Wednesday, making Lisbon smile as he stopped into her office. He noticed. "What are you so happy about?"_

_ "What's wrong with being happy?" She asked. Perhaps it was a bit unusual, for the past two months she'd flip-flopped from being desperate to morose and then desperate again._

_ "Nothing," Jane replied, "it suits you."_

_ "It would suit you too," Lisbon replied slyly, "all you have to do is let yourself feel it." He didn't look quite as sure but she took his non-reply as a good sign, at least he hadn't shot that opportunity down. She studied him for a while, trying to size up exactly what he was thinking. "You're still planning to leave."_

_ "Of course."_

_ "But you haven't yet."_

_ He shook his head. "I still don't know why."_

_ "Maybe you should just give up the pretense and admit that you want to stay."_

_ "Oh I've always _wanted_ to stay," Jane clarified, "but I can't."_

_ But Lisbon didn't buy that. "Yes you can, just take what you want."_

_ "It's not that simple."_

_ "Really? Enlighten me." Jane was quiet as he felt backed into a corner then, she knew that it would be impossible for him to play. In this case she'd won this game. Lisbon smirked. "Admit it…you're thinking about staying."_

_ He still didn't say anything so Lisbon savored that victory as well._

_ "I know what you are thinking, Patrick."_

_ "Oh you do?" He asked doubtfully._

_ "Yes, I'll prove it," She looked around the room and her eyes settled on her little used chessboard. Jane had soundly beaten her at every game they'd ever played together, but this time she felt like luck was on her side, or rather that subconsciously Jane did want her to win this war. "I'll play you."_

_ Jane looked towards the chess set and gave her an amused look. "You want to play chess with me? That is somehow going to get me to stay?"_

_ "If I win this game you promise to stay for another week."_

_ "You've never won a game."_

_ "But this time I know what you are thinking," Lisbon reminded him with a smirk, "I'll win."_

_ She saw a flash of his heart-melting grin. "We'll see about that."_

_ They both settled at the board with Jane choosing the black side and her on the white, the same sides they always chose. Perhaps it was symbolic, undoubtedly Jane had noticed that. He gestured for her to go first with a knowing look; he truly did not believe she could win this._

_ But she would. She had to._

_ For a few minutes all they did was move pieces around the board but Lisbon knew her only shot at this was to get Jane talking. "Why can't you stay?"_

_ "Why do you want me to?"_

_ "Your useful," Lisbon replied flippantly._

_ "In bed?" Jane asked, his tone suggestive._

_ Two could play that game. "Yes, and out of it."_

_ He actually looked shocked by her forwardness, looking up from the board to gape at her. Lisbon kept her composure, as if she always admitted one Jane's prowess in bed everyday. "Admit it," she told him with a grin, "you take some pleasure from your late night calls."_

_ "It's sex."_

_ "It's not just sex." She moved another piece, smiling as she made his queen retreat or leave his king vulnerable._

_ "Why do you think that?" Jane asked, studying the board for a moment before moving his rook._

_ Lisbon moved one of her knights, enjoying where this game was heading. "Because it's you and me. It could never be just sex between us, we care about each other too much."_

_ Jane didn't reply but he was looking at her now instead of the board. They played for awhile, but Lisbon had a feeling Jane was merely moving pieces at this point. At the very least his strategy wasn't a quick takeover like his usual style._

_ There were only a few pieces left on the board when Lisbon spoke again. "You are going to stay."_

_ "You can't know that for sure."_

_ "Yes I do."_

_ "Why do you think that?" Jane asked, he didn't believe her. But she knew that he was seeing that she was right._

_ Lisbon smiled at him; the game was already won…both of them. "Because you can't stay away from me."_

_ She moved her rook into position now his king was blocked by her queen and the rook too. There was no escaping this slaughter. "Check mate."_

_ Jane finally looked down at the board; it took him a second to register what had just happened. He couldn't seem to look away, as if not believing that there wasn't some way out of this trap._

_ He was staying, at least for another week but even that was a battle won. For the next week she wouldn't have to worry if he would leave her yet._

_ "I know, Jane, it's frustrating to lose," she told him as she rose from the board, "especially when you can't admit you wanted to."_

_ Lisbon knew he was watching her as she pranced out of her office, which was why she added a little sway to her hips._

_ He was going to stay._

* * *

Jane stared at the chess piece in front of him; he'd placed it on the table while waiting for his tea to finish brewing. The piece he'd stolen all those years ago, right after she'd bested him in their final game of chess. One hundred and forty-six straight wins, all meaningless compared to the sound beating she'd given him one day.

"I was right," his fantasy Lisbon spoke. He could imagine her sitting across from him, a smirk on her face. "You did want to lose."

"I still left."

"But you didn't want to and you still regret it to this day," she reminded him, "why do you think you took that thing in the first place. You wanted a reminder of me, a memento of what almost was and what should have been."

He turned to look at her. "You do realize that means _I_ was right and I was already planning on leaving and knew that I would."

"That's a technicality."

"Now who's playing games?"

Fantasy Lisbon gave him an annoyed look and he couldn't help but smile again. She was quiet again for a bit. "He's going after our kid."

Jane nodded. "I know."

"What are you going to do?"

"What I've been doing, stop him and keep you and…it safe."

She tilted her head. "How do you think you'll avoid seeing it?"

"I will."

"No you won't."

"Yes, I will."

"_No_, you won't."

Jane held up his hands in exasperation. "How the hell could you possibly say that?"

Lisbon gave him a gamine grin. "Because, Patrick. Just like then, you wanted to stay and now you want to see our baby. And this time…I'm in your head, for real, there's no way you can deny it."

He shook his head and stood up from the table, turning his back on her now. He poured himself a cup of tea, letting it brew and doing his best to quiet his raging thoughts. Two days back in Sacramento and Jane was exhausted. It was difficult working with a team that was indifferent and downright pissed off with him, not that he couldn't blame them on that front. It was fine, he wasn't here to make amends really, he was here to protect Lisbon and the child he had never met. Once that was over he would leave again exactly as he did before.

Except he was couldn't work up the same feelings that had forced him to leave five years ago this time around.

It was strange. Wanting to be in a place he wasn't wanted but wanting to want to be somewhere else.

It was enough to drive a man insane.

He took a sip of tea as he turned around from the stove only to stop short.

A little girl blinked up at him with wide innocent eyes, she must be very clever if she could sneak up like that. All he could do was stare at her though.

She was beautiful. Wavy dark brown hair that hung slightly past her shoulders, perfectly trimmed bangs framed her large blue-green eyes. A spattering of freckles dotted her nose set above perfect rosebud lips. She was wearing blue leggings and a pink top with capped sleeves and little white sneakers. She was beautiful.

She was his child.

"Who are you?" she asked inquisitively, her beautiful eyes still staring up at him with wonder.

For a long time he just couldn't stop staring long enough to find his voice. Somehow her words registered in his brain and his mouth worked on its own. "Uh…I'm…Patrick." Finally he managed something of a smile. "What's your name?"

"Madison," she told him softly. Madison continued to blink up at him, tilting her head to get a better look at his face. "Why are you here?"

Why was he here? Why was _she_ here?

Oh that was right, he was here in an attempt to keep this little girl and her mother safe.

"I…I'm working with your mommy," Jane explained gently

"But Mommy works with Uncle Cho and Uncle Wayne and Aunt Grace."

"Well…I used to work with your Mommy and your aunts and uncles…before you were born."

Her eyes lit up. "Wayne said the crazy man was here then."

The crazy man? That was a rather apt description.

Jane smiled for real this time and nodded. "Yes, that's me. I'm the crazy man."

Madison grinned, showing off tiny white baby teeth. "Really? I like to hear about the crazy man! He's funny!"

He laughed lightly, enjoying the way she smiled, feeling a long moment of peace. His daughter with Lisbon was breathtaking. "You're beautiful," he told her softly.

For a second…that was the only thing he cared about.

Then he heard another voice.

"Maddy you aren't supposed to do that! Mommy said we have to stay together!" An identical little girl in an identical outfit ran through the door to tug on Madison's hand. Her eyes widened at Jane while all he could do was stand there in stunned shock.

The new child turned her head to Madison. "You aren't supposed to talk to strangers."

"He's Patrick, Morgan," Madison explained.

Jane gaped at both of them, looking from one identical pair of eyes and the other. "You…you're…_twins_."

The one named Morgan grinned. "Yep, and we're sisters too!"

He couldn't help but smile at that statement. "Those are mutually exclusive."

"What's that mean?" Madison asked.

Jane ignored that question, falling back into shock as he stared at them. "Twins," he muttered, "Twins…she had _identical_ twins. Twins!"

Morgan stared back at him and then leaned over to whisper to her sister. "Why does he keep saying that?"

"I don't know," Madison replied, "he's the crazy man."

"He's the crazy man? I like the crazy man!"

Jane finally stopped repeating the word 'twins' and faced his daughters. His _daughters_. They stared back, identical expressions of curiosity and confusion on their identical faces. But he didn't know what to say.

He hadn't realized he'd left two babies behind.

"Morgan! Madison!" Grace called running into the break room, "You know you aren't supposed to— Oh!"

Jane looked up at Grace and she gaped at him for a moment, obviously he wasn't supposed to know about the twins being here.

"Grace, it's the crazy man!" Madison exclaimed, tugging on Grace's hand.

"I know," Grace replied, looking down at the little girls. "But we need to leave the crazy man alone right now." She smiled at Lisbon's kids. "Come on, I'll take you to Mommy's office, you can color there."

"Bye bye crazy man!" Madison said waving her little hand.

Her sister repeated the motion. "Bye bye!"

Jane couldn't say anything or wave good-bye, just watched as Grace corralled them out of the break room. Somehow he stumbled out to watch as they raced down the hall into their mother's office. Perhaps he should have checked out her office sooner…she must have pictures of both of them there.

Twins.

Jane turned to see that Cho was staring at him from his desk; there was no doubt in his mind that the other man knew what Jane had just witnessed. "You didn't tell me she had twins."

"You didn't ask," Cho replied calmly.

Of course he hadn't asked. The thought that she'd had two children had never even occurred to him.

"How did she do this?" Jane wondered.

"Because she wanted to."

Jane gave him a look. "I didn't ask _why,_ I asked _how_?"

Cho was quiet for a minute, realizing that Jane was startled by the idea of a single working mother raising _two_ babies. "She had help."

He nodded, that answer was obvious. "I…I just want to know."

"Why?" Cho asked, his voice growing cold. "It's not like you are raising them."

That hurt, it did. It was the truth though. He was 'the crazy man' not their father and that had been his choice.

"Cho," Jane began softly, tears welling up in his eyes that he tried to will away. "I…I don't know what to do."

Cho gave him a hard look before picking up his coffee mug. "Figure it out." Then he took his empty mug and left the room so that Jane was alone once again.

He stared the in the direction of Lisbon's office where the twin daughters he'd abandoned waited. He should flee. But he wanted to see them. But he didn't want to want that.

What could he do?

What could he do?

What could he do?

* * *

The panic Lisbon felt when the daycare center called to tell her about Volker's latest stint was indescribable. Madison and Morgan had been thrilled though as it meant a stay at the CBI where they were going to be spoiled by the rest of the team. Lisbon didn't stick around long to watch the merriment though, or figure out where Jane was. She dropped her daughters off with Grace before heading over to the most pretentious French restaurant in the city, where Volker was frequenting quite often now.

Sure enough, in the private dining room, he sat at the table surrounded by his legal team. That didn't stop him from flashing her a cool smile. "Agent Lisbon, please join us."

The man really had no shame.

Lisbon remained tense and firm, glaring daggers at Volker while his lawyers tried to figure out what was going on. "You son of a bitch!"

"Now see here," One of the dumb lawyers said, rising to his feet. "My client has done nothing to deserve this assault."

"If I were assaulting him he'd be in real pain," Lisbon replied icily. She kept her gaze on Volker. "You stay away from my children."

Volker simply smiled. "Teresa…I have no idea what you are talking about."

"You were at the day care, you talked to my _daughter_."

"I assure you I wasn't."

"She spoke to you, she recognized you," Lisbon hissed, "You honestly think I'll let you get away with this?"

"What proof do you have?" Volker asked, his eyes narrowing as he gave her a dark look, "the testimony of a four year old girl." He made an tsking sound, "I'd hate to see how that would hold up in court."

"She said the man's name was Tommy," Lisbon reminded him, "and that he knew me."

"Like a lot of strange men say when trying to take a child," Volker pointed out, "you were very lucky this time, nothing happened to your little girls. I'd hate to see what would happen if it occurred again…"

She felt a cramping in her gut at those words, followed by a rush of rage. "You're threatening my kids?"

"I'm merely making an observation."

Lisbon took a step forward to look in square in the eye. "You go anywhere near my daughters again, I swear I will bury you myself."

Volker didn't look afraid though, no, he looked smug. "You are even more attractive when you are angry."

That same dirty feeling crept over her skin once he said that. It also fueled her own resolve. "I will end this," Lisbon replied, "the same way I did before."

"Be careful, Teresa," Volker warned her, "A lot of misfortunate things can happen."

"So now you are threatening me?"

"Merely an observation."

She leveled her gaze with him. "This is going to end with you behind bars again."

But he just gave her a smile. "We'll see." He resumed his seat at the table, giving her another once over that sent a chill through her spine.

Another one of Volker's bobble head lawyers cleared his throat. "Agent Lisbon, I believe it is time you stopped harassing my client."

"I'm conducting an investigation," Lisbon replied.

"Then I am advising my client to remain silent, either charge him or leave."

She nodded. "I'm leaving…but the next time I see your client, it will be with a new set of handcuffs."

Lisbon felt a bit of pride in having the last word as she walked away, but only a little bit. She didn't have the right to actually feel at ease, not now when Volker made it clear he had no problem threatening her girls.

She meant that promise. If he hurt them, she would have no problems burying him in the ground…permanently.

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Lisbon returned to the CBI with mixed feelings. She was afraid for her girls' safety and more determined than ever to get Volker locked up again. But she wasn't sure what was causing the odd fluttering feeling in her stomach as she rode the elevator up to bullpen.

Madison and Morgan were at Grace's desk, practically bouncing up and down while Rigsby did what he could to entertain them by bouncing ping-pong balls into a cup. But that stimulating activity was dismissed as soon as she walked into the room.

"Mommy! Mommy!" They both exclaimed as they raced over to their mother. Lisbon knelt down on the floor and wrapped her arms around them both in a big hug.

"How are my little monkeys?" She asked, grinning at them while they held onto her tightly.

"Good!" Madison practically shouted, "Wayne was showing his ball skills and Cho was making fun of him."

"That sounds about right."

Morgan looked at her mother thoughtfully. "Mommy, why did you bring us here?"

Lisbon sighed a little and rose to her feet, that just meant her little girls clung to her leg. She debated over how honest she should be with them, finally deciding that in this case it was best to fib and keep them from being afraid. "Mommy missed you, she thought it would be nice if you hung out with her here for a few days."

Her girls didn't look convinced by that statement, not in the least. They were far too intuitive for their age…for anyone's age actually. "Is this about the man I talked to?" Madison asked.

She was committed to this lie though. "No, sweetie," Lisbon did meet her daughter's eye, "but you know that was a bad thing talking to him, you aren't supposed to talk to strangers."

"He said he knew you."

"Strangers lie," she replied calmly, "so don't talk to anyone you do not know, _ever_. You understand?" They both nodded their heads and Lisbon smiled before pulling them both in for a hug. "Oh I'm so happy you're here," she murmured, kissing one head and then the other.

It was Madison who noticed him first.

"Mommy, the crazy man is back!"

Lisbon turned around to where her daughter was pointing to see Jane in the doorway of the bullpen…staring at all three of them. Her stomach flipped over and did a roller coaster dive; now she knew why she was so nervous. She'd known that there was no way Jane would be able to avoid seeing the girls, not this way.

But Jane didn't look upset, at least not with her or the girls. If anything he looked like he was still trying to process all of this. She heaved a small sigh, knowing that a conversation was in order; he deserved at least that much.

"Babies, go play with Grace. Mommy is going to talk to Mr. Jane for a minute, okay?"

"Why do you want to talk to the crazy man, Mommy?" Morgan questioned, her eyes blinking up at her mother.

Lisbon smiled at her daughter. "Mommy just needs to say a few things to him in private, that's all." She nudged her in the direction of the red head. "Go play."

They each gave their mother one last look before scampering over to Grace's desk where the woman was already preparing with paper and pencils. Lisbon smiled at the image for a minute before turning her attention back to Jane. He was still standing in the same place as before, he hadn't moved an inch.

"My office," Lisbon told him, leading the way to the room in question.

She closed the door behind him so that it was private but Jane was too busy looking around her office to even glance at her. It was different, obviously. Pictures of Madison and Morgan littered the room with the white couch being replaced with a small play area that included a small plastic table, two chairs and several scribbled drawings on top. It was the office belonging to a mom, not the Lisbon he knew years ago.

Finally Jane met her eyes and she saw a lot of shock there…and awe and guilt.

"Twins," he stated, as if he still couldn't believe it.

She simply nodded. "Twins."

"I can't stop thinking about that word," he admitted, "_twins_." Lisbon just crossed her arms over her chest but didn't say anything, letting him think it through. "You aren't making fun of me."

"No, I was in that same situation," she explained, "when I saw two identical gray blobs on a sonogram and realized that it wasn't my mind playing tricks on me."

He actually smiled a little; maybe he could imagine that moment well. "It must have been shocking."

"It was terrifying," Lisbon corrected him, "I was still trying to figure out how to have one baby by myself, suddenly I had two."

His gaze darkened at that remark and the slowly shook his head. "How did you do it?"

"You mean how did I raise two babies without a father?" Lisbon said icily, "My family and the team helped me out."

"Grace moved in," Jane stated.

"Yes, not long after I found out I was having twins, she helped me out a lot when they were babies and I was at my wits end. You know how you don't sleep for a year after one baby is born? I had two…I didn't start sleeping through the night…actually I _still_ don't."

"Are you trying to tell me what I lost?" Jane asked, "or are you just trying to vent?"

She groaned at that comment. "You know what? It doesn't matter, I love my daughters and I'm not going to complain about it, especially when you are still planning to leave, right?"

Jane nodded. "Right."

Lisbon didn't know why but that one word hurt quite a bit. She hadn't expected him to stay, hadn't wanted him to, but maybe deep down she'd actually thought that _seeing_ the girls would do something…maybe not change his mind but actually make him hesitated a little.

But she'd been expecting that answer and she was fine with it, it didn't change any of her plans.

"Exactly," she replied calmly, "your work here is done."

"My work?" Jane raised an eyebrow at that characterization.

"Yes, the twins exist, thanks for that. But you don't have to think about them or help out, or even look at them. Frankly, I want you to stay away from them."

"Excuse me?"

She gave him a cold look. "You don't really have any right to go near them, not now. I don't want them getting confused and it will be easier on both of us if you simply stayed away. I could consider it a courtesy if you avoided them entirely."

Jane nodded. "That'll be easy since they are currently staying here."

Lisbon gave him an annoyed look. "I'm warning you, Jane. Don't upset my daughters."

"I'm not the one you need to fear," Jane pointed out, "Volker is the one who threatened them."

"I can handle Volker."

"You couldn't last time and that was before you had two kids to keep track of."

"So you are just going to magically save the day?" Lisbon asked, her words were dripping with sarcasm.

Jane wasn't fazed by it. "I'm going to help you, I'll make sure Volker doesn't hurt you or the girls."

"And then you are going to leave." He didn't say anything, just looked away and numbly nodded his head. "Then do us all a favor and finish this as soon as possible, I don't want you hurting my daughters."

She moved to walk out of the office but Jane stopped her. "Like I hurt you?"

Lisbon turned to meet her eyes. "I did that to myself, but they are innocent here. They haven't made the mistakes I made…they don't deserve to have their hearts broken."

Now she did move to leave so she could go and take care of her daughters…and keep them safe from the men who could hurt them.

What she didn't know was if she was more worried about Volker…or Jane.

* * *

_ Lisbon enjoyed the week without fear of Jane leaving, he didn't even threaten or tell her otherwise but he still came over most nights. He still left, never staying the night but he was taking his time before removing himself from her bed and getting dressed, sometimes he even looked back at her before walking out of the door._

_ This night things were different, she could tell as soon as she answered the door. Jane wasn't on her like white on rice; he was calm and didn't push her for sex, actually just sitting on the couch with her. In the end she was the one who made that first move, kissing him softly for a long time before taking his hand and leading him upstairs._

_ This time it wasn't sex, it was making love. He undressed her slowly like he was unwrapping a present, no amount of prodding would make Jane hurry up. When they finally did get tangled up in the sheets he stayed on top of her, staring into her eyes with a look of pure tenderness. She stared back up into his eyes, reaching up to let her fingers glide through his blonde curls, wondering exactly what he was thinking. Then he leaned down and kissed her, one filled with reverence and feelings._

_ They made love slowly, taking the time to truly feel and explore one another; it was the most tender and passionate night of her life. It was almost worth crying over just how beautiful it was. They both found their release at the same time and Jane didn't move, instead resting on top of her, placing his head over her heart._

_ For a very long time all they did was breathe while she let her fingertips glide over his neck and through his damp hair. He was here, still holding her close. He hadn't left yet._

_ Maybe he never would._

_ Eventually Jane did move off of her but he still didn't leave. Instead wrapping his arm around her and pulling her against him. She rested her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes, loving this moment even if they hadn't said a word._

_ There was one last card she could play, one last move that could end this game with her own victory._

_ "I love you," she whispered but the words were loud in the silence._

_ Jane's only reaction was a slight change in his breathing. She turned over a little bit so she could look into his eyes. "Don't say anything…but you already knew. I'm just finally saying it. I love you."_

_ She didn't know what he was thinking, what emotion was in his eyes. He didn't look angry but maybe a little sad and god help her…happy. He reached up and tangled his fingers in her hair, combing it sweetly. She smiled shyly before leaning into kiss his lips softly and then lying back down on his chest, for the first time falling asleep in his arms._

_ When she woke up in the morning he was gone but Lisbon didn't care about that…much. She knew from the rumpled sheets that Jane had stayed the night, only leaving in the early hours as he was want to do._

_ Lisbon smiled; convinced now that there was no way she was going to lose._

* * *

It was an exciting day at the CBI with her twin daughters running wild; they were still hyped up when they made it home, bursting through the door like two mini tornadoes. She'd bought the house near the end of her pregnancy, recognizing that her apartment was not going to be enough for two babies, Grace had gone house hunting with her already deciding to move in. So they'd settled on a good size home with three bedrooms, the backyard was small but there were three bathrooms, which was to die for.

"No, no TV," Lisbon declared when they raced to the living room, "It's dinnertime."

"What will we eat, Mommy?" Madison wondered.

Lisbon was trying to figure out the same thing. "Something quick," she murmured.

Grace was peeking through the cupboards. "We have spaghetti sauce."

She nodded. "Spaghetti it is then."

"Yay! Both girls shrieked, spaghetti was definitely on their top ten list of favorite meals. Lisbon grinned and both Grace and her did what they could to fix a simple meal while trying to wrangle two four-year-old girls. Eventually the food was on the table and both girls were covered in spaghetti sauce and laughing gaily.

Both women did what they could to clean them up but Lisbon knew it would require more than just napkins. "You'll need a bath before bedtime, she declared while silently dreading it. Her girls were rather rambunctious and when they took a bath usually she did as well.

Lisbon was helping her daughters put their dirty dishes in the dishwasher when the doorbell rang. Grace was the one who answered it but Lisbon heard Jeffrey's voice before Grace led him to the kitchen.

"Hey," she said greeting him, walking over to give him a quick kiss hello. She smiled at her daughters, "Come on, girls. Say hello to Jeffrey."

Madison and Morgan walked over to Jeffrey who knelt down to give them each a hug. "How are the two prettiest girls in the world?"

"We're good," Morgan told him sweetly.

"A little messy," Jeffrey told them with a laugh.

"We had pasghetti for dinner," Madison replied happily.

"I can see that."

Lisbon grinned while her girls giggled a little at his comment. Grace was the one who grabbed Morgan and Madison's hands. "I'll give them a bath upstairs." Lisbon was grateful her friend was giving them a bit of private time. There were important things that had to be said.

There was the patter of little feet as they scampered up the stairs, in a few minutes she was alone with her boyfriend. Jeffrey immediately looked concerned. "What happened today? You sounded upset in your message?"

She'd returned a voicemail of Jeffrey's with one of her own, making it clear that she probably wasn't going to be able to make their date tomorrow night. It was just in Jeffrey's nature to come by and check up on them.

Lisbon shook her head. "Volker showed up at the daycare today, he talked to Madison."

"What?"

"It was a threat," she continued, "he wants me to know that he can get to my children if he wanted to."

"You need to arrest him."

"I'm a cop, remember? I would if I could, but I don't have any real proof that he was there and he didn't actually come out and threaten their lives." She sighed heavily, "There is nothing I can do there."

Jeffrey put both of his hands on her shoulders. "You'll put him away again and the girls will be safe. Everything is going to be okay."

But Lisbon wasn't quite so sure; there was still something else Jeffrey didn't know. She stepped way, putting her hands on the counter and pressing down, as if that could be her anchor in this. Finally she looked into his eyes. "Jane is here."

Lisbon had wanted to do this relationship right since she was convinced that Jeffrey was the father her girls needed. That was why on their fourth date she'd laid all of her cards on the table and given Jeffrey the true account of Patrick Jane and how her daughters had come into existence. He'd accepted what happened, especially after she'd made it clear that she did not believe that Jane would ever have a presence in her daughters' lives.

Now she was proven wrong.

Jeffrey looked stunned by that news, crossing arms and trying to keep his own composure. "The girls' father?"

"The donor," Lisbon corrected. Jane wasn't their father, that title had to be earned.

"What is he doing here? Is he here for the girls?"

"No," Lisbon told him quickly. "After Volker was released Cho took it upon himself to go and get Jane. He was the reason we put Volker away last time and Cho is convinced that we can't do it again without him."

"Is that what you think?"

Lisbon shrugged. "I don't know…maybe." She was quiet, fingering one decorative bowl on her counter. "He saw them today."

Jeffrey looked surprised by that statement as well. "What did he do?"

She shook her head. "Nothing, he didn't tell them who he was. I think he was mostly surprised that I'd had twins."

"Is he going to stay?"

"God no," she told him quickly, "he's here out of a sense of obligation, not because he suddenly wants to be a father to my daughters."

"Does he know about us?"

Lisbon was a little surprised by Jeffrey's question since she wasn't sure their relationship really had anything to do with this. "Yes, he knows, he didn't seem to care."

Jeffrey relaxed a little at that statement, apparently he wasn't above some jealousy. "So how long is he going to be here?"

"I'm not sure, until he gets bored and leaves or until Volker is caught, I guess whichever comes first."

She turned around and grabbed a rag to clean up the counter where there was still some red spaghetti sauce marring the surface. Jeffrey was behind her, still looking at her. She'd thought the subject was dropped but he didn't agree. "How are you with all of this?"

"I'm worried about my children and Volker," Lisbon told him calmly.

"That wasn't what I was asking about."

Lisbon threw the rag down on the counter. "That part of my life with Jane is over, I just want to make sure he doesn't hurt my girls. Once he's gone, everything will go back to normal."

"And that is what you want?"

She nodded. "Yes it is."

Jeffrey smiled at her words and she tried to do the same thing but it was only halfhearted. She couldn't shake the feeling that maybe she was lying.

* * *

Jane was back in his hotel room, he'd considered putting the TV on but didn't work up the will to grab the remote. He wasn't keen on getting anything to eat or to drive anywhere either. So he lay down and stared up at the ceiling, his thoughts racing with the revelations of the day. He'd been feeling oddly unsettled ever since he'd seen Madison and Morgan, nothing had been able to change that.

"I had twins?!"

He sighed, sitting up to look at the fantasy Lisbon. He imagined her standing at the foot of his bed, arms crossed, foot tapping and the tell tale crinkle between her eyes meaning she was annoyed as hell at him.

"Well there are two of them," Jane replied calmly.

"Twins. I had _twins_!"

"Repeating it doesn't make it any less true."

"Shut up you jackass."

He raised his eyebrows at that statement. "Why is my subconscious insulting me?"

"Because even you know that you messed up big time," she replied, "you didn't just abandon the woman pregnant with your child, you abandoned _two_ children."

Jane closed his eyes against that painful reminder, offering up his only excuse. "I didn't know."

"No shit, you weren't there. Even if you had known…would you have stayed?"

He didn't want to answer that question at all. "You know, I don't need a lecture from an imaginary person."

"No, what you need is a reality check," she told him harshly. "You have two beautiful girls who only know you as 'the crazy man'. Don't you see how sad that is?"

Jane nodded his head. "I know it's horrible…I just can't—."

"Can't what? Love them? Stay for them? These are your kids, Patrick. Stop denying what you are already starting to feel. If you couldn't love them then it wouldn't be killing you right this second that you've missed every single moment of their lives."

"You never used to lecture me this much," he pointed out and pulled a pillow across his face, as if that could stop this whole insane conversation.

But he could still hear his own thoughts, his own imaginations. "I'm lecturing you because you know I'm right, those little girls deserve a father."

He sighed, he couldn't very well deny that, but there was one unsettling fact. "I'm not a suitable father."

"Then get off your ass and be one."

Jane looked up at her. "And if I did who is to say that something won't happen to me, her, or them?"

"Red John is dead, Patrick." Lisbon reminded him earnestly, "You know that, the only person that is keeping you from what you want is your own stupidity."

But he shook his head. "I can't lose my family again?"

She studied him softly, her voice gentle and sad. "You know what is worse? Not having one at all."

Maybe she was right…maybe.

"She won't take me back."

"Why? Because of this other guy?" Lisbon scoffed at him, "You're the father of her children, that puts you ahead of this man and you know it."

"She doesn't trust me, she can barely stand to be in the same room with me." He pointed out. "So how the hell am I supposed to get her to forgive me?"

"You won't know if you don't try." Lisbon suggested sweetly, "Talk to Madison and Morgan, spend some time with your daughters."

That was an appealing idea; he had to admit that he did want to see his daughters again. He wanted to make them laugh, wanted to know what they loved most.

But did he deserve that?

"I don't even know if I'm going to stay."

She dismissed that statement though. "You will."

"You seem confident about that." Jane reminded her with a raised eyebrow. "I left last time."

"You were going to come back, you were already thinking about it." Lisbon told him and then gave him a knowing look. "And this time you have more than one reason to stay...now you have three."

That was the unsettling truth. It had been one thing to leave a grown woman, even a grown woman carrying his child. That baby had been nothing more than words, a thought, something he was unattached to.

Now that baby was replaced by two very real, very beautiful, little girls with their mother's hair and charm.

And his eyes.

His thoughts were interrupted by his cell phone ringing, Jane picked it up to see Cho's number on the caller I.D. "Yes? What's happened, Cho?"

"Marcowitz is dead."

* * *

A/N: Hehehe It was TWINS! Identical twins, this was intentional since I have an identical twin so a lot of Madison and Morgan will be coming from my own life experiance hehehe. And Volker is back witha vengeance, just wait, that ride is just beginning

In the next chapter Lisbon tries to prove that Volker is behind Marcowitz's sudden death and Jane finds himself being drawn to his daughters...and then meets Jeffrey.


	4. Losing Him was Blue Like I'd Never Known

Disclaimer: I own nothing at all

A/N: Whoo I'm glad I finally got this chapter out. I got to see my niece for the first time (she's 2 weeks old!) so I was visiting her which was why I was a little bit longer in updating but this chapter was a bit longer than normal so I think it evens out in the end hehehe. The song for this chapter is one of my favorites so I had to use it eventually. Hope you guys enjoy!

**Anonymous Reviews:**

**Anonymous:** I looked up the song and I LOVE it, I'll have to use it soon

**Anonymous:** Yes Jane is being an idiot but the twins are adorable! LOL you'll see Jane step up, I promise.

**Anonymous:** I'm working on all three fics, I promise! Thanks for the compliment

**Jessica:** LOL yes twins! Based off of me and my sister, so glad you liked it! You'll find out what the girls have been told about Jane eventually, remember they are very young. And you'll see how Jane and Jeffrey interact in this chapter. Yes you will see Jane find out about Lisbon's pregnancy...in THIS chapter hehehe

**Anonymous:** You are right, I do have a tendency to put Lisbon in bad situations so that she is emotionally damaged, I also do like to compare Lisbon and Jane's relationship as a subtle form of abuse. If you watch the TV show it isn't hard to see why, for one Lisbon has suffered abuse and did shut it down for the sake of her family so she does have a history of just "taking it" and second, Jane does in a way abuse her. He takes advantage of her, he lies, he cheats, he steals, he does all of this without a lot of regard for her and time and again she still comes and bails him out. In a lot of ways he doesn't appreciate what she does for him and she sits there and lets him run amok. I like to try and twist that relationship to force Jane to see what he does to Lisbon in the hopes that some of that will be altered, not that I want Jane to stop being a fun arrogant ass that we know and love but I'd like to see him recognize how much he hurts her and stop it.

**Anonymous:** Thanks, I think I'm having way too much fun with fantasy Lisbon LOL

* * *

Chapter 4: Losing Him was Blue Like I'd Never Known

_Loving him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street_

_Faster than the wind, passionate as sin ending so suddenly_

_Loving him is like trying to change your mind once you're already flying through the free fall_

_Like the colors in autumn, so bright just before they lose it all_

_Losing him was blue like I'd never known_

_Missing him was dark grey all alone_

_Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met_

_But loving him was red_

_Loving him was red_

_Touching him was like realizing all you ever wanted was right there in front of you_

_Memorizing him was as easy as knowing all the words to your old favorite song_

_Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there's no right answer_

_Regretting him was like wishing you never found out that love could be that strong_

_Losing him was blue like I'd never known_

_Missing him was dark grey all alone_

_Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met_

_But loving him was red_

_Oh, red_

_Burning red_

_Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes_

_Tell myself it's time now, gotta let go_

_But moving on from him is impossible_

_When I still see it all in my head_

_Burning red_

_Darling it was red_

_Oh, losing him was blue like I'd never known_

_Missing him was dark grey all alone_

_Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met_

_'Cause loving him was red_

_Yeah, yeah, red_

_We're burning red_

_And that's why he's spinnin' 'round in my head_

_Comes back to me, burning red_

_Yeah, yeah_

_Loving him was like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street_

_Red ~ Taylor Swift_

* * *

The home of Gregory Marcowitz was like its owner, grandiose, fitting for his persona or rather for the persona he used to have. Now the driveway and street was lined with police cars and an ambulance but no one was hurrying anymore, there was no point since Marcowitz had been declared dead.

Lisbon was already there when Jane showed up, she was waiting outside of the home staring up at it, waiting for permission to go in no doubt. But it was the focused look of rage, something Jane had only seen rarely whenever she took a case far too personally. Cho and Rigsby were standing by her, he met Cho's eyes as he stepped up but no one said a word. He thought about asking where the girls were but with Grace missing then Jane had a feeling that she was playing dutiful aunt.

Finally one of the officers came over and said a few words to Lisbon, then she ducked under the tape and made her way towards the front door with her team following her.

The inside of the home was even more ostentatious but it was the wife of Marcowitz that was sobbing on the sofa that drew the most attention. They all glanced at the wife, silently deciding to speak to her in a minute before checking out the body in the next room.

Marcowitz was lying on the floor; his shirt open after the paramedics had tried to resuscitate him. A few uniformed police officers were nearby, one of them walked up to Lisbon. "Paramedics say it was a heart attack, don't know why the CBI needs to be involved."

"This man is a witness in an investigation," Lisbon replied, "We have reason to believe this might be a homicide."

"How do you force someone to have a heart attack?"

"An autopsy would tell us."

The officer shrugged. "Well you'll have to talk to the widow then."

Lisbon looked irritated with the officer for his dismissive attitude. Of course at this point no one really saw any evidence that anything other than a heart attack had occurred. She gave him a disappointed look before turning around and marching back towards the widow to get her statement.

Jane stayed behind to poke around the room. He already knew that the widow would only give a tearful explanation of her husband's heart attack. He also knew that this was more than likely murder, it was too coincidental to be anything else.

For on thing, he'd spotted an orange bottle of pills on the table by the drink cart but it wasn't any kind of heart medication, no this was an anti-depressant. Marcowitz was a fairly fit man, no signs of a heart condition, not with the gourmet and fatty foods he had glimpsed in the dining room.

Despite the officer's statement, Jane knew there were ways to force a heart attack. The question in this case was how.

Marcowitz's widow was nearly inconsolable, Lisbon did what she could to be gentle but she also had to prod the woman. In the end she got what she'd wanted, the widow stated firmly that Marcowitz had never had any problems with his heart. He'd been told at his most recent check up that his heart was extremely healthy.

She was certain that this was murder and it didn't take much to convince the widow to have an autopsy be done.

Lisbon heaved a sigh as soon as they made out doors, the sun just beginning to rise. She shook her head and finally turned to look at Jane. "What did you see?"

"A few things," Jane admitted.

"Was it murder?"

"Yes, but you already knew that."

She raised an eyebrow but didn't react more than that. "Do you know how?"

"I have my suspicions," Jane admitted, "but nothing I can share yet."

Lisbon just nodded and sighed again. "Nothing we can do until the autopsy report comes back. Once we know how Marcowitz died we can figure out how Volker did this."

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Everyone was exhausted from the night with little sleep and Jane wasn't an exception, he'd spent most of the night fighting with the imaginary Lisbon in his head instead of sleeping but he was used to insomnia too. Still his plan was to maybe catch a few winks on his couch while waiting for the autopsy results. He was surprised to find his couch occupied already.

Madison and Morgan were curled up on the couch; Madison was sleeping right up against the armrest while Morgan was using her sister's back as a pillow. Jane stopped and stared at the beautiful image, his daughters sleeping sounds on his couch with a little pink blanket draped over them.

"Told you it wasn't yours anymore," Cho stated on his way to his desk. Jane hadn't even heard the other man come up behind him. He watched him sit down, not even looking at Jane, just pointing out a casual truth.

Grace was watching Jane; she turned her head back to her desk and then thought better of it. Grabbing her coffee cup, she stood up from her desk and marched to the break room, dismissing him entirely.

Jane looked back at his sleeping children, unable to keep himself from stepping closer to get a better look. He knelt down next to the couch, hearing their deep even breathing in their sleep. The blanket had slipped down off of Morgan so he reached up and pulled it back on top of her. That was when she snapped open her eyes.

"What are you doing?" she asked softly, her voice low and husky with sleep.

"Shhh," Jane whispered putting one finger to his lips, "Go back to sleep."

But Morgan was insistent. "What are you doing?"

He smiled into her eyes, gently touching her hair and it was as soft as silk. "You're sleeping on my couch."

"It's not yours," Morgan replied insistently.

"It was mine."

"But you left it," she told him, "so it's not yours anymore."

Jane thought about teasing her but he was caught off guard by another thought. It wasn't bad logic and it could be used for other things. He'd left Lisbon, he'd left these girls behind and they could be claimed by other people.

They might not be his anymore.

He looked back at Morgan who was still blinking up at him with her sleepy-eyed gaze. "Just go back to sleep," he told her, gently pushing her back down.

Morgan closed her eyes while he sweetly stroked her head in a soft soothing manner. It worked, she began to breathe deeply and Jane knew she was asleep again. He reluctantly stood up, staring at both of his daughters for a long while before finally walking away.

Grace was still in the break room, stirring a cup of coffee when he walked in. She glanced up but looked back down at her beverage, she wasn't in the mood to talk.

But he was.

"Who is Jeffrey?"

She glanced back up at him, obviously startled by the question. "Lisbon told you about him?"

"In a manner of speaking."

Grace gave him an annoyed look but she obviously knew that it hadn't been a willing confession on her friend's part. "He's Lisbon's boyfriend."

"And?"

"And that's all you need to know."

Jane smiled, trying to set her at ease. "Come on, Grace. You don't really believe that is enough." She pursed her lips together, making it clear she disagreed with him. He sighed, letting a little sadness creep in. "What about the girls? What do they think of him?"

Grace looked a little uncomfortable but she wasn't impenetrable to his questioning, not by any means. "They like him, he's very good with them and they…they need a father figure."

He tried to hide the pain that statement gave him, it was mostly guilt at the moment though…and a bit of regret. "You've been with them though."

"I'm not a father," Grace reminded him, "and I can't stay with them forever."

"But is he a good father figure to them?"

"Why do you care?" Grace actually asked, "You weren't here, you aren't going to stay, what does it matter to you?"

"I…I don't know," Jane admitted.

She shook her head, finding that answer pitifully inadequate. "Jeffrey is a good man, Lisbon wouldn't choose someone who wouldn't be a good fit for her girls."

He noticed the way she phrased it, 'her' girls, not his.

Jane wasn't sure why that bothered him. True, technically it was false; he'd been as much of a part of creating those twins as Lisbon. But symbolically it was more than accurate, he barely knew his daughters, they didn't even know him as their father. Just as the couch, can he really claim them as his if he'd abandoned them?

Grace wasn't done with him yet. She shook her head in disgust. "I don't get you. You're the only person I've ever known who turned down a second chance."

He raised an eyebrow. "That's assuming Lisbon was my second chance."

"What else do you call a woman who loves you despite being a pain in the ass? A woman who is pregnant with your _children_? You could have had a family again but you walked away."

Jane met her eyes. "That's the point. Did I really deserve a second chance?"

"Well you don't know," Grace muttered, "but does it matter? You had it and you turned it down."

"And now Lisbon is with someone she should be with," Jane finished. He noticed that Grace tensed up then and Jane couldn't help but question. "She's not?"

"Jeffrey is a good man," Grace repeated.

"But you don't want her with him," Jane stated, staring in her eyes.

Grace stared back, looking a little upset now, like a child caught in a lie. It was interesting finding out that Grace didn't want Lisbon with Jeffrey, Jane knew though that it wasn't from any defect on Jeffrey's part. True, he didn't know the man from Adam but he could see that Grace wasn't lying when she talked about him. She truly believed that Jeffrey was a good person.

But she still didn't want Lisbon with him.

Jane was ready to ramp up the questioning and get to the bottom of it. Unfortunately the woman in question came in. "Autopsy report came back on Marcowitz," Lisbon told Jane primly, though she was only looking at Grace.

"What did it say?" Grace asked

"The medical examiner found phenelzine in his stomach, those are strong anti-depressants, along with a mixture of vodka and cranberry juice."

"So?"

"Phenelzine has a strong reaction to fermented products…like vodka, it can cause hypertension and heart attacks. Marcowitz must have known this."

Jane nodded. "Someone slipped him the vodka to cause him to have a heart attack."

"But that is impossible to prove," Lisbon pointed out, "any lawyer would argue that he could have easily reached for the wrong beverage. Volker paid someone off at the party to kill him but he's going to get away with it. We have nothing."

And it was just like it was five years ago all over again.

* * *

_ It was nearly three months after Red John's death and Lisbon wasn't sure about anything anymore. With Jane she expelled confidence that he was going to stay and mostly she believed that, she believed it every time he held her in his arms after making love to her. She saw something there, a longing and a desire that she knew was something…something she hoped was enough._

_ But he never said he loved her._

_ There was small part of her that couldn't forget that. True, Jane talked about leaving less and less but he didn't say he was staying either. He simply came in and out of the CBI, her home and her bed. He was still doing his job, that used to be enough for her but she wanted more from him. She needed more now._

_ Perhaps they would have stayed in this limbo of not knowing what he would do or say next, of just accepting what little he could give and was willing to take. But working on one of Jane's schemes on a case had gone wrong, the suspect had fought back and she'd gotten a little banged up. Mostly she just had a really bad headache after hitting her head on the sidewalk but she was sure she was fine._

_ Lisbon had rushed to the restroom though not longer after showing up at the CBI, she'd been feeling nauseous for a while and hadn't been able to keep it in much longer. It wasn't fun throwing up in the ladies room, she hated the taste and the gagging. Finally she shuddered and felt like she had some control over her stomach, she stood up and stepped out of the stall to rinse her mouth out._

_ She was by the sink splashing water in her face when she saw Jane walk in. She stared at his reflection in the mirror and she saw that he looked absolutely devastated. "This is the ladies room," she reminded him, trying to be funny._

_ But Jane didn't take the bait; he still looked sad and grave. He walked towards her, only stopping when he was right in front of her. He reached up and lightly traced on small cut, she winced a little at the sting. "I'm sorry," Jane whispered, "I shouldn't have let this happen."_

_ "It's not your fault," Lisbon replied, "You can't control everything."_

_ "I should have controlled this."_

_ That was when she wondered if he was talking about the suspect attacking her or rather their bizarre relationship._

_ She looked into his eyes. "I don't regret it, any of it."_

_ Jane must have known what she meant, of course that only seemed to make him sadder. He continued to stare into her eyes; his touch was soothing and gentle on her temple. "You should go to the hospital."_

_ "I'm fine."_

_ "You could have a concussion."_

_ "I don't have a concussion," she told him honestly._

_ "You were dizzy and throwing up," Jane reminded her._

_ "I was dizzy and feeling nauseous before I hit my head," Lisbon explained, "It's probably just a bug or something."_

_ She thought maybe that information would make Jane feel better, at least maybe a little less guilty. But it didn't, nothing seemed to ease the ache that was there. "You should get some rest," Jane told her, his voice soft and almost void of emotion. Then he leaned forward and pressed a very gentle kiss to her forehead._

_ "Jane…" her voice trailed off, unable to continue though. For some reason Lisbon felt the urge to cry._

_ "I'll see you later," Jane said before quietly turning around and walking away._

_ Lisbon was left there alone and slightly stunned. Jane had never been one for displays of affection, even small ones like that, not now and not with her._

_ She couldn't help but wonder if Jane was really starting to come around._

_ Or maybe he was just trying to say goodbye._

* * *

Madison and Morgan were two handfuls, two delightful handfuls but still handfuls. It was hell trying to keep them under control while also working on pinning Volker to Marcowitz's death. Still nothing Lisbon did would convince the coroner to write Marcowitz's death as anything other than an accident.

She heaved a sigh and put the phone down, for a second she let herself feel that frustration. Then she looked up to see Madison and Morgan looking up at her from their little plastic coloring table. They seemed a little sad and anxious; they didn't like it when their mother was upset. Just like when she was pregnant, they used to kick so hard when she was stressed, they were far too intuitive for their own good. Just like their father.

Lisbon stood up and walked over to them. "Hey, monkeys. How's it going?"

"Good," Madison declared quickly.

"Why are you so upset, Mommy?" Morgan asked.

She thought about how to explain this to her little girls, they were so young and she definitely didn't want them to be afraid. "Mommy is just tired, there's a bad man out there that Mommy has to catch and it is getting difficult."

"You'll do it, Mommy," Morgan declared.

Lisbon grinned and hugged her tight. "Yes I will." She hugged Morgan and then Madison before leaning over the table. "All right, what are we working on here?"

"It's a picture," Madison told her.

All Lisbon could see were some scribbles and something that looked vaguely like a person. "Who is this? A man?"

"Yep," Madison said proudly.

She smiled now softly. "Is it Jeffrey?"

"No."

A bit of fear sank into Lisbon's stomach; she hoped to God her daughter wasn't drawing Volker. She didn't want that man to be involved in any way with her daughter, especially not in her fears. "Then who is it?"

"It's the crazy man!"

The crazy man? "Jane?" Lisbon asked, unable to truly understand this, "You're drawing a picture of Jane?" Madison nodded her head dutifully. "Why?"

"He's a sad man. Grace said a picture makes someone feel better so we want to make him happy."

Lisbon stared at her daughters, more than a little stunned that they recognized that Jane was sad. She wasn't surprised that they wanted to cheer him up though, that was just in their nature. They took after her there, unable to keep themselves from trying help someone in pain. Of course that instinct was what nearly destroyed her in the end.

"Will he like it, Mommy?"

She was forced out of her thoughts and looked down at her sweet inquisitive child. The drawing was just a bunch of purple and blue scribbles but she could see that she had drawn a childish version of Jane, complete with little yellow swirls depicting his blond hair.

Honesty was best here.

"He'll love it," Lisbon said with certainty. "I'm sure it will make him happy."

"Good."

Lisbon stood up, feeling a little anxious. Her daughters had seen Jane for all of two minutes and yet they were already attached to him. Maybe it had been a mistake to let the team tell stories about "the crazy man" but she'd found it impossible to separate Jane from her past. How was she supposed to avoid telling them about Jane when they saw the old photographs and wondered who the man standing next to her was?

But they didn't know he was their father, that was the most important thing. All she could do was keep them from finding that out, then they wouldn't be broken with the knowledge that they hadn't been enough to keep him.

That was her failure though, not theirs.

She was still ruminating on that when a knock on her door startled her. Lisbon turned to see Jeffrey holding two happy meals and grinning at her. "Hey!" Lisbon said stepping over to give him a quick kiss. "What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to surprise my three favorite girls."

She smiled, this is what she needed, someone who was devoted to her daughters. "And the happy meals?"

"Well I figured they'd get tired of eating whatever you could find here."

Lisbon laughed and turned to her daughters. "Come on, say hi to Jeffrey!"

The little girls jumped up to hug him and Jeffrey smile. "I know you both just want the happy meals."

"Did you get chicken nuggets?" Morgan asked, her eyes lighting up.

"Of course."

"Yay!"

Lisbon smiled sweetly at Jeffrey. "Thanks," she told him before handing the girls their little cardboard boxes that contained their food. Of course the first thing they did was tear open the boxes for the toy, little plastic figurines from _My Little Pony_.

She watched her daughters start to eat while playing with their new toys for a minute before looking back at her boyfriend. "Thank you, thank you for thinking about them."

Jeffrey just shrugged. "How can anyone not love them?"

She shook her head. "I don't know."

He gave her a serious look and leaned in closer. "Is _he_ still here?"

Lisbon glanced at her girls who were busy eating their chicken nuggets and fries, but she didn't want to risk it. Instead she ushered Jeffrey out of her office and into the hallway so her daughters didn't hear. "Yeah, he's still here," Lisbon admitted, "but he hasn't asked me anything else about them. We actually haven't said much to each other at all."

"Are you sure that he isn't staying for them?"

"What do you mean?" Lisbon wondered, not sure if she liked where Jeffrey was going with this.

"He's their...father. I find it hard to believe that a part of him doesn't care."

She rolled her eyes. "If that were true then he wouldn't have walked out the door after I told him I was pregnant." But Jeffrey didn't look convinced and Lisbon studied him for a while. "What is this about? You never really asked about him before."

"He wasn't here before."

"No," Lisbon agreed, "But this doesn't change anything."

"Of course it does! He wasn't in your life and now he is, it changes everything."

"No, it doesn't, he'll leave again and that'll be the end of it." Lisbon reminded him.

"Are you positive he will leave again, especially after meeting them?"

"I...I don't know what Jane will do. I never have..." She shook her head slowly, dismissing that doubt. "He'll leave, why would he stay this time?"

"If I were him I would stay for the sole reason of being with them."

"But you aren't Jane." Lisbon reminded him, "He had his chance. He had his chance and he walked away. He can't take that back. He won't."

"Sounds like you aren't too sure of your answer."

Lisbon sighed. "Like I said, I'm not sure of anything with Jane."

"And what about you? Are you sure how you feel about this?"

She stared at him for a long time as she tried to come up with an answer to that question but she was coming up empty. Thankfully she heard Morgan shout out. "Mommy!" and Lisbon had a break.

"I have to go back in there," Lisbon told him quickly, "I'm sorry. I'll call you later all right?"

Jeffrey nodded. "All right."

She stood up on her tiptoes to kiss him again. "Thanks for stopping by." Lisbon knew he didn't look satisfied with this but she didn't have a choice. She wasn't going to answer a question with the truth.

She didn't know how she felt…and was afraid to find out.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Jane was in the break room staring at his lukewarm cup of tea as if the brew might hold the answers he was seeking. The problem was he didn't really know what he wanted at the moment. Yes he wanted Volker to be put away and no he didn't have any idea of how to stop him right now. But a part of him wasn't sure how soon he wanted this to end…because…because he was finding it difficult to imagine himself leaving. A part of him desperately wanted to see the girls again while another part wanted to leave and protect his daughters from his darkness forever.

It was disconcerting, not knowing what to do. Five years ago he'd known exactly what to do, even when Lisbon tearfully told him she was carrying his child, he'd known the best thing then was to leave.

And now…now he doubted that wisdom completely.

"Hello."

Jane was a bit startled by the new voice. He turned around to see a man he didn't recognize. He was close to his age with brown hair and grey eyes, a visitor badge was pinned to his shirt but he looked quite comfortable here. "I'm Jeffrey Rose, I'm Teresa's boyfriend."

Ah, he should have known that this was Lisbon's significant other. It all made sense from the visitor's badge to the way he seemed to know his way around the place, obviously he'd been here many times before.

Jane smiled a little. "I suppose I could introduce myself but I think you already know who I am."

Jeffrey nodded. "Teresa told me everything."

"I doubt that." The man looked a bit startled by that statement and suspicious. Jane couldn't help but smile again. "We worked together for almost ten years, I'm certain there is something she missed."

He relaxed now, a little, believing that what Jane said was something of a joke. "She was honest, not long after we first met she explained what happened between you two." He met Jane's eyes. "I'm not trying to pass judgment."

"But you already have," Jane cut in. "It's all right, I deserve what ever disgust comes with a man who walks away from his children."

Obviously he hadn't been expecting honesty like that. "I get it, I just wanted…actually I don't know what I want."

"Well obviously you wanted to meet me," Jane pointed out.

"Yeah," Jeffrey agreed. "I guess I wanted to see where Madison and Morgan came from, put a face to that name."

"And so you have."

Bu Jeffrey didn't look satisfied with just meeting him and Jane wasn't surprised by that. Jealousy was something that came easily; it couldn't be easy being the third wheel in the midst of this mess. Like it or not…_he_ was the real father to those little girls.

"What are you doing here?" Jeffrey finally asked, "What are your plans?"

"I plan to stop Volker."

"And?"

"And make sure he can't threaten Lisbon again."

Jeffrey stared at him as if he wasn't getting his true question. "What about the girls? And Teresa? What do you have planned there?"

Jane was quiet, choosing not to answer the question he absolutely hated. It was impossible; he honestly had no idea what he was going to do. Logically it would be best to leave, he'd already missed so much and he still wasn't what they deserved. He just wished that the logical side of his brain would temper down the emotional side that wanted to be selfish and try to do something that could devastate Lisbon and the two girls who deserved so much better than this.

What was interesting was Jeffrey's need to ask that question.

"Why do you want to know?" Jane asked, carefully studying the man in front of him.

"Look, I love Teresa's girls," Jeffrey admitted, "and they deserve to have a father in their lives."

"And you're volunteering," Jane finished, "so you want to makes sure that I'm not going to get in the way of that. Because after all…they aren't _really_ yours."

Jeffrey was uncomfortable and did not like where this conversation was heading. "Teresa told me you like to read people so I understand this. I'm a complete stranger and you want to know who is in their lives."

"That's true," Jane said, "But I already know you are the kind of person they should need. One look at you and it is rather obvious." He kept his gaze methodical as he watched Jeffrey. "You're divorced. Your wife was the high-powered type, probably a lawyer or something similar. You wanted kids and she didn't, eventually that gap became insurmountable so you separated. She moved on with her older boss who already had kids so she doesn't have to face the same choice again and you…you found Lisbon. It was perfect, you were a man that wanted a family and this was a family that needed a father. You fit right in and now you are afraid because despite everything that you want and have done…you know that they are mine."

Now Jeffrey looked a little angry, he didn't like it when the truth was placed in front of him. He had doubts about Lisbon, doubts that this family he wanted was really going to happen.

"That's what you are worried about right?" Jane asked, "That I'll come back and take what you want…what was originally mine."

"I know Teresa wouldn't let that happen."

"If you knew that for sure then you wouldn't be here," Jane pointed out, "you wouldn't be asking me what I planned to do."

Jeffrey looked at him with a hard gaze. "Why would I be afraid? After what you did to her, what makes you think she would ever trust you again?"

Jane couldn't say a word and Jeffrey walked out with a smug satisfied look on his face. One Jane wanted to wipe away but couldn't. Not when the truth was thrown back into his face. Now he was alone again, alone and feeling like a failure…and a jackass, but mostly a failure.

"Well he won that round."

He groaned and shook his head, ignoring the imaginary Lisbon. "Shut up."

"I know, it sucks when someone tells you the truth and you can't refute it because it _is_ the truth."

"Why won't you just leave me alone?" Jane asked.

"Because I'm your subconscious reminding you what a complete idiot you have been."

Jane shook his head and sighed. "You never miss an opportunity, that's for sure."

The Lisbon in his head was silent for a little while. He wondered if he'd banished her again but nope, obviously he still wanted to argue with her. "I know, I can't really believe I'm with this guy either."

The fake Lisbon stared at the spot where Jeffrey had been standing, tilting her head as if in thought. "I mean he's obviously not a bad guy, chivalrous and stable, the exact _opposite_ of you but he's so…boring."

Jane let out a little chuckle at that and nodded. "Yes."

"No, I mean he is really _boring_," she pointed out, "and you always know that secretly I crave excitement. It's true, I'll deny it but we all know that part of the reason why I walked away from my fiancé was because I didn't want to be stuck with a man that I was bored with."

"You aren't nineteen anymore," Jane pointed out, "and you have two little girls. Boring is a safer choice than someone who excites you."

"Happiness is the best choice," she replied, "Do you really think that I'll be happy with Jeffrey?"

"Why not? He's nice, stable, supportive and he obviously cares about you…" Jane's voice trailed off when he saw the doubtful look on her face. "Yes, I know, you'll be bored, you probably already are bored but that's not the point." He pointed at the figment. "You are not real, you are not _her_ and she has made this choice. She wants Jeffrey. He'll be better for them then me."

"Are you sure about that?"

Jane was stunned into silence again while his own subconscious smiled with the smug smirk of victory. She was right, or rather his subconscious was right, he wasn't sure. He wasn't sure if Jeffrey was better for Lisbon and her girls or not, he had no idea. He knew he didn't like it, he knew that he hated the finality of losing them to someone forever.

But that didn't mean he was right.

"Of course this all might be moot," Lisbon reminded him. "Jeffrey was right too, you hurt me more than any weapon or words could inflict. It would take a very strong person to forgive something like that. Am I strong enough?"

That was a damn good question.

* * *

_For once the last thing Lisbon wanted was for Jane to knock on her door. She wanted a night to herself where she could maybe find some way out of the sea that she was currently drowning in. But the knock came and Lisbon had to summon her strength to answer it and hoped Jane wouldn't see that she'd been crying._

_ Jane looked tired and disheveled and wet from the rain when she opened the door, nothing unusual there. She just sighed and shook her head. "I can't do this tonight. Tomorrow, maybe but not tonight."_

_ "I'm not here for that," Jane told her._

_ Lisbon was actually stunned. "Then why else would you be here?" Lisbon asked after the shock wore off._

_ He was quiet for a moment, his face sober, almost reverent. "I'm here to say goodbye."_

_ She sighed heavily and rested her forehead against the doorframe. "Jane, I really can't play this game right now."_

_ "This isn't a game." He told her and his tone had a hard cold edge that had always been missing before. "I'm not coming back this time. I just wanted to tell you goodbye."_

_ Now Lisbon felt a small bit of fear, but no, Jane was just talking again. "Jane, it is late and you don't know what you are saying."_

_ But Jane shook his head. "This is for real. My bags are packed, I'm leaving this time…and I'm not coming back."_

_ Lisbon gaped at him in horror as her stomach twisted into a knot. She shook her head slowly. "No, Jane…no you can't leave. Not now."_

_ "I can't stay, Lisbon."_

_ "Yes you do…you have to."_

_ "There's nothing here for me to—."_

_ "I'm pregnant."_

_ She watched as those two words registered on Jane's face. He went from cold determination to stunned disbelief. It took a long time for the shock to wear off but when it did he was still looking scared. "Don't… don't do this, Lisbon. Don't try something like this."_

_ "I'm not lying, Jane," Lisbon told him softly._

_ "Lisbon…"_

_ She took a step back and walked into her living room, daring him to follow. She led him to the coffee table and she picked up the pregnancy test she had been staring at for several hours. Lisbon looked at it once more before holding it up for Jane to see. "I took it a couple of hours ago…then I sat here trying to figure out what to do and how to tell you."_

_ He stared at the test, the little window that declared the truth. Jane was still in shock, that was obvious. She could understand that, she was still wrapping her head around this now. She took a deep breath and then let it out. "I didn't do this on purpose, you know that. We were careful." That was true, they had been careful…except for the first time in Jane's hotel room and then that one angry bout on her living room floor. Either one of those times could have done the deed._

_ "I don't know what you are thinking or…or if this had even crossed your mind," Lisbon continued, "I still can't believe it but…but this is happening right now and maybe…maybe if you can't stay for me you can stay for this baby because…it's yours."_

_ Jane hadn't said a word, she wasn't even sure if he was breathing at this point. He just kept staring straight ahead at the test in front of him. The only sound was the pounding rain and the occasional rumble of thunder._

_ It seemed like eternity when Jane finally met her eyes…and he shook his head. "I can't do this."_

_ Her lips parted and she felt her heart plummet. "What?"_

_ "I'm leaving, Lisbon. I can't stay." He stood up calmly, as if it was just another goodbye._

_ Lisbon leapt to her feet, feeling a rush of panic now. "Jane, stop!" He did stop and look at her…and all she saw was emptiness. "What about the baby? Doesn't that mean anything to you?"_

_ Jane stared at her for a very long time and she could hear her heart pounding out a fast painful rhythm of dread._

_ "It's not enough. I don't care…" He stopped, not able to say the rest of that, she didn't know what he was going to say…and was too afraid to ask. Jane met her eyes again. "It's not enough to make me live again."_

_ She could feel the pain breaking through her, worse than a gunshot, a knife or any other kind of wound. She did what she'd always done, she shut it down, cut it off and sealed up her heart to keep Jane from seeing her fall apart._

_ It was over. She had lost._

_ "Then leave," Lisbon told him. Her voice stronger than she felt. "Leave and if you care even the smallest bit…don't come back."_

_ They stared at each other for the longest minute of her life before Jane simply nodded his head and walked out of the door…and out of her life._

_ Once the door shut Lisbon stumbled blindly back to her couch but before she could reach the furniture her legs gave out and she collapsed to the floor. There was an ache in her chest, in her heart that was killing her. Sobs welled forth out of her of their own accord and she was gasping for air while wailing in despair._

_ This was the pain of failure; of a loss so great…she didn't know if she would survive it._

* * *

Lisbon saw Jane coming out of the men's room and took the opportunity to pounce. There were a lot of reasons she needed to talk to him, she wanted to know what his plans were because not knowing for sure is what got everything screwed up in her life in the first place. But right now she was simmering in barely controlled rage, which might not be unusual except that this wasn't about anything he had done to _her_, at least not at the moment.

She grabbed his arm, not giving the courtesy of a greeting, and dragged him into the nearest empty interview room. "What has brought on the Vulcan death grip?" Jane asked once she released his arm.

"What the hell did you say to Jeffrey?"

He raised his eyebrows and looked quite pleased with himself. "Ah, your boyfriend ran complaining to the principal. I expected more from him."

Lisbon just glared at him in response. "He said you insult him."

"If you want to call the truth an insult," Jane replied smoothly.

"What did you tell him?"

"I merely pointed out that if he was so certain of your feelings then he wouldn't have come to me to try and mark his territory like a dog peeing on a tree."

Sometimes even Lisbon couldn't believe the utter garbage that came out of Jane's mouth. "Did you just compare me to a _tree_?"

Jane at least had the decency to look a little embarrassed. "I supposed I could have used a more eloquent metaphor."

"Shut up," Lisbon hissed, she had no desire to play this game anymore. "You have no right talking to my…to Jeffrey."

"He came to me," Jane told her, "now I could have walked away but he wanted to talk so I indulged him."

"By bringing up his first marriage?"

Jane grinned cheekily. "All right, that might have been a little petty."

She grunted as if agreeing with him but still gave him her death glare. "What is your problem with Jeffrey?"

"I don't have one," Jane told her, "he seems like just the man you would choose for the twins."

"It doesn't really matter what you think of Jeffrey," Lisbon declared, "You don't have any place in our lives anyways."

"Far be it from me to disapprove of the man you selected for your girls," Jane said but she got the distinct impression he wasn't very happy at all. "I'm just worried about you."

Now Lisbon was really confused. "What does this have to do with me?"

"Well you are dating this man, planning a future with him. It must not be easy when you must dread the sight of him."

"I do not 'dread the sight of him'," Lisbon replied, stunned at this turn of events.

"Perhaps but you certainly don't feel a little thrill every time he speaks either."

"How would you know?"

"I know," Jane told her confidently, "you've been talking about him for ten minutes and you haven't shown any of your tells."

"What?" Lisbon honestly had no idea what the hell Jane was talking about. This whole conversation was making her uncomfortable, especially since it was about her sex life.

Jane was looking at her, something dark and mysterious in his gaze. Lisbon swallowed and took a step back as her whole body hummed with an old feeling; she felt something churning down inside and now her heart was hammering in her chest. "Your cheeks don't flush with attraction and excitement whenever you talk about him, your pupils don't dilate whenever you are near him and your heart rate doesn't increase. You aren't attracted to him at all are you?"

All Lisbon could do was gape at him for a moment, not sure whether to be embarrassed or insulted. How dare he accuse her of something like that! True she wasn't as attracted to Jeffrey as she'd been with other men in her past…but that wasn't the point. Jane had no right to bring up something like that!

"I…what? How dare you say something like that?!"

"It's true isn't it?" Jane continued, "you find him completely dull. It must be a trial to even spend time alone with him. Tell me when you are in bed together do you just lie there until he finishes or do you pretend he's someone else so that you might at least be partially satisfied."

Lisbon wasn't even thinking at this point, just reacting to the vulgar words slipping from his lips. She didn't even know what she was doing until she heard the loud crack of her palm meeting his cheek, that was when she realized she'd slapped him.

Jane's felt his now reddened cheek. "I guess that means I hit the nail on the head."

She was ready to hit him this time but Jane was deceptively fast. He had her up against the wall, her wrists shackled by his hands up over her head. For a second she was too stunned to feel anything, too shocked to actually fight him. Then when the instinct to break free kicked in…she remembered another time when they had been like this.

Jane had her in the same hold on her living room floor the night the anger crackled between them. It was impossible for her to forget the rage-fueled sex that followed, one of her most passionate and shameful memories.

Lisbon felt his warm breath stirring her hair and she was compelled to meet his eyes. Here they were, only a few inches apart. The same dark, sexy look in Jane's face that she'd seen that night five years ago. She felt it, that excitement, that thrill, her sex started to throb from just the anticipation and she could feel the moisture seeping into her panties.

Her chest rose and fell with every breath, brushing up against his own. God he was so close.

"How long as it been since you felt this?" Jane asked her, his voice was soft and low, husky with an emotion that sent thrills running through her body again.

It took a lot of strength to find the power to speak. "Passion is overrated," Lisbon replied.

Jane let out a low chuckle, his smile making her heart skitter again. "You never used to think that." He leaned in closer so she could see all of the flecks of blue and green in his eyes. "And I know you don't now."

Lisbon held her breath as she stared up at him, her body screamed to press closer, to stand up on her toes and close the distance between them. When was the last time she'd had a real toe-curling kiss? That would be five years ago, the last time Jane had kissed her.

In about two seconds she would have a different answer to that question, or she might have if the door hadn't opened and Grace hadn't poked her head inside. "Oh…am I interrupting something?"

Lisbon shoved Jane aside quickly. "No, we're finished here."

Jane was smiling coolly at her and she knew he disagreed completely, not just because she'd felt his _excitement_ against her stomach when he'd pressed her up against the wall. Lisbon moved around him to follow Grace outside.

"Why do you do it?" Jane asked, "Why do you stay with someone you don't want?"

Lisbon stopped at the door, closing her eyes against the longing and the throbbing of unsatisfied desire. "Because I can't be selfish, Jane. I'm not you."

She left him alone again, her cheeks still flushed and her blood still singing with the familiar rush of desire. But she wouldn't give in, not again.

But she wanted to.

* * *

It took a long time for Jane to be able to be seen in polite society again, he honestly had no idea what had gotten into him when he'd all but ravished Lisbon in that room. He'd felt the effects of that for a while, it took a while to get his own surging blood under control, especially when he could still smell her own arousal in that room.

Eventually his randy thoughts were tempered down and Jane was able to make his way back to the bullpen without making a spectacle of himself. Cho ignored him, Rigsby having already left early to go pick up his son. Grace eyed him warily, the redhead was still wondering about what had happened, or rather _almost_ happened, in the interview room. Jane wasn't sure whether to be angry or relieved that Grace had barged in…he certainly knew which parts of his body were taking sides in that argument.

He leaned back against the couch with a sigh, ready to maybe relax and stop thinking naughty things about Teresa and start figuring out how to get to Volker. But he couldn't get comfortable on the couch; something was poking him in the back. Jane reached behind him and in between the couch cushions to pull out a small plastic purple and pink pony.

Jane stared at the toy in his hand, noting the cartoonish eyes and the sparkly mane and tail. There was no doubt where the toy had come from and it hurt a little knowing that he was holding something that belonged to his children. This wasn't how it was supposed to be, he shouldn't be here and finding these little treasures, he'd left for a reason, he didn't want to go back on that choice. It was much too late.

He sighed and closed his fingers over his palm, covering the toy, he should go. Lisbon wouldn't mind, he should leave before he got too close. Jane was still thinking about these options when the pattering of little feet caught his attention. He looked up to see Madison and Morgan scampering into the bullpen, Madison was holding a piece of paper in her little hands.

"What do you have there, Madison?" Jane asked, unable to be anything but playful.

The girls giggled. "How did you know me?" Madison asked.

"You didn't think I would?"

They both shook their heads. "No one gets it right," Morgan declared.

Jane couldn't help but smile now. "I would. I'll always get it right." They laughed, clearly not believing him but Jane knew it was the truth. Yes they were identical but there were little things, little subtle differences that he could see between them. He still smiled at them. "You never answered my question, what do you have there?"

They looked at one another as if sharing a secret before finally stepping towards him. "We made this." Madison handed him the piece of paper.

It was a childish drawing of the bullpen, that was obvious with the red walls for the brick and the brown blob was supposed to be his couch. There was a stick figure of a man on it and from the yellow hair, Jane could guess who it was supposed to be.

"You drew a picture of me?"

They giggled again and nodded their heads. "We thought it would make you smile."

Jane was a bit surprised by that, such a mature thought from such little girls. They were wiser than they appeared to be, pure and innocent as well. He couldn't help but stare at them in wonder. "You have your mother's heart," Jane told them honestly. That was true; they took after Lisbon in more than just looks but in spirit as well. They wanted to help him, the man they barely knew, just like Lisbon had done so many years ago.

The two girls simply grinned, at him. They might look like their mother…but that smile came from him.

"Girls?"

Jane looked up to see that Lisbon was now in the doorway of the bullpen, her coat and briefcase in hand. She was staring at Jane and their daughters, not very happy with the fact that they were there and talking to him. "Come on, it's time to go home."

Madison and Morgan rushed over to their mother's side; each taking a hand while Grace came up to follow them. "Bye bye!" Morgan said, waving at him.

He waved back, feeling a tightness in his chest that was almost painful. Oh God he wanted this, he wanted that every single day. The softness that he hadn't felt in fifteen years, not since Charlotte was alive. He'd missed it so much but lived without it for so long…he'd gotten used to the emptiness.

What if…?

"Don't think it."

Jane was a bit surprised, having nearly forgotten that Cho was even in the room. He raised an eyebrow at the man. "Have you taken up mind reading too now?"

Cho wasn't amused. "Don't think things like that."

"What kind of things? If you know what I'm thinking then you wouldn't mind sharing," Jane pointed out.

He leaned back in his seat and stared up at Jane. "Don't think about staying, don't do it."

Now Jane was honestly shocked, not that Cho had managed to read him; he hadn't exactly been hiding his thoughts at the moment. No, he was stunned that Cho was actually telling him not to stay, the man who had dragged him here in the first place. "Excuse me."

"You are thinking about staying and you shouldn't."

"Were you not the one who brought me here?"

"You are here to catch Volker, when you do that you will leave."

Jane studied him for a moment, wondering what was going on here. "Why don't you want me to stay? I'm curious, why would you tell me to go?"

Cho was quiet for a minute but he didn't look away. "If you stay you might hurt them."

"You're so certain?"

"Yes," Cho replied simply, "you aren't certain what you want. You didn't know what you want when you left five years ago and you destroyed Lisbon. That isn't going to happen again, I won't let it."

Jane wasn't sure which part of focus on, the idea that he'd _destroyed_ Lisbon or Cho's protective ultimatum. "Destroyed?"

Cho didn't even blink, just stared back at him. "You don't know what you did to her, you weren't here."

"But you were," Jane pointed out, his eyes focused on Cho. He studied him for a very long time and considered everything that had happened. Cho coming to Maine to find him, his demand to leave once this is over, the references to Lisbon's despair. "You're the one that helped her."

"I'm the one that found her," Cho corrected him. "We all helped her."

"But you started it."

"I did what needed to be done, but you don't know what she went through," Cho told him firmly. "And I meant it…you destroyed her. So if you are going to stay you better damn well mean it or I'll shoot you."

Jane could tell that Cho meant every word, especially the promise to shoot him. Cho didn't wait around to let Jane think about this anymore though; he grabbed his stuff and stood up from his desk to leave.

"What do you mean by _destroyed_?" Jane asked as Cho walked away.

Cho turned to glare at him. "Figure it out yourself."

* * *

_ Lisbon never missed a workday, not unless she was deathly ill and that had never happened. When she didn't show up the team knew something was wrong. But Cho tried not to worry, not until Bertram informed him that Jane had formally resigned from the CBI. Honestly they had all been expecting that but Cho was the only one who knew about what had been happening between Jane and Lisbon recently._

_ Which is why he knew something was wrong._

_ He left the CBI immediately and raced to Lisbon's apartment, he knocked a couple of times but when she didn't answer all he did was pick her lock. It took a bit longer than if Jane had done it but if she was inside, he knew she would shoot him if he kicked down her door. _

_ But the apartment was empty, at least her living room was. There weren't any signs of anyone in there, no dishes in the sink or glasses on the counter. He did see her gun and badge, which meant she might still be here…then why wasn't she answer him._

_ "Boss?" Cho called out, rounding the stairs to head to the second floor. "Boss?"_

_ Maybe she was asleep…except her bed was empty and neat. Like no one had slept there. He was ready to head back outside and issue a missing person's report but he saw that her bathroom door was open a crack. He nudged open the door and felt another rush of panic._

_ Lisbon was lying curled up on the bathroom floor, pale and still._

_ He knelt down, almost afraid to touch her and breathing a sigh of relief when he realized she was alive. "Boss?" He asked again, gently nudging her._

_ She opened her eyes, slightly disoriented. "Cho?" Lisbon sat up slightly, just to lift her head and shoulders off the floor. "What are you doing here?"_

_ "You didn't come in today," Cho reminded her softly, "what are you doing on your bathroom floor?"_

_ She shook her head slowly. "There's no point in leaving…I'll be back here again."_

_ Cho didn't know what she meant by that but he had a feeling it wasn't good. "Boss…you need to get up."_

_ He watched as her face began to crumple and she shook her head again. "I don't…I can't…" Tears spilled from her eyes and her whole body began to shake. "He left, Cho…he finally left. And you were right. I should never have done this because I did it. I destroyed myself." She began to cry heavily now but still managed to stammer out, "and I ruined everything else."_

_ He was ready to say something harsh; this wasn't his tough, no-nonsense boss, she didn't become like this. But when Cho looked away he saw the opened box by the sink. The box of pregnancy tests._

_ Cho stood up and picked it up, noting that one was missing. When he looked back at Lisbon she was staring up at him and still crying. "Oh shit," Cho breathed out, he didn't think it was this bad._

_ Lisbon just nodded, still inconsolable._

_ He knelt down next to her again, the box still in his hands. "You should have told him. He needed to know."_

_ "He did," Lisbon said, sinking down to the floor. "I told him…and he said it wasn't enough. He left…he knew and he still left."_

_ Cho simply couldn't believe it. Jane could be jackass but he'd never been a bastard before. How could he leave Lisbon knowing she was pregnant? What sort of reason could he give to explain that? Either he was truly heartless or…_

_ Or he was even more broken then they knew._

_ "This isn't your fault," he told her quickly._

_ "I slept with him, I tried to force him to stay," Lisbon reminded him, "if I had just done as you'd said, if I'd let him go…none of this would have happened."_

_ "That doesn't mean he did the right thing."_

_ "No," Lisbon agreed, "but I still did something so incredibly stupid and now…now I've ruined this baby's life and it isn't even born yet." She began to sob again, laying her head down on the tile. "He left…he actually left."_

_ "You need to get up," he told her softly but Lisbon wasn't even hearing him anymore. She was grieving for her broken heart and the fatherless baby she was carrying. _

_ He knelt there and watched as she cried for a long time; he had never felt so helpless in his life. Finally he took action, gently reaching down and picking her up in his arms. She must have been surprised but she was beyond caring, still crying as he carried her out of the bathroom and into her bedroom to set her on the bed._

_ "What do I do?" she asked him, choking on her tears. "Cho…what am I going to do?"_

_ He wished to God he knew._

_0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0_

_ Eventually Lisbon calmed down enough for Cho to take her downstairs. He did the only thing he could think of, setting her at the kitchen table with a small glass of water. She sipped it slowly, no longer crying but still very depressed. She actually looked so small with her knees tucked up by her chest, like she was twenty years younger and getting over her first heartbreak._

_ She ran the pad of her thumb over the rim of her glass, staring into the clear liquid. "Should I keep it?" Then Lisbon looked up to Cho as if he could provide her with the answer._

_ Cho stared back at her. "Do you want to?"_

_ "I don't know," she admitted, "I…I never thought something like this would happen. Not now…not by myself." Lisbon was quiet for a long time before admitting. "I want a baby…I'd even want this baby…but can I really do it alone?"_

_ "Yes," Cho replied simply._

_ She stared at him, shocked by that answer completely. "You didn't even hesitate."_

_ "You've done a lot by yourself," he reminded her, "I know you could do this too."_

_ Lisbon was quiet again and he knew she was thinking about her own past. Raising three brothers, leaving her old life behind and starting new, taking on Patrick Jane, which had been undoubtedly the most difficult challenge in her life. Cho knew she would be able to handle this; she was stronger than any person he'd ever met in his life._

_ She smiled softly at him. "Thanks."_

_ He swiped the now empty glass from the table and set in the sink. "So…you keeping it?"_

_ Lisbon nodded her head. "Yeah, I think I will."_

_ That was good, she needed this. Hell she deserved it, maybe not exactly like this with the father being a coward and running off but she should have some happiness. But he saw the sadness creep back into her eyes. "Do you think he'll come back?"_

_ Cho was silent for a long while and then shook his head. "I don't know…do you want him to?"_

_ "I don't know," Lisbon replied softly, "I guess it depends on how long he's gone."_

_ He had a feeling that Lisbon was going to be waiting a long time._

* * *

Like most nights, it was something of a rodeo rounding up two wild little girls for bath time and bedtime. Somehow Lisbon and Grace managed to get both girls into pajamas and beds, only when they were asleep were the two adults able to relax a little. "I am raising two tornadoes," Lisbon declared as she picked up the toys that were scattered all around her living room floor.

Grace grinned at that characterization, flopping down onto the couch. "They are kids, I think they feed off of each other's energy."

"I know they do," Lisbon agreed. She collapsed onto the couch next to Grace, "I have no idea what I would do if you weren't here."

"You'd manage."

"No," Lisbon told her, shaking her head, "my girls are a two person job." She sighed heavily. "I'm just glad that Jeffrey will be able to help out once you move in with Rigsby." Grace tensed up and flushed a little, making Lisbon smile. "Don't deny it, I know where you two are heading. You've talked about it haven't you?"

"A little," Grace admitted.

"Good," Lisbon replied, "You two make each other happy and I'm happy for you."

She thought that Grace would smile at that statement, that she would revel in the happiness that both of them were in stable and healthy relationships with good men. But Grace was frowning now, carefully studying her. "Is that why you are with Jeffrey?"

"What?" Lisbon asked, really confused. "What does Jeffrey have to do with it?"

"Well it was only after I started dating Wayne again that you started dating Jeffrey."

"I was dating before I met Jeffrey," Lisbon reminded her.

"But you only started after I began seeing Wayne again," Grace replied, "Before that you weren't even _thinking_ about dating."

"I had two babies," Lisbon pointed out, "I didn't have time to date. Now the girls are older, it's easier to find some time to see someone."

But her friend didn't look so easily convinced. "Do you love Jeffrey?"

Lisbon flinched at the question; she didn't want to think about things like that. Why was Grace questioning her like this? "Why would you even ask me that?"

Grace shrugged. "Jeffrey is a nice guy, really, he's wonderful with the girls but I just…I don't really see you with him."

"Excuse me?"

"You guys just don't really seem to fit."

"Well you are wrong," Lisbon declared, "we're perfect for each other. He's stable and secure, a great father to my girls. It's exactly what I need."

Grace was quiet for a while, Lisbon wondered if maybe she'd gotten through to her. There was no way Grace could deny that Jeffrey was the perfect man for her girls to call their father…even if he wasn't actually related to them. "What about Jane?"

Lisbon turned to gape at her, more than a little stunned by that question. "You don't honestly believe that Jane can be a father to the girls."

"I didn't say that," Grace quickly told her, "but I'm just wondering how you feel about Jane."

"I don't feel anything for him." Grace gave her a look that seemed to say, 'come on'. "It's true," Lisbon protested.

"Right, then what did I walk into today?"

Lisbon blushed furiously and looked away, unable to meet her eyes. "Nothing happened."

"But something was going to…right?" Lisbon still looked away, feeling rush of shame at being caught red handed. "Teresa, you have to talk about this, how else are you going to move on?"

"Move on?" Lisbon said, finally looking at Grace again. "I can't move on. That's impossible! I'll never get closure or anything like that, not when…not when I can still remember every single second of being with him. I've never been able to get him out of my head, I can still remember everything, the way he made me feel, the excitement, the thrill." Lisbon hugged herself with her arms and continued, "The pain of watching him walk out the door…I can't forget that. How can anyone move on from…from the love of their lives? I can't, I won't and every time I close my eyes I'll remember that feeling of loving someone so completely that it was the most thrilling time of my life."

Grace was completely silent through Lisbon's speech, the expression on her face changing from sympathy to wonder to sadness. "If that's true…then why are you with Jeffrey?"

Lisbon shook her head looking away again. "Because…because I have to be."

It wasn't a very good answer but it was all Lisbon could give. Right now her mind was swimming with the rush of memories, memories of Jane loving her and leaving. Memories of the sinfully sweet taste of his skin and the terrible pain of being left alone.

Memories she would never be able to forget.

* * *

It was late when Volker stepped out of _Volker Enterprises_, he had a definite swagger in his step and a smug smile. There was no surprise there. With the very recent death of Marcowitz there was chaos on the board of trustees over who would take control over the company, well with the founder now free once more it would only take a little leverage to regain control of the business.

This was the look of a man who was finally getting everything he wanted once more, no matter the consequences.

Jane was waiting outside of the building, deciding that now was a good time to face this nemesis again. Volker was lulling himself into a sense of security, knowing that he had most certainly gotten away with another murder and would soon have his company and therefore his power back. But Jane knew a way to diminish that certainty…by revealing that the team who had taken it all away again was back once more.

"Mr. Volker," Jane called out, smiling a little at the anticipation of this moment.

Volker stopped in his tracks, unable to hide his surprised reaction to seeing Jane again. "Mr. Jane," he stated. It took him a few moments to regain his composure; this time much of the confidence was a sham that Jane could see right through. "I'm surprised to see you here, last I heard you weren't even in the state."

"I'm surprised you could still keep tabs on me," Jane replied, "it must not have been easy in prison."

"I have my ways."

"I don't doubt that," he agreed, "this was something you've been planning for years, that meant you had to cover all of the angles, including keeping an eye on the people who put you away."

Volker studied Jane carefully, like a snake sizing up his prey. "You're right. I've been keeping a watchful eye on everything. I must say it has been an interesting five years. Oh, I didn't congratulate you on your revenge, a terrible thing that happened to your family, it must be a relief knowing that the man responsible is now dead."

"It certainly helps," Jane replied. He was curious to see what game Volker was playing at the moment; he knew the man didn't give a damn about his family or Red John.

"Teresa must have been so disappointed when you left, you were always such a big help to her and the team. Though I'm sure she didn't have long to dwell on it, caring for twins on her own must have kept her busy." Now Volker smiled knowingly. "I'm very happy for her…I do hope nothing happens to those adorable girls."

Jane felt that flare of anger and panic at Volker's obvious threats. The man made to leave and just like before, Jane grabbed his arm. "Do not threaten Teresa or the girls, or I promise you, you won't like what comes next."

"Now I'm stunned," Volker stated, "I didn't think you cared about Teresa or her daughters…excuse me, _your_ daughters."

He tensed a little at Volker's declaration but Jane wasn't all that surprised that Volker knew about who fathered Lisbon's children. He as curious as to how he'd found out but if he knew he wasn't in California until recently, it makes sense that he knew what has happened just before he left too.

"I'm impressed," Jane admitted, "but you know it'll take more than some well known facts to ruffle my feathers."

"I'm not trying any sort of thing," Volker told him, "Although I do have some questions for you. What made you run away before your children were born? How does someone live with that? Tell me, how was it fucking Teresa?"

Jane couldn't help but snap a little at the vulgar way Volker talked about her. He wasn't one to use physical means but the idea of punching this man out was certainly appealing. But Jane knew other ways to get under Volker's skin. "What bothers you more? That I'm here and I'll put you away again, or that I had what you covet?"

Volker was still calm and confident. "I can have anything I want, Mr. Jane, it is just about deciding when to attack." He felt his hands tighten into a fist as the idea of hitting another man became even more enticing, Volker saw this. "Are you going to make the first move?" he asked Jane with a smirk.

He unclenched his fist and forced himself to remain calm. "I already have. It's your move next Volker but I'll warn you, I'm a master at games."

Neither man was nearly as confident after this meeting but Jane at least had the satisfaction of having the last word.

* * *

_ Los Cabos, Mexico had the benefit of exclusivity, meaning it was not yet completely a tourist nightmare of cheap novelty souvenirs and pasty-faced tourists. At the moment the sun had set and the nightlife had set in but Jane paid very little attention to lovely sun-kissed bodies that were choosing their choice of alcoholic lubricant for the evening. _

_ His choice was a gin and tonic, but he wasn't imbibing nearly as much as he'd wanted to. Sobriety wasn't necessarily what he wanted but Jane wasn't able to shut his mind off and do more than sip his drink. He could go and find some other thrill, perhaps in a cheap card trick at one of the tables, but he didn't have the desire to leave this bar either._

_ "Is this seat taken?"_

_ Jane looked up to see a very beautiful woman with white-blonde hair and deep blue eyes, perhaps a little too much makeup but really few men would find fault with her appearance. Her blatant approval of what she saw in front of her proved she had more intimate purpose in mind then just finding a place to sit. _

_ It reminded Jane that there was another way to feel something again. He could find a bit of warmth and pleasure in other places, in the embrace of a woman. Before his marriage he would find it in places just like this, with any woman that would strike his fancy. He hadn't sought such comfort in years though…and he didn't want to start again now._

_ "No," Jane told her, standing up from his seat, "neither is this one."_

_ The woman pouted as he walked away but Jane didn't care. He made his way out onto the beach, which was mostly deserted now that the drinking had begun in earnest. The moonlight shone like silver as the waves crested on the shore, it was beautiful…and he didn't give a damn._

_ "This is just sad Jane."_

_ He turned his head, a little stunned to hear that voice and there she was, standing next to him. She was wearing her normal attire of dress pants and blouse, completely wrong for a moonlit walk on the beach. Her eyes sparkled with mischief instead of anger, but everything was exactly right._

_ But he knew she wasn't real._

_ "I'm losing my mind," Jane declared._

_ "Yes," the fantasy Lisbon agreed, "but what else is new?"_

_ He shook his head, turning around. "Go away."_

_ "Nice. You conjure me up and then try to leave, learn some manners."_

_ Jane glared at the image. "The real Lisbon wouldn't be quite so sarcastic."_

_ "The real Lisbon would have kicked your ass."_

_ He couldn't help but smile a little bit there. "Can't argue with that." Jane sighed heavily. "Then why are you here?"_

_ She stepped closer to him. "You know why. I'm you, your mind and you miss her, the _real_ her. You know you should go back. Get off your ass and go back to Sacramento."_

_ "There's nothing for me there."_

_ "Except for the woman you love who is carrying your child, no you're right, that's nothing at all."_

_ Jane rolled his eyes. "Again with the sarcasm."_

_ "Get used to it, Jane. I'm from your twisted mind, some things are bound to mesh a little." He didn't reply, just remained silent and stared at the waves. "Go back, forget about your fears and your doubts and go back to her…to them."_

_ He wished it was that simple, that he could just forget about all of his sins and his faults and be the man Lisbon needed and the father their child deserved. But Jane knew that it wasn't that easy, that the past had proven he could never have what he wanted, or be the person Lisbon should have._

_ Instead Jane turned to look at his fantasy and shook his head. "I can't."_

* * *

__A/N: Whoo what did you guys think? That sexy bit with Jane and Lisbon, I don't know where that came from but I hope you guys won't mind! LOL Was this chapter good for you too? LOL

Next chapter: Jane will get to spend more time with his daughters as the team begins to look into Volker's past. Lisbon tell's Jane about her decision to marry Jeffrey and Jane asks her the question she hates the most.


	5. So Casually Cruel in the Name of Being H

Disclaimer: I own nothing

A/N: Wow sorry this took longer than I thought but I had to finish The Best Mistake and then this chapter just kept getting longer and longer LOL so I hope you forgive me for the longest chapter of this fic yet! hehehe. I'm proud of this chapter, especially the final scene and I hope you guys love it

**Anonymour Reviews:**

**Jessica:** It's here! Sorry it took so long. LOL you'll have to wait for family time I'm afraid, Jane is still just "the crazy man" at the moment. But you'll get a kiss and more...eventually. LOL I'm so glad you liked this chapter.

**wickyvicky:** LOL some of this inspiration comes from my own life since I am a twin, others come from how much I loved Volker and wanted to see him come back hehehe. LOL I like to wreck these characters' lives. Don't expect that to change ;-)

**Carissa:** I definitely will look into those songs. Hope you like this chapter too

**Anonymous: ** LOL well then, we'll see where this chapter takes you

**Anonymous:** Errr thanks I guess. But the show has proven many times that Jane is capable of leaving people, despite and perhaps because of the fact that he loves them. And Cho hit Jane because frankly he deserved it, It was something Cho would do especially since Cho is the one who found Lisbon curled up in a ball and completely broken by Jane. But frankly, I'm not sure how to take this blunt and rather harsh critique of my work. If you do not like this fic then please, stop reading.

**Anonymous:** Jane has to actually start to work for her forgiveness, right now he's just sort of fighting the fact that he wants to stay. Once he realizes that he can't fight this, you'll see a different man.

**Anonymous:** LOL so glad you enjoyed this. Don't worry, I'll be updating everything...but one chapter at a time ;-)

* * *

Chapter 5: So Casually Cruel in the Name of Being Honest

_I walked through the door with you, the air was cold,_

_But something about it felt like home somehow._

_And I left my scarf there at your sister's house,_

_And you still got it in your drawer even now._

_Oh, your sweet disposition and my wide-eyed gaze._

_We're singing in the car, getting lost Upstate._

_Autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place,_

_And I can picture it after all these days._

_And I know it's long gone,_

_And that magic's not here no more,_

_And I might be okay,_

_But I'm not fine at all._

_'Cause there we are again on that little town street._

_You almost ran the red 'cause you were looking over me._

_Wind in my hair, I was there, I remember it all too well._

_Photo album on the counter, your cheeks were turning red._

_You used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin-size bed_

_And your mother's telling stories about you on the tee ball team_

_You tell me about your past, thinking your future was me._

_And I know it's long gone_

_And there was nothing else I could do_

_And I forget about you long enough_

_To forget why I needed to..._

_'Cause there we are again in the middle of the night._

_We dance around the kitchen in the refrigerator light_

_Down the stairs, I was there, I remember it all too well, yeah._

_Maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much,_

_And maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up._

_Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well._

_Hey, you call me up again just to break me like a promise._

_So casually cruel in the name of being honest._

_I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here_

_'Cause I remember it all, all, all... too well._

_Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it_

_I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it_

_After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own_

_Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone_

_But you keep my old scarf from that very first week_

_'Cause it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me_

_You can't get rid of it 'cause you remember it all too well, yeah_

_'Cause there we are again, when I loved you so_

_Back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known_

_It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well_

_Wind in my hair, you were there, you remember it all_

_Down the stairs, you were there, you remember it all_

_It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well_

_~ All Too Well by Taylor Swift_

* * *

Lisbon spent the entire night staring at the ceiling, when she did manage to fall asleep she was flooded with flashes of Jane…more specifically of her and Jane having sex. Memories mostly, sometimes it was in her bed, other times it was his. She wound up waking up sweating and painfully aroused, it took a long time for the throbbing to pass and she could stop thinking about the memories she'd been trying so hard to suppress.

When it was still dark she rolled out of bed and made her way to the bathroom where the steam of the shower helped hide her flushed skin and her shame. Finally she wrapped herself up in a fluffy towel and blow-dried her hair. The steam faded from the mirror making her reflection visible again, as she brushed the hair away from her face her eyes caught on the small white scar on her throat.

It wasn't that bad, most people didn't notice it until they got closer to her. The stitches had been small, hardly visible and the doctors had done a good job, coupled with her regimen of scar fade cream it had helped keep the scar from being noticeable. But she saw it, every day she saw it.

Last year she'd been holding Morgan in her arms and the little girl had innocently asked what happened there. It hadn't been easy trying to explain to her very intelligent daughter the truth without revealing too much. In the end her girls weren't satisfied with her explanation but they accepted it, they had their father's intuition but their mother's grace.

She touched the scar lightly, still remembering that terrifying moment where Red John had the knife to her throat. She still had nightmares about that night, of feeling the knife cutting into her skin but most of all…Jane's eyes. He'd been filled with so much fear and pain, something she'd never seen before in him. Like a man who was about to be destroyed.

When Jane first threatened to leave Lisbon wondered if part of the reason why he was so eager to put her behind him was because he was haunted by almost losing her like that. It had to have brought up trauma of losing his wife and child. Of course the fact that he not only left her and her children had convinced her that Jane was just selfish.

But seeing him again was causing her to question that theory, Jane still looked like a man tormented by demons. Perhaps in the interest of protecting himself he'd hurt her and their girls, it didn't excuse his actions but it did bring up the possibility that he would recognize his foolishness and decide to stay.

Lisbon shook her head; no she had to dismiss those ideas. Hope wasn't something she could afford right now, not with Jane messing with her head all over again.

She got dressed before heading straight to her daughters' room. It was just about time to wake them up, she could already hear Grace in the other bathroom getting ready herself. The girls were still sleeping when Lisbon softly knocked on their door before walking in. "Wake up, monkeys. It's time to get up."

They both grumbled and remained in their beds. Lisbon rolled her eyes before marching over and pulling back the covers on both of them. "Come on, get up, both of you."

It was Morgan who put her feet on the floor first; she sleepily stumbled over to her sister and helped prod her out of bed. "Maddy!"

Finally both girls turned sleepy eyes up to their mother. Lisbon just smiled at them and led them out the door and down the stairs. She left them in the living room where they immediately ran for the dollhouse that was against the wall. She made her way over to the kitchen; it was early enough for her to actually do something besides cereal and milk. They both loved eggs, small wonder where that came from.

Lisbon divided the eggs and scrambled them in separate bowls, her girls both liked eggs but their tastes were diverse. Madison needed cheddar cheese mixed with hers while Morgan preferred hers plain with ketchup. She was melting butter in one of the pans when she heard the sound of two little girls screaming and crying.

She ran into the living room, spatula still in her hand. Morgan and Madison were engaged in a tug of war over a half naked Barbie doll.

"Give it back!"

"I had it first!"

"I want her!"

"Noooooo!"

Madison was the one who grabbed the little plastic doll chair and threw it at her sister. It hit Morgan's shoulder, which only made Morgan cry harder. "Hey!" Lisbon shouted, both girls turning to look at her, shutting up immediately. "What is going on?"

They both began talking at once so she couldn't actually understand them. It was obvious however what the real problem was, there was one doll, two girls, and both wanted it. "Who had it first?"

Now Morgan looked triumphant and Madison wasn't happy, she shoved the doll into Morgan's arms. "Madison, you find something else to play with until Morgan is done."

"But I wanted—."

"I don't care," Lisbon replied, "you don't just take toys from your sister. You also don't throw toys either."

"Mommy!"

"No! You don't get any ice cream tonight, not until you learn to play nicely," Lisbon told her, "I mean it."

The loss of ice cream was a devastating punishment for her girls. Madison began to wail in despair while Lisbon groaned; it was going to be a fun morning with a crying child. But she'd had three younger brothers; she knew the best way to get the crying to stop was to just ignore it.

Grace came down the stairs with a sheepish smile. "It's one of those mornings."

Lisbon nodded. "Yep, sisterly love on display."

They both headed for the kitchen where Lisbon could get back to work fixing breakfast. Grace headed straight for the coffeemaker. "They fight as much as they get along," Lisbon said shaking her head, "And I thought it was just brothers who did that."

Grace laughed. "But you can't separate them."

That made Lisbon smile. She hadn't been privy for that infamous memory but Rigsby and Cho sure had. A year ago Rigsby and Cho had been watching the girls at the CBI after they'd been called in unexpectedly for a case. Rigsby had gone out to go pick up some lunch and decided to try a little experiment, he took Madison with him and left Morgan at the CBI. The plan backfired as both girls screamed and cried the whole time, "I want my sister! I want my sister!"

Everyone had been miserable for those twenty minutes. When they came back, Madison and Morgan hugged like they'd been separated for years and Cho threatened to shoot Rigsby if he ever wanted to do that again.

The crying from the living room stopped quickly and Lisbon was able to finish fixing the girls their scrambled eggs while Grace poured them some milk and added a couple of slices of bacon to their plates. "Girls, breakfast!"

They both raced to the breakfast nook and climbed onto the chairs with their little booster seats. Lisbon grinned as they both dutifully bowed their heads and said their blessing. "God is great, God is good. Let us thank Him for our food. By His hand, we are fed. Give us, Lord, our daily bread. Amen"

Well at least she was doing one thing right.

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The girls were chattering away when Lisbon pulled into the parking lot of the CBI, Grace was having fun, turned around in her seat and carried on a conversation with the girls the whole way there.

"When are we going back to daycare, Mommy?" Morgan asked, always the inquisitive one.

"Soon," Lisbon told her vaguely, "Mommy just wants to keep you two close for now." It was as close to the truth as she was willing to get. She didn't want them going back to the daycare center until she was sure that Volker wasn't going to come back. It scared her that he'd gotten so close to her girls, she had no doubt the man would not hesitate to harm them if he wanted to.

She and Grace corralled the girls to the elevator where, Brenda Shettrick was already there and she was kind enough to hold the door for them. "Lisbon, bringing the girls in today?"

"Don't have much of a choice," Lisbon replied, holding tightly to Madison's hand, with the other she pressed the button for her floor. She hoped Brenda wouldn't press the issue; she didn't want her girls overhearing things they shouldn't.

"And Jane is back," Brenda pressed on, "after all of these years, he's finally back."

Lisbon's smile faltered and she shook her head. "No…well yes but it is only temporary."

That surprised Brenda. "Oh? So he hasn't seen…?"

"Yes," she quickly interrupted, her cheeks burning. "But what difference does that make? Jane has nothing to do with them."

It was a lie, a bad one too but she'd been telling this same lie for five years. She'd never breathed a word to anyone besides her team over who had fathered her two daughters, but in the end no word needed to be said. The timing was far too perfect to mean anything else; Jane leaves just as Lisbon enters single motherhood. What else was anyone supposed to think?

And Brenda had been running the gossip mills ever since.

This time Brenda wisely recognized that Lisbon wasn't going to reveal anything, especially with her daughters around. "What is this I heard about Jane speaking to Volker?"

"What?" Lisbon asked, stunned. She heard Grace gasp a little too, so she was just as surprised.

"I guess you don't know," Brenda replied, a cross between startled and a little smug. She liked being the one who knew everything.

The elevator reached her floor before Lisbon could question Brenda on this further. She and Grace led the girls out to the bullpen where they broke free and made a mad dash towards Lisbon's office. "Slow down," Lisbon told them as she hurried after her daughters, Grace made her way to her desk to get to her own work.

Madison and Morgan were giggling as Lisbon opened the door; it was Madison who saw him first. "Crazy man!"

Jane was sitting at her desk as if he belonged there; he was looking through some folder but glanced up as soon as he heard the door open. The girls ran to him immediately but skidded to a stop in front of him, well at least they weren't climbing into his lap yet. To Lisbon's surprise he didn't seem upset at all to see them, he smiled at them, one of his slow easy smiles. "Hello there."

"Hi," they both said, giggling lightly. They were enthralled by him, like most people were whenever he smiled.

"Still helping your Mommy out I see," Jane remarked, flicking his eyes up to Lisbon who was giving him her best disapproval look.

"Uh huh," Madison said quickly, "we keep Mommy compny while she catches bad men."

"She's very good at that."

Lisbon crossed her arms, still glowering. "Yes I am, but Mommy needs to talk to the crazy man for just a moment. _Alone_."

Jane grinned then, stepping up from the desk but keeping a firm grip on the folder. "I suppose that's an open invitation." But he looked down at the girls, "I'm sorry ladies, I promise we'll play later."

"Yay!"

Lisbon watched as her girls celebrated, they loved the idea of Jane playing with them. But she remained stiff and formal as she led Jane out of her office so that Madison and Morgan wouldn't overhear them. "What are you thinking talking to Volker?"

Jane tilted his head, thinking that revelation over. "I'm surprised you know about that."

"Everyone is talking about it."

"Hmmm, interesting."

She stared at him, was he just not getting how bad this was or was he being typical Jane? "What is so interesting about you possibly damaging this case?"

Jane rolled his eyes, "Volker doesn't care that I went to see him, if he made an issue of it then you might bring up the fact that he threatened you, better to just keep this as gossip."

He had a point; the last thing Volker wanted to do was draw more attention to his interest in her. What she didn't understand is why Jane cared so much. "Why did you go see Volker?"

"He threatened you and the girls," Jane stated simply.

"So?"

"You think I need more reason than that?"

Lisbon just scoffed at him and shook her head. "It doesn't matter, I'm done trying to figure out why you do whatever it is that you do."

"As long as you appreciate the results," Jane remarked pulling open the file, "I was looking over the report you have on Volker's background."

"You mean after you broke into my office and rifled around in my desk?"

"Yes I noticed that you got rid of the hammer, I guess that wasn't good for the kids." Jane still had his nose buried in the file. "It's interesting, reads like the perfect rags to richest story, all-American works hard and wins big."

"And kills anyone who gets in his way."

Jane nodded. "Yes, but that isn't something he started once he was on top, no…its something he learned and perfected along the way."

That interested Lisbon. "You think he's killed others?"

"Undoubtedly," Jane said, "I'd look into deaths of people from his hometown or where he went to college, someone associated with him even if it wasn't directly. Also women he dated, he's not only psychopath but a sexual sadist, I'm sure you've noticed that."

"Can't help but," she grumbled, her skin crawling at just the memory of how Volker would look at her. Lisbon glanced up to see Jane staring at her, he looked concerned, he knew that Volker was targeting her. She also had a feeling he knew Volker's plans involved more than just terrorizing her but something much more…traumatic. But Lisbon wasn't going to let fear cloud her life, she had a gun and a badge and she would use them to protect herself and her two daughters. "Let's just find something to nail him on," Lisbon told Jane, "before his old mattress in prison gets cold."

Lisbon moved around Jane so she could get inside of her office, shutting the door. Perhaps it wasn't intentional but then again maybe not. Either way the message was clear.

He still wasn't welcome here.

* * *

The attic was still a dreary place when Jane walked in, very dusty, obviously no one else had adopted this place since he left. That suited him just fine, this had always been his domain anyways and it was fitting that he chose to come up here to think about everything that was going on.

He still had the file on Volker and planned to pour over it at least four more times to see if there was anything he could glean from it. He also planned to avoid thinking about what else he'd found while he'd rifled through Lisbon's desk.

"Yeah, not going happen. Of course I'm going to remind you of it." Fantasy Lisbon was back of course.

Jane sat down at table by the window, intent on ignoring this specter entirely. "I'm working on a case, could you please jump back into my subconscious and leave me alone?"

"You never left me alone on a case, why should I do the same to you?"

"You aren't going to provide helpful insight into catching Volker," he pointed out, "the only thing you are going to do is berate me for my actions."

She smiled knowingly. "You can never be kicked in the pants enough for what you've done."

Jane sighed and set the folder aside; there was no escaping this conversation apparently. "Just say what you want to say then."

Fantasy Lisbon smirked. "But there's so much I want to say. We could talk about the fact that you got all protective when you confronted Volker. Or how you stared at that picture of the twins for a full ten minutes before remember why you broke into my office in the first place. But maybe we should talk about how you felt sick to you stomach when you found that ring brochure…"

It was like a knife to the gut all over again, the same way he felt when he'd opened the drawer and saw the glossy pamphlet of designs. He flipped through it a little and saw that she'd placed a few neat checks to some bands, obviously narrowing down her choices. There was really only one reason for her to do that.

"Yep, I'm thinking about marrying boring Jeffrey," Fantasy Lisbon finished his thoughts, "what do you have to say about that?"

Jane did his best to appear nonchalant. "I don't really have the right to say anything about it now do I?"

"Oh God you really are a moron."

"No, I'm being a mature and responsible adult about all of this."

"What does repressing your seething anger, fear and jealousy have to do with being a mature responsible adult?" She asked, "Don't you remember, I'm inside of your head. I know that the first thing you wanted to do when you found that brochure, was tear it up."

"All right, I was jealous," Jane admitted, getting very frustrated with the fact that he was arguing with himself. "I hate the idea of you thinking about marrying this man. But it's what's best for you and for the girls, so I'm going to do the right thing by you and just step aside."

"Are you crazy? You aren't seriously going to let me pursue this are you?"

Jane shrugged. "You obviously must care about him, at least somewhat. He can't be a bad guy and he does love the girls. You could be happy with him."

"Right. I could be happy with _Jeffrey_," she said doubtfully. "I'm so in love with him, that's why I almost kissed _you_ in the hallway." Fantasy Lisbon gave him an annoyed look. "You know as well as I do that people in love don't do that."

But Jane had a comeback to that one. "I slept with Lorelei and I was in love with you."

Of course he underestimated his subconscious again. "Well there are three reasons why you are an exception to the rule. One: you only slept with her to get to Red John. Two: you didn't realize you were in love with me until afterwards, when you just blurted it out before pretending to shoot me. And three: it's long since been established that when it comes to love you are a complete idiot."

Despite the final point, Jane really couldn't think of a plausible argument against that logic…even point three had quite a bit of truth to it. There was no denying that he had managed to make a mess of his life. His two great loves had both ended in disaster with Angela's death and him abandoning Lisbon. It was why the best thing was to keep away, if he didn't love then he couldn't hurt or be hurt.

"Are you going to tell me about the ring?" Jane flinched at the reminder and he didn't have to look up to see her smiling smugly. "I know you've avoided thinking about it but it's still there…sitting in the bottom of your suitcase actually. Wonder why you felt the need to bring it hmmm?"

"Don't start."

"It's too late. You bought the ring, why else would you buy it unless you wanted me to have it."

Jane shook his head. "I don't know."

It was the truth. He'd found the ring while wandering a jeweler's market in Mexico. He'd stared at it for very long time, the emeralds on either side of the diamond had reminded him of her eyes. He'd thought about walking away several times but then he'd been handing over some cash and walking out with a ring in his pocket.

"Yes you do."

He pointedly reopened the file as he tried his best to will this specter back to his subconscious. "I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. I'm going to make sure Volker can't hurt you or the girls."

"Your girls, Jane. _Your_ girls!"

Jane closed his eyes. It was impossible to forget that fact, no matter how much he tried to ignore it he couldn't. It had been so much easier before, still impossible to forget but so much easier to ignore. He hadn't known if he'd had a boy or a girl, hadn't know what his child looked like, hadn't known a thing about them. It was so much easier to ignore what he didn't know.

But now he did.

Now he knew that he had not one but two breathtakingly beautiful little girls with their mother's dark hair and his eyes. He knew they were not only thoughtful, but also charming and mischievous in their own way. He knew that they had smiles as bright as the summer sun.

And he couldn't stop thinking about them.

"They aren't mine," Jane told her, "they shouldn't be mine. I don't want them."

"Liar," she stated firmly. "You're lying, what's worse is that you know you are. But why? Why do you lie so much to yourself? It's pathetic!"

"What if I lose them?" Jane asked, his words loud and bitter. "I could lose you and them and everything all over again."

"Red John is dead."

"I know!" he replied, "But Volker isn't! The next killer isn't! You could walk right into a building and get shot. Or get into a car accident with the girls. If I have you and I lost you…I won't survive it. I barely did the first time I lost my love and my child, the only reason I didn't was because of you. I won't find another you, I won't be able to pull myself back together again."

She stared him, for once not looking smug or annoyed. Instead the vision in front of him was thoughtful. Probably because this was the first time in five years he'd actually admitted the truth. For once he was being honest…with himself.

The fantasy Lisbon took a few steps closer to him; he imagined her reaching up to tilt his face so he was looking into her eyes. "Oh, Patrick, you've been trying so hard to keep from losing me that you don't even realize that you already are. Even if I did die…you wouldn't have lost me. Death is not something you can predict or prevent…but losing me to another man, losing your girls to another father…that _is_."

Jane closed his eyes again, unable to think of a way to disagree with her…and unable to comprehend how horrible it would be if her prediction came true. She was right…or rather he was. The only way to truly lose someone was to give up entirely and let someone else claim them. That didn't mean he deserved them, it didn't mean he could change his mind.

But for the first time he wondered if maybe he could.

He opened his eyes and the vision was gone.

He was alone again.

* * *

_ Lisbon hadn't told anyone else about her pregnancy, not even her brothers or the rest of her team. Cho knew because she was still trying to act like she wasn't pregnant, even still everyone walked on eggshells around her. They all knew she was going to take Jane leaving hard…but only Cho knew just how incredibly devastated she really was._

_ So he watched her with careful eyes. He saw that she was still depressed and afraid, no small wonder over that. But she was a strong woman, she was going to press on and find her own happiness again. Until then she would have to find a way to stop getting sick._

_ He could tell she was not only exhausted and heartsick but she still looked like death warmed over. Cho had a feeling that couldn't all be attributed to her depression, not when she was wearing path in the floor to the bathroom. If Rigsby and Van Pelt noticed they didn't say anything, they probably thought their boss had the flu or something._

_ But she was still the boss and still doling out orders and encouragement like nothing was wrong._

_ "Rigsby, Van Pelt, go to talk to Arlen, see what he knows about the sudden windfall our victim had last month. Cho and I are going to go talk to his coworkers, see if they have any explanation."_

_ The other two agents scampered off to do her bidding but Cho remained still, just looking at her carefully. Lisbon noticed after a while. "What?"_

_ "You look like hell."_

_ She glared at him for that comment. "I'm fine."_

_ Cho leaned back in his seat to give her a once over. "You should tell them about the kid."_

_ That made Lisbon flinched. "I'm really not ready to be the most pathetic woman alive yet."_

_ "You think this is wrong?"_

_ "No," she corrected him, "but right now I'm just doing my job, no one knows how stupid I was or how hurt I am."_

_ "Oh they know," Cho explained to her, "They just don't know _everything_."_

_ She looked upset by that statement but Cho didn't try to comfort her. She had to have known it was obvious that Jane's leaving would break her heart, all anyone had to do was see the haunted look in her eyes._

_ Lisbon shook her head. "I really can't deal with this right now, I'd rather just pretend that everything is okay for a little while longer."_

_ "That's stupid."_

_ "I'm barely keeping my head above water right now, Cho," Lisbon told him quickly, "I really do not have time for sympathy and questions and…and all of the gossip."_

_ "You're going to get it," Cho reminded her, "there's nothing you can do about it. And you can't ignore it."_

_ "Just leave me alone." But Cho gave her another look; he didn't even have to say a word. Now she was trying to explain herself. "I'll tell my brothers, I'll tell the rest of the team. I just…I want to wait."_

_ That was when Cho understood._

_ "He's not coming back," Cho told her, his voice sharp and a little hard._

_ Lisbon looked away, a little shamed that her own hopes had been found out and were being criticized. "We don't know what Jane is going to do."_

_ "He knows and he still left, he's not going to come back. Not now…not for a long if ever."_

_ "But he could."_

_ Cho shook his head. "Not unless something makes him…or the guilt gets to him. Either way it'll be a very long time."_

_ For a second she looked absolutely devastated, for a short moment she actually did believe Cho. But she was a woman in love, a woman who was desperate to hold on to hope. So she picked herself up and went straight back to denial. "You might be wrong."_

_ He just shrugged. He couldn't deny that, it was possible that Jane would show up tomorrow with apologies and a new lease on life. But Cho doubted it._

_ Jane had always been more foolish than brave._

_ Cho was going to get his things together to head out with Lisbon when he saw that she was looking very pale again. "You all right?"_

_ Lisbon nodded quickly and gave out a breathless. "Fine," but she rushed to the nearest trashcan... which happened to be his. The sound of gagging and vomiting followed, Cho just stepped back and calmly waited for it to be over._

_ Eventually she shuddered and lifted her head, looking paler and worse than before. "I'm so sorry, I'll call the janitor and get them to take it out." Cho just stared back at her. "I'm okay, it's just a little morning sickness. It's normal."_

_ "And you know this how?" He asked, mostly because he knew that this wasn't 'a little'._

_ Lisbon glared at him, being caught in her ignorance. "Just get the car."_

_ He grabbed the keys and as he walked past her he said. "I'm going to leave the window open."_

_ She let out an indignant sound. "That's not funny," but then she muttered, "But yeah, do that."_

_ He rolled his eyes as he walked out of the bullpen, deciding right then and there that if he ever saw Jane again, he'd kill him._

* * *

Lisbon hated pouring over Volker's history, especially since she'd done it several times in the past. This time she was looking into other areas, things that weren't directly related to him but rather were peripheral. If there were anything in Volker's past, like Jane suspected, then it would have been well covered. But all secrets could be unburied.

She wished she could spend more time devoted uncovering those secrets but she was also trying to manage her two girls. That wasn't an easy task any day of the week, but coupled with the fact that they were starting to become permanent fixtures at the CBI meant Lisbon was running ragged. She was beginning to question her decision to pull them out of daycare for the moment, but then all Lisbon had to do was remember that Volker had gone there and talked to her child.

Eventually she managed to get them entertained by a DVD on her laptop. She reckoned she had about an hour before Rapunzel and the dashing Flynn Rider made it to the palace, enough time for her to brainstorm with the rest of the team and see what work was being done.

The bullpen was rather subdued except for Jane who was leaning over Grace's desk and staring at her computer screen intently. For once, the redhead didn't seem to mind that Jane was there, they were both too busy with the case to focus on the fact that she was supposed to be mad at him. That could only mean that something had come up that was finally setting the wheels in motion to put Volker away again.

"You have something," Lisbon said. It wasn't a question; she knew that the only way Jane and Grace could be working so well together was if something had come up.

Jane looked up at her with a satisfied expression in his eyes. "You must have read Volker's interviews in _Harvard Business Review_."

"You mean the puff piece that is about ten years old?"

"The age of the interview isn't important," Jane replied, "what's important is what it tells us."

"I've read it, Jane. A rags to riches story of how a bright eyed boy managed to make it big with only his dreams and his wits." Lisbon said mockingly, she had no doubt Volker had some help from a few of his friends: cheating, lying and murder.

"You're forgetting rising from the ashes of tragedy," Jane pointed out.

Lisbon was quiet for a moment and thought about Jane's comment. She didn't have Jane's impressive memory so she finally just gave up. "What tragedy?"

Jane grinned now. "He mentions his college girlfriend, Samantha Barker, she committed suicide during his third year."

She let that sink in, her eyes narrowed. "You think Volker killed her."

To Lisbon's surprise, Jane shook his head. "She took a bottle of sleeping pills."

"So it really was a suicide," Lisbon surmised, not sure at all what was going on here. "Then what does this have to do with Volker besides providing him a sob story?"

He gestured over to the computer screen. Grace met Lisbon's eyes. "Samantha left a note and a diary, she admits to being raped. Her autopsy revealed that she had many healing bruises and signs of trauma."

Lisbon looked to Jane for a bit of clarification. "She was sexually tortured, including being choked repeatedly."

That sent alarm bells off in her head. Choking was Volker's trademark, he liked that power and control, the ability to bring a woman to the brink of death and then release her, only to start the torture again.

"So Volker started with her," Lisbon said.

Jane pursed his lips. "Possibly. At the very least it was the beginning of his sexual sadism. He chose Samantha strictly because she was the type to shut down emotionally and lock it all in as opposed to going to the cops. Unfortunately it resulted in her killing herself, but obviously Volker used that to his advantage."

"That's no surprise," Lisbon muttered, "he knows how to spin things to elevate himself." She had a few bitter thoughts about this; Volker had used blackmail and murder to get himself up to heading his own million-dollar enterprise. "But we can't use this, Jane. It's not murder and there's no way we can prove Volker raped her. Even if we could, the statute of limitations has passed."

"But if we look into it we'll rattle his cage," Jane pointed out, "and that will undoubtedly lead to attempts to cover up his other misdeeds."

"You want him to incriminate himself."

"Exactly."

Lisbon stared at Jane for a minute, her lips quirked up in a small grin. This was like the games they used to play to catch killers, the ones they were very, very good at. "Van Pelt, find me everything you can on Samantha Barker and her death. And don't be quiet about it."

She turned away to head back to her office, not before catching Jane's wicked grin. In those few moments it was like nothing had happened. Like it was five years ago and he was her beautiful consultant she'd secretly pined for, the one who got into trouble only to get them both out.

But it wasn't. Because she was walking back to her office to check up on her two little girls that were still fatherless….all because of Jane.

* * *

_ Lisbon had never been more miserable in her life. She honestly couldn't remember a time when she was nauseous. This pregnancy was going to be the death of her, she was certain of it. The headaches, dizziness and weakness wasn't bad enough, she seemed unable to keep much down at all. It was a living hell is what it was._

_ But she tried to soldier through it, living off of crackers and ginger ale which did little good. Nothing was working and she was feeling worse and worse each day. Lisbon was determined to do her job, she might be pregnant but only Cho knew, for now she would continue on with her life until she couldn't hide it anymore._

_ "You look like shit," Cho told her as they got into his car. They needed to interview the victim's wife again and Lisbon didn't trust herself not to throw up behind the wheel if she drove._

_ "Thanks," she said dryly._

_ "You need to see a doctor."_

_ "I did," Lisbon told him, "four weeks ago when I had my first prenatal appointment. Everything was fine."_

_ "You weren't as sick then."_

_ She couldn't very well argue with that statement. "I'll be fine," Lisbon replied and tried to believe it, even as she felt the vomit creeping up her throat. Lisbon did what she could to breath through her nose and keep herself from getting sick again. But she felt so weak…and so tired. All she wanted to do was sleep._

_ "That's it," she heard Cho mutter but she didn't open her eyes, she did hear him pick up speed._

_ Maybe she dozed off or maybe she remained in her foggy state but Lisbon didn't open her eyes until she heard the car stop and Cho opened her passenger door. "Do you need help getting out?"_

_ She blinked a couple of times and realized they weren't at Mrs. Metcalfe's home._

_ They were at the hospital._

_ "What are you doing?" Lisbon asked, feeling some ire working it's way through her system._

_ "What needs to be done."_

_ "I'm fine."_

_ He actually rolled his eyes and she was shocked as she was physically lifted out of the car by the agent. "Put me down!" she insisted, "I can walk on my own two feet!"_

_ Cho complied but once she was back onto the ground she felt the world tilt and she quickly lose her balance, falling back into Cho's arms. Thankfully a nurse came rushing out with a wheelchair, saving her the indignity of being carried into the hospital. "What's happened?" the woman asked as Cho lowered Lisbon into the chair._

_ "She's pregnant, can't keep anything down. I think she's dehydrated."_

_ "We'll check her out and give her some fluids," the woman assured him, "Are you the father?"_

_ "No."_

_ "Is there someone we can contact?"_

_ Lisbon was the one who shook her head. "No, I'm alone."_

_ That sad fact hung over them as she was wheeled into the hospital. But she couldn't think about that, she was too worried about her baby._

_0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0_

_ Eventually Lisbon was lying on a bed with an I.V. hooked up, she still felt like crap but it was good knowing that she was at least getting the fluids she needed to survive. She did smile when Cho walked into her room. "Hey," she said greeting him, "You disobeyed my orders…and thanks."_

_ "How are you feeling?" He asked as he sat down in one of the chairs._

_ "A little better," she told him honestly, "I'm sure everything will be good again soon."_

_ He nodded. "I let Rigsby and Van Pelt know, they are interviewing Mrs. Metcalfe."_

_ "Make sure they ask about her husband's offshore accounts and his unlisted cell we can't find." Cho gave her a look that said he'd already done that. She sighed heavily. "How much did you tell them?"_

_ "Everything."_

_ She groaned and shook her head. "How much do you mean by everything?"_

_ "_Everything_."_

_ Shit, that was bad. She knew Cho meant not just the fact that her body was harboring another person but who was also responsible for said person being there. "How did they take it?"_

_ Cho studied her for a moment. "Shocked. Their mad you didn't tell them. Their really mad that you waited this long to go to the hospital."_

_ Lisbon rolled her eyes. "I'm fine, in a few weeks I'll be past the first trimester and as good as new." She looked down at her hands. "What did they say about…you know?"_

_ He shrugged. "Not much. They want to help."_

_ "That's sweet," Lisbon told him, "but I'll handle this on my own."_

_ Cho might have had a retort for that but her doctor walked in. A nice looking woman about five years older than her with her file in her hands. "Hello, Teresa. You are looking better already."_

_ "The fluids are helping," Lisbon admitted._

_ "It's good your friend brought you in here," her doctor continued, "it appears you were suffering from __Hyperemesis Gravidarum."_

_ "Which is?"_

_ "Severe morning sickness, because you've lost so much weight and weren't keeping anything down, you were also dehydrated."_

_ That wasn't anything Lisbon didn't already know. "Okay, so I'll get rehydrated and then I'll go home."_

_ "It'll take a bit more time then that. We'll keep you on the I.V. for at least another day and then reintroduce solid foods to your system." Her doctor explained, "We'll also prescribe some medication__ to try and tamper down the nausea but you will need to take it very, very easy and be vigilant with your nutrition until we are certain your symptoms have passed."_

_ Lisbon grimaced. "I guess that means desk duty…or worse."_

_ Her doctor nodded. "There is another matter we need to discuss. We ran your blood work and your hormone levels are extremely high."_

_ "Isn't that normal?"_

_ "It can be," her doctor explained, "I understand you haven't had a sonogram yet."_

_ Lisbon panicked. "You think something is wrong with my baby?"_

_ "It's merely a precaution."_

_ That didn't make Lisbon feel much better and she felt her heart pounding when they wheeled the instruments in to begin the sonogram. Cho was sweet, staying with her. He might not say much but his presence was helpful enough._

_ The doctor was very kind, carefully moving the monitor over her stomach. Lisbon felt scared when she didn't see or hear anything. Oh God what if…_

_ Then she heard the rapid heart beat._

_ "Is it okay?"_

_ The woman smiled and nodded. "Everything looks fine, healthy, strong and…" Lisbon did not like it when her voice trailed off like that, not in the least. "And now I know why your levels are so high."_

_ "What?" Lisbon said frantically, "What is it?" She peered at the monitor, staring at the baby on the screen. She could see a peanut shaped blob on the screen, she could barely make out the head and body but there was no denying it was a baby. "That's it right?" Lisbon pointed at the blob, then she looked again, "then what is…oh my God!"_

_ "Twins," the woman told her with a smile._

_ "Twins?! Twins!"_

_ "Yes, and they are sharing a placenta which means they are identical."_

_ "Twins? Identical twins! How…how did this happen?" Lisbon wondered, gaping at the screen where she saw her _two_ babies._

_ Her doctor was patient though. "After conception the egg divided about four to seven days postconception."_

_ "Mother of God."_

_ Cho was craning his head now, obviously wanting to get a look at the screen. She had no idea if the man was shocked or amused and she didn't care. She felt sick to her stomach with a new kind of nausea. "Teresa? Your pulse is accelerating," the doctor pointed out, "Are you all right?"_

_ Lisbon couldn't respond, she was actually starting to shake. "Boss, boss, it's okay," Cho told her, standing up by her bed._

_ She shook her head. "No…I can't do this. I…I don't know how I'll have one baby, I can't have two!"_

_ "It's going to be okay."_

_ "I can't do this…it's twins!"_

_ "A lot of women are shocked at first," the woman explained, "but you will come around."_

_ Lisbon turned her head and stared at the woman as if she was insane. "Have you ever had two babies in your uterus?"_

_ "Boss, calm down," Cho said, stopping her from yelling at the defenseless doctor._

_ "I'll leave you two alone for a moment," the woman said and made a hasty exit._

_ Lisbon was still too stunned to care. "Twins, Cho. I'm having twins!"_

_ "Yes."_

_ "I only wanted one!"_

_ He shrugged. "Then get rid of one of them."_

_ She blinked at him, not believing what he'd just said. "What?"_

_ "Just have one."_

_ "Are you serious?"_

_ "You said you just wanted one," he reminded her._

_ "I can't get rid of one! They're mine!"_

_ She saw his lips curl a little. "Good."_

_ For a second she was left trying to figure out what happened, then she realized he'd been playing her. "You son of a bitch."_

_ Cho actually laughed and sat down on the chair again, relaxed and at peace. "Two babies."_

_ Lisbon nodded, still a little shaken up. "Can you believe it?"_

_ "Yes, Jane always has a way of creating chaos, why should his kids be any different?"_

_ It really wasn't that funny, not now but maybe it was the hormones. Lisbon couldn't help but giggle and then laugh, a real laugh for the first time in so many months. After several minutes she leaned back against the pillow with a sigh, running one hand over her stomach._

_ "Two babies," she repeated softly, "my babies."_

* * *

It became very clear to Jane that the true leaders on the team were Madison and Morgan as they apparently ruled the roost. It was never a surprise to find them playing on the floor by his/their couch, coloring in the little play area in their mother's office or running from desk to desk to garner some form of attention. It was equally clear that the team adored them. He'd been stunned when Madison walked right over to Cho and crawled into his lap and the usually stern agent didn't even bat an eye.

They were not short on love here, not with the team that had taken them in as if they were their own flesh and blood. Their smiles were intoxicating; he was drawn in by their cheerful laughter and innocent ways. Jane was quickly beginning to really care for the little girls he'd abandoned years ago.

Which is why he found himself cross-legged on the floor carefully folding a square piece of paper.

"What are you doing?" Madison asked, she was the curious and outspoken one of the two. The Go-getter, she took after him quite a bit, though her athletic prowess certainly came from her mother.

"Making something," Jane explained vaguely.

Morgan peered at his hands with an interested look but didn't say anything. She was the quizzical one that thought through her actions first but was often dragged along by Madison anyways. She took after her mother, but her keen interest in music and the arts, well he knew that came from him.

"But what is it?" Madison asked again, she wasn't content to sit and wait by any means.

Jane just grinned and finished folding the last little piece. He set it down on the ground in front of the two girls. "It's a frog!" Morgan declared, "like with the princess."

He nodded. "Yes, you could even try kissing it if you want, maybe you'll get a handsome prince."

Both girls giggled lightly at that and Morgan shook her head shyly but Madison grinned and leaned down as if to kiss the paper frog. But before she could the frog leaped into the air right at her face. The little girls shrieked and laughed, scooting away a bit as if afraid of the paper animal.

"Do it again!" Madison shouted.

"Again, again!" Morgan agreed, actually clapping her hands in delight.

Jane dutifully put the frog back down on the floor and pushed the back of it, making it hop towards the kids again. They shrieked every time it jumped, he couldn't help but laugh at their delighted faces.

"You like that?" He asked, mostly just to make conversations.

"Yeah!" Madison said, "You're funny."

"Like Jeffrey," Morgan piped in sweetly. Jane was aware of Lisbon's boyfriend probably soon to be fiancé and how close he was to the girls, he'd been vetted by Lisbon specifically for his ability to be a father. Jane had no doubt this man was as good of a father as he seemed, that didn't mean he had to like the idea of all of this. What he didn't know was why he cared so much.

"Do you like Jeffrey?" Jane asked, unable to resist asking that question.

Madison simply shrugged. "He's all right," her head was bent over the frog, trying to make it jump again but pressing down on the wrong area.

He was a bit surprised, that wasn't a rousing agreement like he assumed it would be. "What do you think, Morgan?"

Morgan considered the question for a minute. "He's nice. Grace says he might be our new daddy."

"Is that what you want?"

Madison and Morgan look at each other as if communicating without words then Madison piped in. "We want a daddy."

"But not Jeffrey?"

Both girls grew very silent which mean Jane knew he'd hit the nail on the head. That was unusual since Jeffrey was the one Lisbon had picked out and yet the girls weren't so enthused at that idea. It was strange, there was nothing repellant about him and the girls did like him…so why weren't they eager for him to become the father they obviously wanted?

"Is there something wrong with him?"

Morgan shrugged and looked down. "Mommy likes him…"

"Yes, she does," Jane agreed, "but…"

Madison looked into his eyes, the one who wasn't afraid to speak her mind. "We like Jeffrey, Mommy likes Jeffrey…but Mommy is supposed to _love_ Daddy."

"And Mommy doesn't love Jeffrey?"

Once again the girls looked at one another and then shrugged, clearly unsure but much more observant than anyone had ever given them credit for. They took after him in more than just the eyes.

He studied them and they just stared back. They wanted a father, what little girl wouldn't? But he wondered how much Lisbon had told them about _him_.

"What do you know about your daddy?"

"We don't have a daddy," Madison told him.

"What do you mean you 'don't have' one?"

"Some girls have doggies and some don't, some girls have daddies and some don't," Madison explained calmly, "we only have a mommy."

That kind of ridiculous claim could only have come from one person. "That's your mother talking." They simply looked up at him as if he held the answers they were seeking or maybe to wonder at why he was asking these questions. "If you could choose your daddy, who would he be?"

"I don't know," Madison admitted, she turned to look at her sister. "Wayne is nice."

"But Wayne already is a daddy to Ben," Morgan reminded her. "But Cho isn't a daddy, maybe he could be ours."

"Yeah! Cho can be our daddy."

Jane wondered how Cho would like the idea of him being second to Rigsby in the father selection game. Then the idea came to him…was _he_ on that list? He shouldn't think those things; he certainly had no right to be their father…except he had more of right then any man on this earth because they actually were his flesh and blood.

"Let's go ask him!" Madison exclaimed.

Jane looked back down at the girls, having completely lost track of what was going on. Apparently they were still thinking that Cho could be their father.

"Okay!" Morgan agreed and both girls scrambled to their feet so they could find Cho and ask the important question.

He thought about following them, mostly to see how Cho would handle the awkward situation but instead he stayed where he was. Morgan had left a small pink fabric flower; it had fallen off the little barrette in her hair. Jane picked it up and cupped it in his hand, staring at the frayed fabric.

A week ago he'd been alone on a beach thinking that all of the decisions he'd made were probably right.

Now…now he wasn't so sure.

* * *

Lisbon was always grateful for her team but especially in times like these when they were more than willing to play monkey-wranglers and keep an eye on her mischievous twins. Grace was the favorite of the team for obvious reasons; she was the second mother here and at home. Rigsby and Cho were a toss up though, she knew Rigsby was more likely to play with the girls but for some reason, Madison and Morgan adored Cho even in his aloofness. Maybe they could just sense that Cho loved them as much as they did.

It was impossible not to love her daughters; they were like two rays of sunshine peaking through the clouds. And they were loved back. This meant that Lisbon had no worries when it came to finding someone to keep an eye on them while she did a little work. Currently it was Rigsby who had volunteered that duty, picking up a quick meal for the two girls to eat in the break room before maybe wrangling up some movie to watch on Mommy's laptop.

For now the laptop was hers as she looked over all of the emails and reports she needed to finish before relinquishing it to her daughters and continuing on with the Branson murder. There had to be a way to tie it to Volker, a thread somewhere that connected it all.

"Some girls have dogs and other's don't." Lisbon looked up, startled. Jane was standing in the doorway with an amused look in his eyes. For a second she was back where she was five years ago when Red John was still a threat and she actually thought Jane might be saved. "Some girls have daddies and others don't." Jane closed the door and stepped in front of her desk. "That sort of ridiculous explanation could only come from you."

She glared at him but she wasn't sure for what reason exactly. Was it him being annoying? Making fun of her explanation to their daughters? Or simply being the coward that had run away from all of this in the first place.

In the end it didn't really matter.

"What was I supposed to do?" Lisbon asked, but she didn't wait for an answer.

"The truth is an option."

She raised an eyebrow at that. "You want me to tell my daughters that their father ran away when I told him I was pregnant?"

At least Jane looked a little ashamed by that statement. "I didn't leave because you were pregnant," he corrected, as if that technicality made a world of difference.

Actually it made it worse.

"No," She agreed, "You just left anyways. So I guess I should have just told them that they meant so little to their father that he didn't even bother to call…not once."

Well he couldn't very well deny that now could he?

Jane was quiet, looking down at the ground with his hands in his jacket pockets. It was a pose she'd seen a few times over the years, usually when he knew he needed to apologize but struggled with the words.

"But telling them that they didn't have a father seemed better?" Jane asked, avoiding any apology all together.

"They are barely four," Lisbon reminded him, "It's difficult to get them to understand _us_, especially since I barely understand it myself."

"And what about when they are older? Will you continue to just tell them that some girls simply don't have fathers?"

Lisbon sighed. "At that point, Jeffrey will have adopted them so there won't be a point."

Jane actually tensed up at that point and he immediately looked into her eyes, as if the statement startled him. "Jeffrey is going to adopt them?"

She put down her pen and met his gaze with all seriousness. "It's something we've talked about."

Jane stared back at her and she had no idea what he was thinking about, but she got the distinct feeling he was very uncomfortable with this. "I assume that means you are planning to marry him."

"He hasn't asked yet," Lisbon replied, crossing her arms over her chest, "but again, it's something we've talked about."

"The girls don't seem as keen to this idea."

"Madison and Morgan are four, they don't understand what is going on," Lisbon told him calmly, "They love Jeffrey."

"No, they _like_ Jeffrey," Jane corrected, "They made that distinction very clear."

"You're asking my daughters about Jeffrey?" Lisbon asked in a hiss. She hated the idea of Jane talking to her girls about Jeffrey…actually she hated the idea of Jane talking to her girls period.

"I thought I would find out more about the man from the source that matters most."

"Why do you care at all?"

Jane shrugged. "I did contribute to their existence, shouldn't I be concerned?"

"Your _contribution_ ended when you walked out the door," Lisbon replied angrily, "You didn't want to be their father so you don't have any say on the man who does."

He held up his hands. "Far be it from me to say Jeffrey isn't exactly who they need…of course that doesn't change the fact that they don't want him."

Lisbon stiffened at that statement. It was true; Madison and Morgan were less than enthused about the idea of Jeffrey becoming their father. She didn't quite understand it, they enjoyed seeing him and he was the perfect man to welcome into their lives. He loved them, she knew that.

"They'll come around," Lisbon said firmly.

Jane nodded. "If you marry him then they won't have much of a choice." She really hated the way he said that, as if she was going to force her daughters into this.

"What do you want, Jane?" Lisbon asked, exasperated, "I'm doing what is best for my daughters."

"Marriage?"

"To a good man who will be a good father," Lisbon finished.

He was studying her though, staring at her intently. She hated this, as if he was seeing right through her. Then he asked the question she feared the most these days.

"Do you love him?"

Lisbon was completely still at that question. It was not something she liked to think about, not love. Love was a poison, something that had only caused her pain. Whenever she loved she lost so much, it was why she'd been so careful this time. She'd used her head when looking for a guy…not what her feelings dictated.

"I'm probably going to marry him," Lisbon reminded him, as if that was an answer.

"That isn't what I asked."

She looked up and met his eyes again. "Yes, of course I love him."

Lisbon thought that Jane would be upset by that answer. But he looked strangely calm…and pleased.

He stood up straight, his eyes still boring into hers but there was a satisfaction in his gaze that wasn't there before. "You met Jeffrey through a blind date didn't you?"

Now she was confused. "How did you know that? And what does that have to do with anything?"

Jane ignored her questions though. "You decided that it was time your girls had a father, and no ordinary man you met on the street would do. So you asked around, told your friends to set you up with men they knew, emphasizing the necessity that they be good father figures."

She bristled at this little interrogation. "So what?"

He was still eyeing her, the same way he would read suspects on a case. "You would go on these dates with a list in mind. Good with kids, reasonable on discipline, mature, honest, must have a good character and so forth. Other things like looks and charm, all of that was just window dressing. You spent that first date imagining what kind of father he would be to the girls, and if you like what you imagined…then a second date was possible.

"Jeffrey checked off all of your little boxes," Jane continued, "and you didn't find fault with him on the second date, or the third, or the fourth. So you've continued the relationship and now you are confident that you have finally found the father you want for Madison and Morgan."

Lisbon sighed. "What does this have to do with anything?"

"You shouldn't marry Jeffrey," Jane told her, "it wouldn't be fair to either one of you."

"What?" She couldn't believe what he was saying.

"You shouldn't marry someone you don't love," he replied simply, "being a martyr for your children isn't going to make anyone happy."

"Excuse me? I just told you I love Jeffrey. What makes you think otherwise?"

Jane smiled and leaned forward to look deep into your eyes. "Because, Teresa. Even after five years…I still know when you are lying."

Lisbon sucked in a breath and held it as she stared back at him. She wanted to say something, anything…but that was proving damn near impossible when he was this close to her.

He gave her a soft smile. "You don't need to protest, I know you don't want to believe that…but you also already knew that yourself. It's why you haven't made up your mind yet, you want to do what is best for them…but you can't help what you don't feel." Jane leaned in closer. "The real question is…why don't you feel something for him? What's holding you back?"

She glared at him, no way was she going to answer that question. She wasn't even going to think about it. "Get out," she ordered, pointing a finger towards the door.

Jane was grinning now, slightly smug. He held up his hands in surrender and took a few steps towards the door. "In hindsight, it's obvious. If our four year old daughters can see it…so should you."

She grabbed a stapler as if to throw it at him but Jane dashed out the door. Lisbon set the stapler down and shook her head. The nerve of that man, coming in here to talk about her children and her life. She could marry Jeffrey if she wanted to.

And she did. He was a good father; a nice man and he loved her girls.

So what if there wasn't any…passion? What had passion brought her? Heartache and pain and two fatherless little girls. She didn't need passion…or attraction…or that lightening bolt of electricity whenever Jane smiled. She just needed a father to her daughters.

And that was Jeffrey.

Lisbon grabbed a pen to get back to work, satisfied with her conclusion. Work was what she needed to do right now. Work would silence the lone thought that was running through her head.

Jane had called them "our daughters"…and she'd felt something when she'd heard that.

But she couldn't think about that…it was much too dangerous.

* * *

It took a while for the file on Samantha Barker's death to be brought to the CBI, mostly because it was a very old case that took a while to track down and even longer to explain why she needed to see it. Eventually a courier brought the whole file to the office and Lisbon was able to sit down with the report.

Madison and Morgan were making a mess with their toys in their little play area. Lisbon glanced up every now and then to make sure they weren't throwing the toys at each other but was able to enjoy nearly an hour of peace without being interrupted.

The Samantha Barker file wasn't very thick but it wasn't cheery reading either. The worst part was the autopsy report which was very detailed, the coroner was thorough in documenting what every bruise and mark on her body probably meant, even providing a basic summary of what probably happened to her.

Bruises on her wrists and ankles showed ligature restraints, probably a cord or a rope, undoubtedly tied to a bed. There were some bruises on her arms and legs, maybe while attacking but probably just inflicted by her attacker, including heavier bruises on her breasts. Someone had cruelly squeezed her to cause pain.

But the worst were the darker bruises around her neck. There were several laid on top of each other, proving that someone had strangled her again and again, pattern could have been a scarf or a tie. He'd strangle her, then let her breathe and do so again. The coroner believed she probably passed out more than once. Vaginal bruising indicating some form of sexual activity but it was too late for any DNA to be found. But Samantha's diary said she was forced.

But she never gave a name.

Lisbon didn't need her to though, she knew exactly who did this to Samantha. There was no doubt that Volker had decided to indulge in his sadistic fantasies on this poor girl. What was worse was that she had taken her own life in the end, make no mistake, Lisbon held Volker responsible for Samantha's death…she just wished she could prove it.

"Mommy!"

Lisbon sighed and stood up from her desk, a small smile softening her lips. Yes she wanted to work but her best job was calling for her. "What is it?" She asked, stepping around the desk to take a better look at her girls.

Madison blinked up at her; one doll with messy, tangled hair was clutched in her fingers. "I'm hungry."

She almost rolled her eyes then. Her girls were always hungry, a constant reminder of where half of their genes came from. But fortunately she was prepared. Lisbon rifled through one of their matching backpacks and pulled out a zip lock bag of animal crackers and goldfish. These snacks would tide them over until dinner.

It was a mad dash for the food that made Lisbon laugh. "Slow down," she told them, directing her two girls to the little table where they could eat like actual human beings. Lisbon scrounged up two apple juice boxes to complete the snack break and grabbed handful of the cheese goldfish crackers for herself.

Lisbon knelt down on the floor next to them, reaching up to smooth Morgan's hair. "Mommy's so happy you're here," She said sweetly. It was the truth, yes it was an inconvenience and not feasible to continue for much longer…but she wished it was. It was hard being separated from them most of the day, the job didn't hold quite the same appeal as it used to now that she had two beautiful little girls to come home to.

"We like being here," Morgan said, a mouth full of animal cracker.

"Oh really?" she teased.

"Yep!" Madison replied "We like helping you!"

"And Cho and Wayne and Grace!" Morgan added quickly.

Lisbon laughed lightly and hugged Morgan. "They like having you here too, you're such a big help here."

"Almost the picture of the perfect family." She tensed up immediately when she heard that voice. Lisbon stood up slowly and turned around to see Volker's smug face in her doorway. He was smiling of course but she wasn't returning that favor. "Well, Teresa, you're daughters are charming. And quite lovely, the take after their mother."

She stiffened her spine and never took her eyes off him. "Girls, stay behind me." Her tone made it clear this wasn't negotiable, her daughters stared wide-eyed at the stranger before scurrying to hide behind their mother. Once she felt a little better about their safety, she addressed Volker again. "How did you get past security?"

"I'm a free man, Teresa," Volker reminded her, "I'm just here to talk to the lead investigator on my case."

"You could have done that over the phone."

"I find it's more informative face to face," He looked down at her daughters, "and otherwise I wouldn't have met your lovely daughters."

Anger surged through her veins at this, she hated that this man was breathing the same air as her girls. "You need to leave."

"No," Volker replied, shaking his head, "We need to talk about how your consultant came to see me yesterday."

"Jane is not my consultant anymore."

Volker wasn't fazed by that comment. "But you still require his help."

"He's volunteering," Lisbon replied, "I have no authority or control over him. His actions have nothing to do with me."

"His actions have everything to do with you and your daughters."

She really didn't like where this was going. "What do my daughters have to do with this."

He gave her a firm cold look. "You wouldn't want anything to happen to them because of something their father did."

Her eyes widened at the real threat and she took a step towards him. "Don't threaten my girls, Volker. You won't like it."

Now it was Volker's turn to step forward. "Is that a threat, Agent Lisbon?"

"Not at all. It's a promise."

"Be careful of what promises you make."

She stared at him for a long while, an intense match to see who would back down first. Madison reached up to tug on her sleeve. "Mommy, what's going on?"

Lisbon didn't take her eyes off him. "Nothing, sweetie. In fact, we're just leaving."

She was ushering her daughters to leave the office and get away but Volker grabbed her arm before she could take more than a step. "I'm not done talking with you."

"We have nothing more to say to each other," She said, trying to get out of reach.

But he had a grip like steel, probably from strangling women. That thought made her shiver. "I understand you've been looking into my past."

"It's standard procedure," Lisbon told him.

His eyes were hard and cold. "Leave what happened with Samantha alone."

"Why?" she asked mockingly, "Do you have something to hide?"

For a second there was real anger in his gaze. Then a smirk turned up his lips. "You remind me of her. Dark hair, pale skin, but she wasn't as strong as you."

A cold chill of fear swept through her, she hated how Volker was looking at her, like a snake about to devour a mouse. Lisbon didn't like this; she hated how this man made her feel, like she wasn't safe. Her gun. It was in her desk drawer, locked up so Madison and Morgan wouldn't find it…and now it was out of her reach. She could hit him if he kept up this unwanted touching…but then her girls would see and that thought terrified her.

So she put on a brave face. "You come near me or my family and you'll find out exactly how strong I am."

But Volker wasn't cowed, in fact he looked intrigued. His pupils dilated, making his eyes look almost black. "You're like a wild horse, needing to be broken." His voice was soft and chilling. He still had a firm grip on her arm but his free hand reached up to lightly trace her neck. "So small. Like a fragile bird, a man could wrap one hand around your throat easily."

"Mommy!" Morgan said, she sounded like she was afraid and close to tears. So was her mother.

"Stop touching her."

Jane's voice startled them both. It wasn't loud or accusing but firm and cold. Her eyes flicked over to see him standing in the doorway looking very calm…which meant he was very, very angry.

Volker might not have been afraid of Lisbon, but something in Jane's voice must have done the trick. He stepped back but still looked smug. "Ah, Mr. Jane. I was wondering if I would see you today."

"I was hoping I wouldn't," Jane replied easily.

"A shame," Volker said, "I suppose this means our conversation is over, Teresa. What a pity." Then he winked at her, "Still looking good, I'm going to enjoy this." He walked over and Jane stepped aside to let him leave, but not before he smiled at Jane. "Round two."

The air was still tense after he was gone but now Lisbon was caught just staring at Jane. She had no idea what he was thinking, she didn't know how to feel either. She was grateful he had come, grateful that he'd forced Volker to leave. But why was he still here? Why was he pretending to care?

Madison and Morgan wrapped their arms around her legs and she felt their soft hair with her fingertips, drawing comfort from their presence. "Hey," she said, squatting down to look at them. "Why don't you go see if Grace can get you some ice cream? Mommy needs to talk to Mr. Jane alone."

Her daughters didn't shriek or get excited about the prospect of their favorite treat. Instead they stared up at their mother with somber eyes, they knew something was wrong and undoubtedly had been frightened by what had happened with Volker even if they didn't understand it. But they dutifully walked out of the room, not before Jane gave them each a sweet smile that they returned. When Jane smiled it was impossible not to smile back.

They were alone after a moment, the door swinging shut behind him, the pitter-patter of little feet disappearing into the silence. Jane and Lisbon stared at one another and not for the first time she wished she could read his mind like he could hers.

She searched for words, wondering why he was looking a little disappointed in her, like she'd been keeping something from him. She wasn't. Not really, even if she wasn't willing to admit that this situation was very dangerous. But it wasn't anything she couldn't handle.

Not really.

"Thanks for getting him to leave," Lisbon told him, "he was…well you saw."

"Yes I did," Jane stated, his voice terse, "I saw him touching you…with the girls watching…and frightened."

"They weren't the only ones, Jane." She replied, but her voice was dismissive, as if everything was all right now.

Jane noticed. "Don't ignore what just happened."

"I'm not, I'm mad as hell that he threatened me and my daughters but that's all it was. I can't prove anything and he knows it. He's playing a game."

"A game he's winning."

Lisbon turned around and made her way back over to her desk, sitting down as if to say this conversation was over. "I'll take him down, Jane. I'm not giving up."

"Don't you understand what he is planning, Lisbon?"

"To stay out of prison."

"No, that isn't it." Jane told her, his voice was loud and insistent now, "and the fact that you can't see it scares the hell out of me." He pointed a finger at the file spread out open on her desk, the one that showed poor Samantha Barker. "You know what he did to her. And she was nothing to him but a training ground; he's refined his torture now. Worse…he wants real revenge. He's going to wring out ever last drop of blood from you…and that's after he uses you in his sick little games."

Lisbon was very quiet for a long moment, just breathing in deeply, staring at the picture of Samantha. "I know," she said softly, then looked up to meet Jane's eyes, "I know."

Jane stared at her, his eyes filled with surprise. "But you aren't afraid."

"I am," she told him.

"Not enough."

She shrugged. "I can't be afraid for myself. I have two other people I need to protect."

"That isn't it."

"Just let it go, Jane," Lisbon stated, "Just stop."

He looked angry at that suggestion. "No. I'm here to help you."

"You're here because Cho dragged you back," Lisbon retorted, "Don't pretend otherwise. If you'd had it your way you would still be up in Maine staring at crab pots and I'd be here taking care of this _myself_."

Jane was quiet…and he didn't deny it. That proof cut her deep, she thought she'd been finished feeling that pain but apparently not. She hated that. "But I am here."

"For how long?" she asked then shook her head in disgust. "Just leave me alone."

"Lisbon, this is serious. You have to realize what kind of man he is. You have to—."

"I have to do what?" Lisbon asked, leaping to her feet. "Trust you?" Jane shut his mouth but his eyes told her enough. She let out a low bitter laugh. "That's rich, Jane. I should trust you to help me. _You_."

She glared at him, a look of pure poison. Anger flooded her system…maybe that would explain why she decided not to take any prisoners. "You want the truth? Can you even recognize honesty or is that too difficult for someone who is incapable of it?"

"Lisbon…"

"Shut up!" she shouted. Lisbon took in a few deep breaths, but it did nothing to calm her, instead she lashed out. "The truth is that I'm not afraid of Volker, I'm not afraid of what he wants to do to me because I know that no matter what pain he inflicts it will _never_ hurt me like you did. You cannot imagine the pain you put me through, Jane. Getting shot, stabbed, slapped, none of that compares to the gut wrenching _torture_ of watching you walk out that door."

It all kept tumbling out, every single truth he didn't know. "Do you have any idea what it is like to give yourself away to someone completely? I gave you _everything_. My heart. My body. My soul. My dignity. I had nothing left. You ripped every part of me away and then tore it to shreds right in front of me. I let you do whatever you wanted, to demean me into nothing more than your whore if that was what you needed and you gladly took every thing I offered into your greedy little hands because that is what you do. You take things. You take what you want and then disappear. And when you want to leave then you do, nothing matters. Not the woman who loved you so much she destroyed herself, certainly not the children you created out of your twisted lust and selfish desires."

She felt hot tears spilling down her cheeks but she didn't care. She was finally fighting back at him…with her words. "You have never felt that pain of losing every part of you. Do you know what I did? I lay there crumpled on the floor because it was too much. Like a weight crushing me because I had no one and nothing, I was nothing more than a ghost of who I used to be because you took that woman who loved you so much and killed her with your cowardice. So no, Jane. I'm not afraid of Volker and what he wants to do to me because I've survived all of that. I survived you.

"And you are a hell of a lot worse than him."

There was nothing left. No other words came out of her lips. Silence followed except for her ragged breaths as she took in angry gulps of air.

Jane had remained completely still throughout her speech. He hadn't moved a muscle, barely even blinked. She tried to see emotions in his eyes but there was nothing but blankness. Lisbon had to admit…she'd never seen him like that. Not once.

Then he turned and walked out the door.

Lisbon stared at the empty spot for a long time before collapsing onto the chair again. She buried her face into her hands, now that she was alone she let herself sob again but she didn't know exactly why she was crying. Was it the reminder of the pain she'd endured for so long or because she hadn't realized that she was capable of such cruelty? Jane had taught her a lot it seemed.

It was still hard for her to remember that woman who had lay curled up in a ball on the floor sobbing her guts out because the man she loved, the father of her children…walked out of her life like she was nothing. It hurt even worse to remember how much she'd sacrificed for him, so much so that she hadn't recognized herself in the end.

It took far too long for her to pick herself up and become herself again…even if she knew she'd never truly be herself again.

And now Jane was back. He was back and he was the only person that could break her again.

Which is why he needed to leave because she couldn't risk it. Not again. Not even if a part of her wondered if he'd changed his mind. If it was even possible.

She couldn't go back.

* * *

A/N: Whoo I especially enjoyed that last scene, I guess I'm evil like that but I loved Lisbon really putting her pain into words like that.

Next chapter: Jane decides he should leave but he has to get around Cho and his own desire to stay first hehehe. But he also uncovers a shocking truth about Jeffrey...but it is Lisbon's response that really throws Jane for a loop. And when Lisbon asks Jane for a favor...his choice changes everything.


	6. In the Pain, There is Healing

Disclaimer: I own nothing

A/N: Whew I know it took a while but I finished Secluded in Red and then was a naught writer and indulged my muse on two as of yet new and unpublished ideas LOL. But I finally got my butt in gear and got back to work on this fic. I'm stunned by the great reception the last scene got, I'm so happy it was powerful enough to touch you guys and you felt her anger and pain. I'm proud of this chapter, it's a BIG turning point in the fic and I hope you guys enjoy it.

**Anonymous Reviews:**

**Carla:** Of course I'm finishing this fic. I'm sorry but I don't have your email address, it didn't come through. Please tweet it to me if you want to know more or sign in to the site

**Jessica:** LOL I'm going through withdrawal too but here is an update to give you a fix.

**Anonymous: **Uhhh after this chapter you might not want Lisbon to marry Jeffrey so much

**Kate:** Thanks. I think Jane does talk aloud to fake Lisbon which is why he's always alone when she shows up LOL.

**wickyvicky:** I'm so glad that last scene touched you so much, I was actually feeling Lisbon's anger too when I wrote it. The girls are still in the dark about who their father is but you'll see what happens when they do find out.

**qmione:** LOL I almost did include that scene, but it wouldn't have done anything to further the plot

**Anonymous:** THANKS! LOL I'm happy that last scene went over so well, I wanted it to be powerful.

**Anonymous: **I aim to please hehehe. I guess the appeal of that last scene was unanimous, I'm so happy people enjoyed it.

* * *

Chapter 6: In the Pain, There is Healing

_The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight_

_Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time_

_I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts_

_I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out_

_I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing_

_With a broken heart that's still beating_

_In the pain, there is healing_

_In your name I find meaning_

_So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on_

_I'm barely holdin' on to you_

_The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head_

_I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead_

_I still see your reflection inside of my eyes_

_That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life_

_I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing_

_with a broken heart that's still beating_

_In the pain (in the pain), is there healing_

_In your name (in your name) I find meaning_

_So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')_

_I'm barely holdin' on to you_

_I'm hangin' on another day_

_Just to see what you throw my way_

_And I'm hanging on to the words you say_

_You said that I will be OK_

_The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone_

_I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home_

_I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing_

_with a broken heart that's still beating_

_In the pain(In the pain) there is healing_

_In your name I find meaning_

_So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),_

_I'm barely holdin' on to you_

_I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),_

_I'm barely holdin' on to you_

_~Broken by Lifehouse_

* * *

Jane didn't stop when he left Lisbon's office, didn't stop when he made it to the hallway or the parking lot. Just hightailed it to his rental car and headed straight for his cheap hotel room. It was a blur, he couldn't even say exactly how he finally made it to his temporary bed but now he was determined to stop this entirely. This was a mistake, he never should have come, should have just told Cho to go back to California without him. Now he was even more confused, even more hurt.

Well no more.

_"Do you have any idea what it is like to give yourself away to someone completely? I gave you _everything_. My heart. My body. My soul. My dignity. I had nothing left. You ripped every part of me away and then tore it to shreds right in front of me._

He grabbed his lone suitcase out of the small closet and set it on the bed and began to just throw his clothes into it. Jane didn't care about how things were fitting inside; he wanted to be able to leave as soon as possible

_"You have never felt that pain of losing every part of you. Do you know what I did? I lay there crumpled on the floor because it was too much. Like a weight crushing me because I had no one and nothing, I was nothing more than a ghost of who I used to be because you took that woman who loved you so much and killed her with your cowardice."_

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" The fantasy Lisbon was back and obviously pissed if her voice was any indication.

"What does it look like I'm doing?"

She was standing firm, looking at him with an angry glint in her eye but a hint of fear too. "No, you cannot do this."

"I already am."

"You stop this right now."

Jane just tossed another shirt into the suitcase. "No."

But she held her ground. "You are not going to leave, Volker is still out there and you know exactly what he is going to do to me and our girls."

"You don't want me here. You heard what you said, everything that I did to you."

"Oh boo hoo," fantasy Lisbon mocked, "Poor you. Honesty hurts you, guess what? You hurt me. You destroyed me. You treated me like a two-dollar whore and then walked out when I was pregnant. That wasn't exactly a party."

Jane stopped what he was doing to let the pain wash over him. He'd known he'd done something terrible, he'd even known that he'd probably hurt her beyond anything she'd ever felt before. It wasn't just because he'd walked away from her but from how he'd treated her before. The thing he found incomprehensible was that she'd let him.

"Maybe you should take a page from my book and try a bit of honesty?" she suggested, her voice softening a little bit. "What made you do it? Why would you turn to something like that? Why did you take me and then discard me?"

He shook his head. "I don't know."

"Yes you do. You don't treat the woman you love like that for no reason." Jane was quiet, sitting down on the bed as he thought about that statement. It was true, there was a reason, it didn't make it right though. "What happened with Red John really tore you up," she pointed out.

Jane nodded. "Losing you was not something I could comprehend."

"You almost did."

He stared straight ahead, memories haunting him, memories of one of, if not the worst moment of his life. "You stood there, that knife to your throat and all you did was stare at me. I couldn't do anything but watch as that knife cut into your skin and I…I knew I'd failed you."

"But I didn't die," she reminded him.

"No, but it wasn't from my doing."

"So what? I'm here, I'm alive. Why didn't you accept that as a victory?"

Jane sighed. "I'm grateful you are alive, you have no idea how grateful I am…but it doesn't let me off the hook for what happened. I got you into that mess, I was the one that was forced to watch as he almost killed you…and afterwards you still wanted me."

"I loved you," Lisbon pointed out.

"That was stupidest thing you ever did."

She let out a low chuckle. "I can't argue with that. Is that why you treated me so badly? Why you wanted to leave so much? You wanted me to let you go."

"It didn't work."

"I'm stronger willed then you like to admit. I didn't want you to leave, I refused to let you sink further then you already have…and I tried to give you a reason."

"Having a reason to stay was never the problem," Jane explained, "You were the only think that ever kept me sane. What I needed was proof that I could stay without hurting you."

"I guess in the end you failed yourself," she pointed out, "Because leaving hurt me more than anything you would have done otherwise. And you think repeating that mistake will make everything better?"

"I don't know if there is any way I can fix this."

"Trying is a good start," his fantasy pointed out. "You have me and two absolutely beautiful daughters. Those girls are already starting to work on you, I know it, I can feel it. You are already starting to love them."

"My love is dangerous."

"No, what you've done with that love is what is dangerous but love itself is incredibly powerful." Lisbon continued calmly, "love for them, for me…that is what is making this so hard because this is a reason…a reason to stop repeating everything you have done in the past."

Jane sighed. "I don't know if I can do this."

"You won't know…not until you try." Lisbon pointed out, "But you do know what you want…so take it."

* * *

_ "I'm telling you it's the truth," Rigsby explained again. "I saw an email on her computer, she was talking to the head of ISP about possibly moving to Chicago."_

_ "Lisbon wouldn't leave the CBI," Grace declared, "she loves it here."_

_ "Then why would she be talking to ISP?"_

_ "Maybe they are trying to recruit her? It's happened before but she always says no."_

_ "It looked like she started this," Rigsby explained._

_ "You read her email?" Grace asked, aghast that he had violated Lisbon's privacy like that._

_ Rigsby colored at that accusation. "I just saw a glimpse of it, I didn't mean to read it." She rolled her eyes, knowing that excuse was a poor one. _

_ Cho was the one who saw the big picture. "She's thinking about moving."_

_ Grace looked down, saddened. "But why? Is it because of Jane? Is it too hard to be here since he's gone now?"_

_ She was the romantic one, thinking that maybe memories of Jane haunted their friend and that she wanted to escape them. It was an interesting idea but one they couldn't prove. The only way they could know for sure was if they heard it from Lisbon herself._

_ That afternoon after a quiet day, they confronted her in the bullpen. Lisbon turned her eyes down when they mentioned Rigsby seeing the email and their fears that she was leaving. Finally she admitted, "Yes it is something I have been considering."_

_ They were all shocked…and hurt by this statement. "Why?" Grace asked, she was ready to cry actually. First Jane now Lisbon was lost to them._

_ "It's not about you guys," Lisbon told them, "You are the reason why this is so hard for me. But I'm going to have twins. Two babies and I…I'm not going to have Jane there to help me with this. I'm not a fool, I know I'm going to need help and my family is in Chicago."_

_ Lisbon looked down at her already rounding stomach; she was showing earlier than she would have liked but apparently that par for the course with twins. "I can't do this by myself," she said pitifully, "I just can't…I'm so sorry."_

_ Her team accepted this news badly but they didn't let her see it. After the workday was over all three of them met at their local bar to discuss what could be done. There was never any talk of letting her go, that was not acceptable. Lisbon couldn't leave, they didn't want her to and they certainly did not want to work under anyone else. Their family was already partly broken; losing Lisbon would ensure that it was shattered._

_ Options were discussed over how to get Lisbon to agree and it was Cho who came to real idea that they would have to step up and give her hand. Grace was the one who realized that she could offer the most…but the real question was if Lisbon would be willing to accept this proposal._

_ They found out the next day when she walked into the bullpen and was surprised to find a business like atmosphere. "What is going on?" Lisbon asked, one hand resting on her stomach as one of her babies kicked._

_ "We don't want you to go." Rigsby said softly._

_ "I know," Lisbon replied, "I don't want to go either. But I don't really have a choice."_

_ "Yes you do," Cho stated._

_ She raised an eyebrow. "You suggest that I somehow manage to work this job and raise twins by myself?"_

_ "No."_

_ "Then what are you suggesting?"_

_ Grace stepped forward. "We'll help."_

_ Lisbon shook her head. "I can't ask that of you."_

_ "You aren't asking, but we are going to help anyways."_

_ "How exactly?" Lisbon asked, she didn't believe that they could come up with a way to help her stay. She didn't want to burden them with something they shouldn't have to carry; she really didn't want to mess with their own lives._

_ Grace smiled at her. "I'll move in with you."_

_ "What?"_

_ "My lease is up in two months so it won't be a bother. You and I can look for a bigger place for the babies and I'll be able to watch out for you during your pregnancy, and after the twins are born I'll be able to help you at home." Grace pointed out._

_ Lisbon shook her head. "No, Grace, you can't do this."_

_ "Why not? I'll help pay the rent if you want. With two incomes you shouldn't have to worry, we can put them in daycare or hire a nanny for when you go back to work."_

_ "But you have your own life," Lisbon reminded her._

_ "And me being your roommate will stop that?"_

_ "A roommate that is going to help me take care of two babies?" Lisbon asked doubtfully._

_ Grace smiled. "I want to. I'm looking forward to it." She looked back at her other teammates. "We all are. We can't wait for these babies to be born so we can meet them."_

_ Lisbon still didn't look sure. "I can't ask you guys for this. It's too much."_

_ "We're doing it," Cho stated. "Get used to it."_

_ She gave him a hard look but softened when she saw how all three of them were firmly set in this. "Why? Why do you want to do this?"_

_ "We don't want you to go," Rigsby said, "we don't want to work for anyone else…and we don't want to lose another member of our family."_

_ Lisbon sank down in a nearby chair, tears spilling down her cheeks, they came so easily nowadays. "God you guys are stubborn." She brushed another tear away from her cheek. "Do I have a choice?"_

_ "No."_

_ She almost laughed then before nodding her head. "All right…I'll stay, you twisted my arm," she said with a wry smile._

_ They didn't hug on it but the shared smiles were enough. It hadn't taken much because she hadn't wanted to leave in the first place. Besides, deep down she knew it was better this way. Her babies might not have a mother and a father but they would have two families, one in blood and another rooted in a love that was just as powerful._

_And Lisbon hoped that would be enough for them._

* * *

Madison and Morgan were once again adding their sunny presence at the CBI and Jane did what he could to avoid them. Unfortunately he was terrible at it, his eyes followed his two unacknowledged daughters whenever they came by. He wasn't even supposed to be here, had packed his bags to leave but his own conscience had forced him to stay, to see this through. He wasn't quite up to "trying" like his Fantasy Lisbon suggested…but damn if the idea didn't seem appealing.

Jane was procuring himself a cup of tea when he heard the quick patter of feet running into the room. He turned around in time to watch Madison and Morgan burst through the door like cheerful little puppies. They stopped abruptly when they saw him, as if suddenly remembering their manners. But he smiled at them, how could he not? "Hello there."

"Hi, crazy man," Madison said back while Morgan just shyly giggled.

He studied both of them. "Are you here for something?" They nodded their heads, still giggling a little. "Something to eat perhaps?" They nodded again and Jane grinned a little before turning his attention to the break room fridge. "Let's see we have an old sandwich which smells like it might be from last week…any takers?"

"No!" they both shouted, wrinkling their cute little noses in disgust but still giggled.

Jane turned back to the fridge. "Then we have some left over soup and nutella."

"No!"

"Individual packets of applesauce?" Jane asked, knowing that it was going to be the clear winner.

"Yes!" Madison exclaimed enthusiastically while Morgan nodded her approval. Jane pulled out two packets and set them on the table before scrounging up two plastic spoons from a drawer. He watched as they climbed up into the chairs to eat their snack, oblivious to how monumental this really was.

It was a simple thing really; the girls were hungry so he found them something to eat. But in the big picture he had actually provided for their needs, just as his biological role of father intended. He had done it without any other thought, just as if he had done it every day. He could practically hear his fantasy Lisbon chiding him _"You see, you _can_ do it. Now quit being a wimp and admit you want it!"_

"There you are." Jane turned to see that Lisbon's boyfriend and would-be fiancé was back. He was surprised because he hadn't even known that he was there. Jeffrey looked at Jane warily before keeping his attention on the girls. "You were supposed to wait for me."

"We were hungry," Madison explained, her mouth still full of applesauce.

"I could have brought you something."

"The crazy man got this," Morgan told him, holding up a spoonful of the food, a big glob of it splattered on to the tabletop.

Jeffrey turned his eyes to Jane who simply shrugged. "It was in the fridge." He noted with a smirk that Jeffrey actually relaxed after that statement, the man really didn't like the idea of Jane helping out with the girls.

Madison chose that moment to dump the applesauce into her lap. Instinctively Jane reached for a dishtowel but Jeffrey muscled his way over and grabbed some inferior napkins to try and clean up the mess. Madison whined a little about her lost snack but Jane was a little more interested in Jeffrey's phone that he had set on the counter, all but forgotten in his need to show up Jane.

The phone buzzed with an incoming text message and Jane had no qualms about reading it.

The contact was apparently named Val, Jane assumed it was short for Valerie but the text itself was far more interesting.

_Hey babe I miss u. Will I see you tonight?_

Jane stared at the phone for a while and watched as a hand reached over and snatched it up. Jeffrey was looking at anywhere but Jane. "My sister," Jeffrey muttered.

Jane shrugged. "I guess you owe her a visit."

"Yeah," he replied. Jeffrey lifted Madison out of her seat, her shirt still covered with applesauce. "Come on girls, let's go clean up and we can get some lunch with Mommy." With that Jeffrey led them out of the room and didn't glance at Jane again.

He watched them go, the loss of their presence hurt him again. He'd enjoyed that feeling of having those girls to himself and did not deny that he resented the man that was claiming them as his own.

Grabbing the discarded dishtowel, Jane cleaned up the spilled applesauce and threw out the plastic spoons and containers. He tried to avoid where his mind was taking him but that was pointless, not when he secretly delighted in what he knew.

Perhaps Lisbon and Jeffrey were better suited for each other than they realized, at the very least they were both very bad liars. Jane doubted Jeffrey even had a sister, even if he did her name certainly wasn't Val. He shouldn't be happy by the idea that Lisbon's boyfriend was undoubtedly cheating on her…but it made him certain that her already tenuous relationship was certainly doomed.

He could hear his Fantasy Lisbon in his mind again. _"Yep…so what are you going to do about it?"_

Damned if he knew.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Lisbon was in hell.

Looking through Volker's past wasn't easy. Either the man had bribed the right people or he managed to put on saintly airs when he wanted to, she had a feeling it was probably both. That and anyone who couldn't be tricked or bought met some untimely end.

She was driving back from meeting one of Volker's Stanford buddies who had wound up here. The man had done nothing but sing Volker's praises while also commenting on the tragedy of Samantha's death. Basically she was getting nowhere with this case and for some inexplicable reason Jane had come along for the ride but hadn't spoken a word.

Finally the silence got to her and she glared at him. "Did you come as window dressing or is there a reason for this?"

"Huh?" Jane asked, as if he hadn't heard her. Maybe he had been alone in his thoughts.

Lisbon shook her head. "Never mind, just wondering why the scenery is so fascinating to you."

"I was thinking," he admitted, turning to look straight ahead now instead of out of the passenger window.

"About the case?"

"No."

Lisbon rolled her eyes; she didn't particularly care what Jane was thinking about if it didn't have anything to do with catching Volker and then getting out of her life. They both lapsed into silence until Jane asked. "Does Jeffrey have a sister?"

She was startled by that question. "What?"

"Your boyfriend? Does he have a sister?"

"Why do you want to know?"

"I have a hunch."

Lisbon shook her head, not entirely sure what Jane's game was but not really caring either. "No. Jeffrey has an older brother but no sisters."

"Interesting," Jane said, out of the corner of her eye she could see a smirk on his face. "I thought as much."

"If you didn't think he had a sister then why did you ask?"

"It isn't important," Jane told her.

Lisbon thought about hitting him for a moment for even bringing it up then. "Fine, whatever."

But Jane wasn't done yet. "Do you trust him?"

She glanced at him. "Of course I do. A lot more than I trust you."

Jane nodded. "Okay, different question. How long have you known that he's been cheating on you?"

She almost swerved the car into the next lane. The blow was hard, she felt it everywhere, the shame and humiliation of that declaration. It took her a moment to realize that she'd been very silent for far too long and Jane was now staring at her hard, like he was trying to get her to crack. "I…" she lost her voice for another moment before shaking her head. "No, this is ridiculous. Jeffrey isn't cheating on me."

But even Lisbon knew her voice was wrong, it was too low, too sad, too…indifferent.

And Jane knew it.

"I know you've seen the signs," Jane pointed out, "you're too good of a cop to not know. So why are you still with him?"

Lisbon closed her eyes for a second, a wave of fatigue crashing over her. "You don't know for sure that he is cheating."

"There was a message on his phone," he said.

"You're snooping through his phone?"

"No, he left it for all the world to see. But there was a text from a woman named Val who wanted to see him tonight," Jane continued, "And Jeffrey lied and said it was from his sister."

Lisbon swallowed at that bit of information, really the first hard proof she'd had that her boyfriend was seeking pleasure elsewhere. But she gritted her teeth and pressed on. "It's not enough, you don't know for sure."

"When am I ever wrong?"

She hated that question because she knew it was impossible to get out of it. Now she was going to have to admit just how pathetic she really was. "Even if he is…it doesn't change anything."

Jane stared at her as if he couldn't quite believe she'd said that. She shouldn't have been surprised though, a few years ago if she'd found out her boyfriend was cheating on her she'd probably knee him in the balls…not simply accept it. "Why are you with him?" Jane asked, still astonished. "He doesn't love you."

Lisbon just shrugged. "I don't need love."

"Everyone needs love. You deserve love."

"I don't _want_ it!" She shouted back at him. "All love gave me is pain. I'm done with it. I need a father for my girls and Jeffrey is wonderful at that, he is so good with them. And if we don't love each other? So what? At least it means I'm not going to be broken again." Lisbon took in another breathe, not sure where that all came from,

"So you rather be with someone you don't love just for the sake of having a father figure for our girls?" Jane asked, he sounded shocked…and hurt.

"Yes." He actually flinched at her quick response and there was no hiding the shame she felt. But she'd checked her emotions at the door a long time ago, this had never been about finding love again. Her daughters needed a father and she needed someone who wouldn't hurt her. It worked.

They were quiet again with Jane feeling guilt for being the one who broke her to this point and Lisbon feeling shame for condoning what she knew Jeffrey was doing. Jane sighed heavily. "I'm sorry...for everything."

Lisbon just nodded, her voice was soft. "You should be"

"I know."

"Good."

The silence followed once more and Lisbon concentrated on driving and tried not to think about what Jane had officially revealed and what she had admitted about herself. Maybe the idea of being in a relationship for her children and not love spoke about her desire to be a mom…but it made her feel weak too. Like those women who condoned their husbands affairs for the sake of appearances.

She would never judge them again.

"You still shouldn't marry him," Jane broke the silence.

"Why not?" Lisbon asked, "Just because he's cheating doesn't mean he's a bad father."

"A good father is a good man," Jane pointed out, "clearly he fails in that area."

Lisbon shook her head. "I don't need a good husband, the only part that matters is that he loves my girls."

"You're making a mistake."

"I already did," Lisbon told him, "no mistake now will hurt me as much as that."

He didn't say anything for the rest of the drive. Neither did she.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Lisbon focused on what she was good at, her job and her kids. Unfortunately it was becoming clear that the Samantha lead was rapidly approaching a dead end. Jane insisted that only meant they had to dig deeper into Volker's past but Lisbon was feeling that same fear that Volker was finally going to get away with this one. That same knot in her stomach had been there for months when he'd first gotten away with murder all of those years ago, she'd only gotten rid of it after finally shooting and cuffing him…with the help of Jane.

Would Jane be enough this time?

She didn't know, that's what frightened her and Volker knew far too much for comfort.

Madison and Morgan were unaware of the danger that their family was in, all they knew was that they got to spend time with their mother and that they wanted chicken nuggets for dinner. Grace and Lisbon got to work on doing just that, Grace put the chicken in the oven to bake for twenty minutes while their mother fixed up some instant macaroni and some canned green beans to go with it. Healthier alternatives could be made on the weekend when they weren't so busy.

The twins didn't mind, making a mess as they wolfed their dinner down before racing to the living room to make another mess. It was enough to run both adults ragged and Lisbon privately thought that she knew she couldn't do this alone. One kid was hard enough, two would have been impossible.

They were still wrangling the wild little girls when Lisbon heard the doorbell ring. Before she could get to it, Madison and Morgan both raced for the door in their pajamas. "Hi, Jeffrey!" Madison said as soon as she saw the visitor.

Lisbon felt another flutter of shame. Of course Jeffrey would come by…she just wished she wanted to see him.

"Hey," Jeffrey said, walking right up to her to give her a chaste kiss. He didn't know that she knew about whoever his other woman was…not that she was going to say anything anyways. "Everything all right?"

"Yeah," Lisbon said, forcing a happy voice. "Just hectic, you know how the girls can be."

Jeffrey nodded and quickly set about to help out the two woman. The girls were still wild but with three adults that meant there was always one that was free to round them up. More than that Jeffrey was just good with them, they listened to him when he gave them a request and dutifully followed him up the stairs to their room.

Grace took the opportunity to head up to her own room to probably shower and go to bed, or hide away to give Jeffrey and Lisbon some alone time. Lisbon remained downstairs thinking about what she knew about Jeffrey and what she had just seen. He was so great with her girls, he knew exactly how to take care of them, never said a harsh word but was firm in discipline. He worked with kids all day; of course he would love two adorable twin girls.

When she'd met him she'd seen that, she'd recognized that he could help her take care of her daughters. She hadn't been looking for a good husband or a passionate lover; she just wanted someone who would help.

And really she couldn't blame him for cheating. The first time they had kissed all she'd felt a bit like doing chores, she'd planned it all out. Kiss on the third date; meet the girls after the fourth and sex on the seventh. The sex between them had never been great and Lisbon couldn't help but wonder if it was her. She wasn't attracted to Jeffrey, he wasn't bad looking but…she didn't really want any man. She'd put the walls up intentionally and she'd never let Jeffrey through, not really. Her heart was never in this and deep down Lisbon wondered if he knew how much she faked her desire, how she lay there and let her mind wander…or fantasized about other times that usually involved the real father of her children. Jeffrey might recognize that she didn't love him…and he didn't love her.

But he loved her girls.

So he sought out his passion elsewhere while getting the family he wanted with her. It worked…even if it made her feel ashamed that she was so damn pathetic.

Jeffrey came back down and smiled sweetly at her. "Those two can wear a man out."

"Try staying with them all day," Lisbon replied with a wry grin.

"Looking forward to it," Jeffrey told her genuinely. She believed that, she was certain that Jeffrey wanted to be a father to Madison and Morgan. He wanted to be a dad. He'd told her that several times and even made a few references to having a kid with _her_.

That was another problem. Lisbon wasn't sure she wanted to have more kids. She'd wanted one and gotten two, she was so grateful for her daughters but the idea of having Jeffrey's child just exhausted her.

Jeffrey took a seat next to her on the sofa, grabbing her hand. "So…I saw Jane at the office."

She flinched, she couldn't help it. He only reminded her over what Jane had said in the car. "Really?" she pretended that this was the first time she'd heard of it.

"Yeah, he still hasn't left yet?"

"Volker is still free and still harassing my team," Lisbon explained, "He's determined to stay until it's over."

"And the girls?"

Lisbon shrugged. "I already told you, Jane doesn't want anything to do with them."

"He was fixing them a snack."

Now that really was news to her. "He was?"

Jeffrey nodded. "I don't like how comfortable he's getting with them."

She scoffed at that. "Jane is far from wanting to be their father. Believe me, I let him know exactly what I thought of him and what he did to me. He just ran off after that."

Jeffrey considered that, relaxing a bit at the knowledge that she had basically told his 'rival' off. Lisbon ignored how incredibly primal that was, especially considering what Jeffrey was probably doing when he wasn't with her. "Has he mentioned the girls?"

"A couple of times," Lisbon admitted, "But he's never said anything about wanting to stay, if anything I think he is still determined to leave once this is over."

"Good…I don't want him near them."

She tensed a little at that statement. She didn't want Jane near her girls either but it wasn't because Jane was necessarily a bad person. He'd been amazing with kids in the past and she was sure he was a good father to his first daughter. But Jane was broken and that meant he couldn't be what they needed…she'd tried to fix him and failed and wound up broken herself in the process.

And she wasn't sure if she was fixed either.

"It will be better once he leaves," Lisbon said softly.

Jeffrey nodded. "Maybe you should take this opportunity though."

"Opportunity?"

He turned to look at her. "We've been talking about the future and it might be time to get really serious about this."

If Jeffrey pulled out a diamond ring right then and there she would probably stop breathing all together. "You know we've talked about me adopting the girls once we get married…but to do that he needs to sign away his parental rights officially."

She almost breathed a sigh of relief. "I remember."

"Don't you think now is a good time?"

"Now? With Volker on the loose?"

"But he's here," Jeffrey pointed out. "He's here and you should make the final steps to cut him out of your life entirely."

Lisbon considered that for a while. "He's not in my life anymore."

"Then it shouldn't be a problem."

"It's not," Lisbon said, "he doesn't want to be in the girls life."

"Good, he'll sign the papers and we can continue with our plan."

Lisbon nodded. "Yeah, we can." She didn't tell him how she had her own doubts on that plan…sometimes. It was hard for her to really picture being married to Jeffrey, to actually tie herself to this guy when she wasn't exactly happy with him. But this wasn't about her happiness was it? "You're right. I'll get him to sign the papers tomorrow."

Jeffrey smiled at her, he was completely relaxed now and happy. Lisbon felt a little bit of relief that she had managed to settle this, to maybe calm down this storm. "Are you going to stay the night?" she asked, not sure if she wanted him to say yes or no.

"Sorry, I can't. I have to meet a friend."

It was that same vague line that had first gotten her suspicious over what was happening. Then he started smelling like another woman's perfume once or twice. But like the same women she despised, she just stuck her head in the sand.

"Okay," she said.

Jeffrey gave her another quick kiss before leaving her alone. She sat on the couch staring at the closed door reminding herself that this was the man her children needed. He was a good father, that was all that mattered.

She didn't really deserve happiness anyways.

* * *

After the car ride confession, which left Jane more than a little surprised and upset, he did what he could to avoid seeing Lisbon the rest of the day. He honestly wasn't sure what upset him more, the fact that Lisbon was still planning to stay with a man who was cheating on her or that apparently _he_ was the blame for her callous attitude on her own love life.

There was no point in denying what was obvious; his treatment of her had left her with many scars. It was unsettling to hear her talk about love like a poison, the Lisbon he'd known had always been quietly hopeful. She wasn't that way anymore, no, now she was bitter about it and resigned. She was sacrificing her own happiness for what she believed was best for her girls, that nobility wasn't anything knew but her rational was obviously flawed. Deep down she knew it but she didn't seem to care, she was more focused on not leaving herself vulnerable to be hurt again.

Rigsby left early, obviously he still got custody of his son on Wednesdays. Lisbon stayed in her office with her own children while the remaining members of the team wrapped up their work for the day. Jane stayed where he was, on his couch and thinking about everything that was happening.

Volker was still very much a threat, while he'd remained in the shadows today, Jane was certain that it was only a matter of time before he made his first move. Samantha was a dead end, they would have to dig deeper into Volker's past. Is reaction to them doing so had been interesting, it meant there had to be _something_ he didn't want found. The hard part was just finding it.

And after that…then what? Jane supposed he should just go back to Maine to live the rest of his life as a quiet hermit, at least he wouldn't be able to do anymore damage to Lisbon again. As for the girls…he did what he could to not think about them.

He was still trying to avoid that subject when Grace softly came up to his couch. Jane had been so lost in his head that he hadn't even heard her. The woman hadn't said much to him since he'd come back, none of them had actually but Grace most of all. She was the one who was helping to care for his daughters; it made sense if she was even more miffed than the guys.

"Is there something you want?" Jane asked.

She looked a little out of sorts, which was unusual of itself. Then she held out a small disc. "Cho told me to give this to you."

He stared at the disc for a moment before meeting her eyes again. "What is this?"

"Video from when the girls were born."

Jane tensed at that statement, he wasn't sure if he really wanted to see that. It was already difficult to remain unattached from Madison and Morgan…if he was still actually unattached now. He was pretty sure he'd failed in that area.

"Why are going giving me this?"

Grace shrugged. "Cho asked me to."

"All right. Why would you agree to this then?" She hesitated for a moment and Jane had his own answer. "You don't want Lisbon with Jeffrey either."

"I'm not saying I want her with you," Grace told him quickly. "But if you stay just for the girls then…then maybe she won't make this mistake."

Jane stared at the disc again. "I doubt this will make me change my mind."

"Fine," Grace replied, "I don't think you can do anything to make it worse anyways."

"Then why try?"

"Believe it or not, you are still my friend even if you've been nothing but a bastard for the past five years. I think you need your daughters, more than they need you," Grace explained. "If you can get your life together…then that can only be a good thing."

Grace didn't say anything else; Jane was actually stunned that they still wanted to help him despite everything that he had already done. He'd known these people were too good for him…now that gap was ever so wider.

He studied the disc in his hand, flipping it over and over. Jane didn't want to see it, it was hard enough actually knowing his daughters, seeing the things he'd missed might only make things worse. Was that even possible though? Was he in too deep? How can he even think about leaving those beautiful little girls behind?

Because he still thought it was the best thing for them.

So he wouldn't watch it. He couldn't.

Ten minutes later he'd filched a laptop and snuck up into the attic to do exactly what he said he wouldn't do.

The video started playing and Jane could tell immediately it was Grace who was on camera duty that day. The date was in the bottom corner and he studied it. Where had he been that day? Monte Carlo? Dominican Republic? He honestly couldn't remember because the cities had melded into a blur of gambling and drinks.

"It's three in the morning but we are here. Teresa's water broke in the middle of night so I guess the twins are ready to come out," Grace provided commentary on the video.

Lisbon was in the bed, very heavily pregnant and looking more than a little annoyed. "I said you could take video only if you promised not to be silly in it."

Grace just laughed. "You're brothers asked me to do this so you know you aren't getting out of it."

Her response was to let out a groan; she tried to sit herself up as what was almost certainly a contraction came over her. "Oh God this hurts."

"How bad?"

"Like the worst cramps of your life."

Jane watched as more of the video continued, just the two women with the occasional appearance of her doctor. He could glean some information though, she was giving birth three weeks early which wasn't unexpected for twins, had to be on bed rest for her last trimester and her high blood pressure was the only real concern at the moment. That and Lisbon was determined to have a natural delivery and not a c-section.

"You're brothers are on their way," Grace said, when the video came back on after she turned the camera off for the exam.

"Terrific, exactly what I told them not to do."

"They want to be here to see your babies."

"I know, but it is expensive to get last minute flights to California." Lisbon's protest was noble but there was no hiding the small smile on her face, she was happy her brothers were coming to see their nieces.

"Do they know what you are naming them?" Grace asked slyly.

Lisbon smirked and shook her head. "It's my secret." She didn't have time to gloat over that fact as she grimaced through another contraction. "God this just keeps getting worse."

"It's not too late for an epidural."

"I don't want a c-section!"

"Okay then," Grace said, holding up her hand defensively. "I heard you loud and clear."

Lisbon just glared at the woman and began to let loose a long string of curses that had Grace running over to turn off the camera again. He couldn't help but smile at that, of course Lisbon would swear like a sailor.

The video reappeared this time with Cho and Rigsby in the room too, both men looking a little tired since it was still in the early morning. "It's going to happen soon," Grace told them quickly.

"I hope so," Cho declared, "she's only getting worse."

There was a loud groan off camera and another curse before a muttered, "Get these things out of me."

The video skipped again, now Cho and Rigsby were gone and Grace declared that it was "time of for the main event." Grace got in position by Lisbon's head, the camera resting on something stable so Grace could focus on Lisbon. "Everything is going great," she told Lisbon, patting her hand sweetly, "In a few minutes your girls will be here."

"Yes," Lisbon said, sounding tired and a little frightened, "I know."

Her doctor cleared his throat. "Ms. Lisbon. There does appear to be a problem."

"What?"

"One of your girls is not in the right position for birth."

Lisbon's eyes turned wide with real fear, there was no doubt she was absolutely terrified but she had more strength than anyone he knew. "Okay," she said calmly, "what do we have to do?"

"I'll need to reach in an turn her."

"Can there be complications?"

"Yes but I'm very good at this and there shouldn't be any problems but it will hurt…_a lot_."

Lisbon didn't even flinch but kept her voice even. "Do whatever you have to do. I can take it." There was no arguing with her, she'd already survived so much, she had the strength to endure this.

It didn't mean she wasn't afraid.

Oddly enough so was Jane, even though he knew everything must have turned out fine, for some reason he was actually terrified.

"Just don't push," her doctor warned her, "And don't be afraid to scream."

There was no denying when the doctor started to turn the baby because as soon as he did Lisbon followed his advice and screamed. She tried to stay still while two nurses held down her legs but every time they tried to move the baby she would let out another blood curdling scream as the pain hit her like a brick. It took a long time before the doctor finally said, "Okay, okay you can push now."

Lisbon shook her head. "Oh God I can't."

"Teresa," Grace told her gently, "You can do this."

"No. No I can't, it's too much. I'm too tired… I can't do this alone." Jane knew that she wasn't talking about being in labor anymore.

"You are not alone," Grace said, looking into her eyes. "You are not alone."

She breathed in and out and nodded. "Okay. Okay, let's do this." Grace helped her sit up so she could finally start pushing her babies out of her. She didn't scream nearly as loudly as she did when they were turning her first child but she did let out another stream of curses until finally the doctor declared that the head was out. One big push later and they held up one beautiful screaming baby for her mother to see.

Lisbon took her daughter, her eyes tearful as rested her in her arms. "Oh God you are so perfect."

"Does she have a name?" Her doctor asked.

She nodded. "Madison," Lisbon couldn't stop touching her firstborn as if she couldn't quite believe that this was real.

"We still have one more baby to go." Her doctor reminded her, and Lisbon relinquished her child so she could focus on her youngest daughter.

The second baby came much easier than the first, not being quite as stubborn as her older sister. She wasn't screaming either, instead quietly whimpering and calming instantly as soon as she was in her mother's arms. "Morgan," Lisbon bequeathed her second child. "Morgan."

Finally both babies were nestled against their mother's chest and she could gaze at each of them adoringly. "They're so beautiful," she whispered, leaning down to kiss each of them on the head. "I didn't think they would be so beautiful." Tears slipped down her cheeks, happy, joyful tears of a mother's love.

They matched the tears that were falling from Jane's eyes as he watched the new mother bond with her two babies, as the video jumped to show the rest of the team and then Lisbon's brothers one by one meeting the new arrivals. Everyone got to hold those two breathtakingly beautiful children and experience those first precious moments of their lives.

Jane knew that she was back, he could sense it. He never had to turn his head to see that his Fantasy Lisbon was sitting next to him, watching the same video as him.

"You should have been there," she declared coolly.

He couldn't respond…because she was absolutely right.

* * *

Jane was surprised when Lisbon asked to see him in her office the next morning to talk. She'd been avoiding any opportunity to speak with him unless it was about finding a way to put Volker behind bars again. Her only request had been to leave her alone, then it had been to leave the girls alone. He'd done his best on the former but was having a very hard time with the latter, the twins kept on wanting to see him and so far he'd felt no desire to deny them.

He thought he'd want to leave, to run away from the girls like he did five years ago. By all rights he should, he shouldn't be there with them, talking to them, playing with them. At first he had felt it, that desire to flee and leave them alone if only to keep these innocent lives safe from his darkness. But somewhere along the way that bit of fear had vanished; now…now he was left with uncertainty. Seeing the video of their birth had ripped open so many wounds, now he wasn't sure what to do about this. Regret was something he'd gotten used to but this was something else…something he was too afraid to identify yet.

Lisbon was at her desk clacking away on her computer when he walked in. "You wanted to see me?"

She looked up and nodded; shuffling some files around on her desk but not before he caught a glimpse of a jeweler's brochures. So she was still looking at ring designs, he shouldn't be surprised or upset by that…but he still felt a knot twist in his stomach. She wasn't in love with Jeffrey though; he knew that for a fact. More than that there was no doubt that Jeffrey was cheating on her, the reasons for that were unclear, either way it hardly mattered. He was not someone who could make her happy.

But that didn't mean she wouldn't marry him.

"Yes, I wanted to talk to you," Lisbon replied, gesturing for him to sit in the chair in front of her desk. He raised an eyebrow; they never got this formal so it must be really important. "You know that Jeffrey and I are considering becoming a family."

"I'm aware of that," Jane replied tensely, he hated that she was still set on this obviously terrible path.

"He's a good man, a great father figure to my daughters, reliable and everything that they need," Lisbon listed Jeffrey's qualities like from a resume, almost making Jane smile…almost. Jeffrey might be a good father…but he wasn't a good man.

"As much as I love hearing about your boyfriend," Jane stated in a voice laced with sarcasm, "I am more curious as to why I'm here?"

She sighed. "Look, I want Jeffrey to adopt the girls."

"You've said that."

"But there is a complication."

Jane raised an eyebrow at that, "Oh really? Something wrong with Jeffrey?" He knew that wasn't the case, well he knew there wasn't anything that could be used to prevent Jeffrey from adopting them. Obviously something was wrong with Jeffrey if he was cheating on Lisbon…who on earth would do that?

Lisbon scowled at him. "Of course not, Jeffrey is fine." She toyed with a pen in her hands, rolling it with her thumbs and forefingers. "When the girls were born I put your name on their birth certificates."

Now Jane was shocked. "Really?" She nodded still not looking at him. He honestly couldn't believe it, she'd been adamant about separating him and the girls, but all along she'd had his name on their records. "Why?"

"I don't make it a habit of lying to the government," Lisbon hissed out which meant he knew that wasn't true.

"There has to be more to it then that, you could have easily left it blank."

She groaned. "I don't know why I put your name down I just did, probably it was all of the damn hormones."

That made him smile; he could imagine how crazy Lisbon had gotten with double the pregnancy hormones. If he'd been around, undoubtedly she would have shot him eventually. A flood of guilt rushed in him, if he'd been around he would have been there for the mood swings, to watch her grow big and round with his children, he would have been in that room to see his daughters being born instead of watching it on a dim computer screen. If he'd been there then there might not be a Jeffrey and there would be no reason to have this conversation.

But he hadn't.

"So you put my name down," Jane shrugged, "and you didn't lie, I'm not seeing the problem."

"The problem is that legally it means you have a possible claim to Madison and Morgan," Lisbon explained, "and there isn't a way Jeffrey can adopt them unless you sign away your rights." She reached into a drawer and pulled a form. "So you need to sign this, it means you are voluntarily giving up your rights so that they can be adopted." She clicked the bottom of the pen to release the nib and handed him the pen.

He accepted it numbly, staring at the form in front of him. It was full of legal jargon but it he saw that by signing it he would be relinquishing any rights to the twins he'd helped create. It was simple. He would acknowledge that he'd never married Lisbon, that he had never been officially acknowledged by a court that he was the father, that he was aware he was the alleged father and acknowledging paternity.

It would mean his daughters would no longer be his…that they would be free to belong to someone else.

But were they even his? Biologically, yes, he knew that he had made love to Lisbon and conceived those two beautiful girls. But he had never been a part of their lives. He knew that she'd been pregnant when he left but he'd also known that he was going to do so anyways, her pregnancy had played no part in his decision. Still…he'd left, essentially abandoning them, he'd left believing that he couldn't be a father to another child, or two.

He needed to do the right thing and let a better man take his place.

Jane hesitated and set the pen to paper, a dot of ink marking the page but he couldn't move to sign. He should do it. He should give up his girls to someone else.

But he didn't want to.

He set the pen down and met Lisbon's eyes. "No," he shook his head.

She looked up at him confused. "What?"

"No," Jane repeated and shoved the document back to her. "I'm not going to sign it."

"Why not?"

"I don't want to."

Lisbon let out a frustrated groan. "Come on, Jane. Don't do this, just sign the damn paper so it can all be over with."

"I'm not signing it," Jane stated, "I don't want them to be adopted."

"Why not?" she asked with a hiss. "What are you suddenly going to be their father now?"

He paused, caught off guard by that question. "I…I don't know."

She raised an eyebrow. "Let me get this straight. You don't want them but you don't want anyone else to have them."

"No, that's not…" Jane shook his head. "I don't want to lose them, I don't want to lose this chance."

"You already did."

"No, no I didn't," he corrected her, "they are still mine. I'm still their father and I…" he stopped and a small smile came over his face. "And I intend to be."

She was giving him a look that was a cross between shock and horror. But Jane didn't care; he gave her a firm gaze. "I walked away, maybe that was wrong, maybe not. But I'm here now…and I don't want to leave them again. I want to try, I want to be their father."

Lisbon shook her head. "This isn't something you _try_, Jane."

"Then I will do it."

She scoffed at him. "You? How on earth can you even call yourself their father? You haven't been there for them a day in their lives!"

"Good thing I'm going to start then."

"No, I won't allow it."

He grinned now at her. "You already did. You put my name down, you can't take that back and you can't take them away from me. Not without dragging all of this into a court, which is not something you want to put our daughters through. So thank you, Lisbon. You made this very easy for me."

For a long moment all she did was stare at him. Then she grabbed a paperweight and hurled at him.

Jane ducked as the object sailed over his head and hit the little kiddy table behind him. "Get out!" Lisbon shouted, "Get out now!"

He just smiled as he fingered the chess piece in his pocket, remembering the words she told him that day. "I know…it's frustrating to lose, especially when you can't admit that you wanted to."

Jane rushed out the door before another object could come close to hitting him but he was smiling the whole time.

For the first time in five years he felt like he was doing something right.

* * *

A/N: YAY! We can all give Jane a clap on the back for finally getting something right but it'll be interesting to see how he changes now that this decision has been made. Don't expect Fantasy Lisbon to leave yet, he might have decided to be a dad but he still hasn't gotten the real Lisbon to forgive him.

In the next chapter you'll get to see Lisbon react to Jane's decision to be the girl's father and the rest of the team finds out too with various reactions to it...but will this be enough to make Lisbon change her mind about Jeffrey? You'll have to see.


End file.
